If there’s any words that sum up today for our family it would be: “this sucks.” It was probably said by myself or Karen one hundred times if it was said once. There’s no other words to aptly describe the feelings involved of waking up the first morning without your child. The day started with a flood of tears and ended the same. With numerous explosions in between. The grief comes in waves. Sometimes they lap at your feet … other times they knock you down and suck you in. I can’t believe I miss him this much already. Everything reminds me of him and everything seems so empty and lonely without his little squeaks and cries. This sucks.
Joshua was up at 6:30 this morning… which was ok because we were experiencing our first tidal wave just shortly before… and he came into our room and could tell that we were upset. He tried his hardest to make us smile and laugh and was acting completely goofy just to make Mommy and Daddy happy. We must have played one hundred hands of cards today with Joshua! After a long exhausting day when it was time for bed both boys broke down and cried out that they wanted their baby “Jakey” back. It was a sweet time of comforting and crying with them in their beds but still…. This sucks.
On a list of “Top 10 Worst Things To Do In Life… Ever”… #1 would hands down no questions asked be “Go with your spouse to a funeral home to plan your child’s funeral.” Oh wait… no… we can one up you on that one. Today was Karen’s 27th birthday. “Go with your spouse (ON HER BIRTHDAY!) to a funeral home to plan your child’s funeral.” Yeah… this sucks. Don’t worry I did sing to her. (“Sucky birthday to you, sucky birthday to you, sucky birthday, sucky birthday… never have a worst birthday for you!”) This rendition caused us both to laugh so that was good. Somehow we did manage to pull off a real rendition of the song but it was pretty lame given the circumstances. Thanks to Sue for bringing the ice cream cake… Jacob would have been happy to see us enjoying that.
And yet, in the midst of total suck-age, when we turn our eyes upward to Christ we are able to see some of the beauty of His plan. Even “amongst the wreckage” which was our day there were glimmers of joy and hope and love and grace. What sweet times with our boys where we allowed them to see our brokenness and let them expose their own so we can heal together. A friend from church stopped over this morning to bring us breakfast and hugs. Her and her husband came by later to check up on us and were happily recruited in to helping us arrange the celebration service at the church. All of the family and friends (AND BLOGGERS) who have expressed their love and willingness to help and pray. Thank you. A cooler of food from Gramma’s Merry Maid partner! All those who just came and sat with us or just listened on the phone today. The many churches around the world who some how took part in our journey for the past 4 months and who celebrated/mourned with us this morning. Beauty and pain. Beauty in pain. Beauty from pain.
A couple of weeks ago we had Jen from First Light Photography come back to take some more pictures of Jacob and the family. She’s the photographer that took all the fanclub shots. She let us know that she was busy and that the pictures may take a while to get to us. Well, wouldn’t you know in God’s sovereign plan, when do you think those pictures were finished? Yeah, last night. I woke up to an email this morning that had a link to the proofs online. I wasn’t sure what to do. I think I honestly sat there and just stared at the screen for like five minutes. Should I show Karen? Is now the right time? Well I’m kinda dumb so I gathered up the boys and sat on the couch with Karen and we clicked on the link. Hope you have your lifejacket …. Here come’s the wave! The pictures were absolutely beautiful even through the tears. There really couldn’t have been a more appropriate time to receive them. Thank you Jen.
On our way home tonight I prayed and told God that today was by far the worst day of my entire life and that despite that fact I was going to fight through the temptation to avoid Him. Aren’t we stupid? Why do we always try to ignore Him when we need Him most? I told Him that if He was here in bodily form right now that I would probably be beating on His chest with tears streaming down my face asking “why?” and end up slumped in His embrace. And I know He wouldn’t retaliate or defend Himself but rather would simply hold me and tell me He loves me. When I have nothing to offer, nothing to hold on to, nothing to make me stand alone and I simply fall into You and rest on You = Grace. Though I stand gazing at the valley of the shadow of death… I will not fear. For even on the worst day of my life… You are with me. You comfort me. You care for me.
“LORD, how they have increased who trouble me! Many are they who rise up against me. Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.
I cried to the LORD with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Arise, O LORD; Save me, O my God! For You have struck all my enemies on the cheekbone; You have broken the teeth of the ungodly.
Salvation belongs to the LORD."