Saturday, February 21, 2009

Been A While & Lots Is Happening

Well hello there....if there is anyone still out there!!! I know it has been a while since we have updated. Lots going on in my head, but not a whole lot coming out of it!

Jacob's birthday was a lot for me.....very strange day where I felt very lost in how to celebrate the birthday of someone no longer with us. But as Jason asked for the Lord's blessing on our meal and day, I was reminded that it was a celebration of the day the Lord grabbed hold of hearts and used such a precious instrument to further His purpose. January 14th 2008 the Lord graced me with the most precious gift he has given me since His salvation.....He allowed me to hold a piece of heaven for 138 consecutive days and that very first day, the very first moment of Jacob's life outside the womb that began a journey that changed me and so many others forever...that instrument of God was born in January last year and was celebrated this year. And everyday since then has been impacted by the sweetest baby boy this world could know. All to the glory of God.

These days have been harder. February 14th of last year, I snuggled my baby boy in celebration for him beating the odds on his one month birthday. He will always be my Valentine forever stealing my heart. I will forever remember holding him, breathing him in, rubbing noses with him, and him showing his love for his mama as we wore red and celebrated with exchanging Valentines and singing Happy Birthday. I guess I have a difficult time explaining why these yearly holidays that were celebrated with Jacob last year cause me to have a knot in my stomach this year. I am not sure if it the disbelief that an entire year has gone by or the sadness of not celebrating with all three of my sweet's still tough to sort and articulate it all. All I know is that I miss my youngest boy. I miss him more than I ever have. I have cried for him harder than I have since the night of his passing. His squeaks. His smell. His breath. His soft hair. His presence gave me such a grip on the things that matter in life.....he made doing God's work so easy (for lack of better term). And all these things I have in me forever but for them not to be hurts. For me not to be able to gaze into those strong blue eyes and actually see the value of time.....the world creeps in and I get lost in the day to day. I haven't forgotten, but what I am saying is it was much easier to remember what matters most when Jacob was here in my home, in my arms. I treasure my days with Joshua and Jonathan more than I ever have and I am thankful for their blue eyes I get to gaze into to remind me of the things that really matter and how to value time as their mama. They are such gifts.....and I know they are on loan just like Jacob was and that makes me act on things now and not wait until later....we just never know if later will come.

Joshua and Jonathan are such proud big brothers.....they talk of Jacob all the time reminiscing on the times we had with him here and how he is forever in our hearts. They and Jacob are big brothers to Baby Fahmer #4 who has taken up residence in my womb for the last 14 + weeks. They are very much as their reality allows them to be. They have hope to be able to "keep this one" but yet they know that not every baby was not meant to grow old here. They preface their conversation about the baby with "if we get to keep this one" or "if this one lives" but then they proceed to share their hopes of summer time fun and days filled with loving on yet another sibling. They hope, yet understand we are not promised to hold another life. They are such big boys who have learned such huge lessons.....they have learned so much about life and know so much for a 6 and 4 year old. Their spirits are stunning and the refining continues, I know, but it is just amazing to me their grasp on it all. Children are a blessing.

So how am I with this all.....this will be a continuing topic....for the next 25 weeks! Pregnancy life is very different this time around....the realities of loss linger and the excitement mingles but it is all low key.....not like our previous pregnancies at all..... there are things that would have been discussed way before now that we "just aren't there yet" with this new one. Emotions are tough....grieving a loss mixed in with carrying new life is very hard to say the least. I have made it very clear that this is not the 3rd child redone.....this is our 4th....a separate creation, a separate soul, a separate journey, a separate story all wound into the Fahmer Family. This little one's story began 14+ weeks ago and every moment I get to mother them, outside or inside the womb is a moment that was gifted to me by God. Understanding that this baby is not Jacob redone is very clear but the lessons from his life and realities of never being promised another moment are just lessons you do not take for granted. It's not fear; it's our reality. There is no replacement for Jacob. I have held other tiny 4 pound babies and gazed upon another Trisomy 18 child and felt nothing similar to holding my Jacob Ryan....I have tried to simulate him in my desperate cannot be done....his body is laid to rest and his spirit lives forever with Jesus. Many of you may say that that is all without saying but I have spoken to mothers who's babies after a loss are their redeeming children....this baby does not carry any more weight on them because of their big brother.

Their big brother Jacob gave them more love already than any child could ask for.....Jacob was used to change us to love more and this baby will hopefully be welcomed into a home embellished with love. Joshua and Jonathan have loved this little one so much since the day they found out about them and I know they love more than before because of all they have learned.

So this conversation will continue for some time.....but for now, I must get off to bed. Thank you for loving us. God Bless.