Hi y'all. It's me Karen, Jacob's mom. I have never voiced myself on the blog....I am not much of a conclusive writer....I just go on and on....hence the multitude of periods (Jacob gets that from me:) Here are some thoughts that require no solution....be mindful of this in your comments. This kind of talk always bothers Jason, as it may many of you. He is such a good listener but he is also a fixer. I am not looking for a solution. I may think at times that I am (like 2am on blogger). I am just feeling and sharing. This is why Jacob had to post this and not Jason!:) I envy Jacob's voice here on blogger to say how "he feels" and I envy Jason's ability to write such amazing messages from God's word. I haven't spoken much about my feelings....I just am joyful....not always happy but joyful. In the moment. Loving my life God has given me. Taking care of my beautiful boys....I love it and wouldn't trade it. It can be hard....but I have true joy from the Lord. Secure in the fact that I am loved. Maybe, just maybe, someone who is searching for some comfort in confusion will stumble upon these jumbled words from the mind of a mother who is balancing....
I have found myself searching blogs of other families on two very opposite sides of the spectrum....those who have lost a child and those who have a child who is thriving beyond what anyone could hope for.
I balance: the preparations for loss vs. the hope for a miracle.
I hold Jacob all the time. There are times when it feels like there is nothing that could possibly take this beautiful baby that God has entrusted me with. No Way! We danced tonight....just me and him. There is no way I will not have that dance again with him at my sister's wedding in August....there is no way I will not have that mother & son dance with him at his wedding.....He will grow old....God will grant this wish. He will. He can. He does miracles and the fact that I have had Jacob for 109 days is a miracle....so why stop there? Heal him.
Then there are the tears I shed writing these words. That symbolizes the realization that we must prepare for his passing. Many of you say, "No, enjoy him." But doesn't that thought of him passing just make me enjoy him even more? It is the fact that he will pass that makes us treasure the time we have......he is loved maybe more so....to get that lifetime of love in his short time. I sleep with him on my chest hoping he will snap out of his apneic spells, hoping that his heart will keep working, hoping that his meds keep him from further problems resulting in death.......yet knowing that he will die....I do not know how or when but I know he will. There are days when Jacob seems weaker...I just whisper in his ear, "Not today, baby, please, not today."..... as if there is a better day for it
So, at times, I struggle on this balance beam.
Please...do not get me wrong....I trust. With every bone in my body, I TRUST!
I do all I can for my children.....I try to make the best decisions for them. Oh, how I wish for the thunderstorm to come and my children to run into my bed and need me to comfort them. My Perfect Parent, Our Heavenly Father, does a much better job of parenting me. I trust Him fully. He is perfect. He gives and takes away. Why? So we love Him more. So we worship Him more. So we draw closer to Him. So He can hold us. So He can hold me close to Him during the thunderstorms.
I know Jacob is going to pass. I hope he won't so young but WE ALL will pass. God looks at us like I look at Jacob. He knows we are going to die. Just gazing at us lovingly wanting to make the most of us while here on earth. He has blessed me with this beautiful perfect picture. So it is not a matter of "why me." It is "thank you Heavenly Father, for opening my eyes to see what you see in me. Thank you for choosing me."
So I trust. Circumstances will not change that.
But that balance of hope and preparation...I just don't get it.
As I sit here writing, with my beautiful baby boy in my lap, all I can rest in is God's love letter, His Holy Word, to me, His baby girl, who rests with His arms wrapped around me and guiding me through this precious life.
His Love Letter says in Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen you heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!"
How I have clung to this verse. Since October 3rd, 2007 when we found out Jacob had a heart condition to January 17th, 2008 when the genetic test confirmed Trisomy 18 to today, May 1st......I have waited on the Lord and, oh, how He has strengthened me.....He is not finished and I hope to find balance while waiting on Him......
So how can you prepare? I've been told by those who have experienced loss that I cannot prepare. But yet I want to. I struggle to. I must wait, be of good courage and be strengthened. In that, I am sturdy and cannot falter.
Love to all,
1 week ago