Tuesday, June 10, 2008

10 days have passed...

Hi everyone...it's Karen.....I was surprised to see we still have 1200+ visitors a day!...you haven't left us!....thanks.

It is kind of weird having you all not know what goes on every day in our home....I miss trying to think from a 4-month-old's perspective.....Jacob sure was funny.....me, not so much.

Last week was preparing for the service Thursday....getting things printed, organized and together.....it was beautiful but lots of work (THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!). Friday, Jason and the boys hung out with Jason's family and I went out with some friends who drove in from Delaware and then hung out with my family. Saturday, I went to my cousin's baby shower and then my sister Juli (from FL) came back to my house to visit for a bit before having to leave town. Sunday, we made an attempt for church. We drove there, had some issues with Jonathan and finally got him into his class. Joshua went into his class and the first thing out of one of the other kid's mouth was "I heard your baby brother died." The teachers were chatting and didn't field it for him....it seemed so loud to me and just rang through my ears....I hurt for Joshua but he just trudged through and ignored it. Then as we were on our way to our class, we were stopped at least seven times.....nothing bad, just questions like "How are you doing?" and statements attempting to be encouraging.......our church has been amazing and I do not make these statements to make it sound as though they are at fault.....it was just the first place we have all been as a family while dealing with this all....it could have been any other crowd. It is us, the sensitive and hurting, that magnify everything. I've always said "I don't know what I would say to a mother who just lost her child" so I understand that people don't know what to say and want to support us in some way. But, I was tired. We never did make it to class. I broke in the hall and pleaded with Jason to take me home. He asked if I was sure and I was and he went and got the kids, I canceled our plans for the day an we headed home. I needed to be home with my family....something I hadn't done in a while without craziness. For the next few days, we just hung out as a family, swam in the pool and enjoyed being a family.

So, it's been 10 days since Jacob passed. We've had our ups and downs just as life normally goes but it seems as if there is this super sensitive button....my Jacob button. This button is always triggered....sometimes it is as if someone just bumped it a little bit and then other times it is as if someone smashed their fist on it.....regardless, it is always triggered, tugging on my heart. I have realized that many people's advice to us is that "it gets easier". I am not really sure what this means. My son is gone....there is nothing easy about it. This is hard and there is nothing that is easy about it.....and although time passes, my arms are empty and that is not easy. Monday birthday parties are no more....that is not easy. My nights are no longer on the couch with a snoring 6 pound baby boy.... that is not easy. I sleep at night only to be awakened by my own dreaming of holding my baby boy.....that is not easy. My nursery closet is no longer full of needed feeding tubes, syringes and formula....that is not easy. I have dirty laundry in a basket that after being washed, will never be dirty again....that is not easy. What will get easier? I am a mother of three beautiful children with only two to hold......I do not wish those two away, oh, but how I long to hold all three.....that is not easy. Jacob Ryan was God's tool and has changed me forever.....I don't want it to get easier. I want to learn what God has for me in this season.....so I don't have to repeat any classes. I am changed. As a mother, I hug longer. I stare longer. I spend more time listening. Jacob has given his brothers a better mother.

The struggle for me right now....not to be run by fear. I went to the grocery store today by myself. I haven't been much of anywhere by myself since I drove away from my house 10 days ago leaving behind my 4 boys....I didn't realize the fear that I had inside me. It sucks. That is not me. I am not a fearful person. It is crazy what Satan will play on. He saw me drive away 10 days ago and he saw how I came home to only 3 of my 4 boys.....he seized the moment, contemplated his attack for 10 days and hit me hard as I drove to the store today. He hates the fact that there are people who are brought closer to Christ because of God's Hand in our family. Satan is looking to tear me down though and I am so thankful for the "God View" that God has given me to spot Satan's ploys. Satan wants me to become a hermit unable to reach others and live a beautiful testimony of God's Unfailing Love.....he wants me to fail in the truth that my strength comes from Above. Man, he is good at what he does. But My God, the One who has given me the strength to praise His name through the worst storm, Who now holds my baby boy in His arms, is better at what He does and He will prevail.

I was invited to join 6 other blogger moms who have lost their babies. They are going to the Deeper Still ladies conference in Georgia. As soon as I was invited I was excited about the opportunity not only to be fed the Word by these amazing speakers but also to be hugged by these other mom's who know way too well what I am going through....it just would be so healing. I looked up the tickets.....Sold Out. Did Satan win this battle?...God is in control and those ladies are going to have such a blessed time and God will be glorified.....so no Satan is a big loser even though I will not be there.

Wow...and I thought I talked in circles before things went all crazy on me....So, I am not sure where I am going with any of this.....that is why I always hesitate to write....I am just brain barfing....(you like that mind picture, don't cha)

Do I wish I could go to Atlanta?....YES! Do I understand God's timing?....not all the time but I will obey...there are times as parents we say "no" and our children do not understand why....that's just how it is. Do I feel major spiritual warfare?....YES!....it's scary.....I have to be solid at such an easy time for weakness. Am I up for the challenge?....YES....if it will bring me, my family and friends closer to God and help lead others into a relationship with Jesus Christ, then I am up for it.....

....strap on my armor and charge ahead without a thought of what is left behind.


(someone get the Clorox to clean up this mess!)

25 comments:

Cathy said...

Beautiful words and I didn't feel you talking in circles. Your goal is Jesus Christ and glorifying him through Jacob! That has always been what you were doing. We miss that precious humor but know we are hear to hear your emotions, feeling and your wisdom.
Cathy & Annabel

Jessica said...

I am one of those that continue to read your blog. You just keep "brain barfing" if you need to. The tickets may be sold out in Atlanta, but Satan will be sad to hear that this blog is a form of therapy. I know sometimes just "brain barfing" (I like that terminology) helps you sort things out in your head. Satan will also be sorry to hear that your blogger friends will be here reading, listening, and lifting you up in prayer! Hang in there!

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

thinking of you tonight.

sumi said...

Keep on 'brain barfing'! (I am going to steal that term, lol) I loved this entry, it is so honest and real. I am still praying for you...

I don't know about that 'getting easier' part either. Not quite there yet.

David, Ashley and Noah said...

All I have tonight for you is **hugs**. I also wanted to tell you that the last batch of professional pictures of you and Jacob were amazing. You looked beyond beautiful! He will forever be in my heart!

Sandy M. said...

I sure have enjoyed Jacob's blog. You are a precious family and I can't imagine your loss. Just know you are thought of and prayed for. Thanks for sharing your story.

Plano, TX

Jaci said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile now, but this is the first time I have commented. I am so sorry for you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you continue to blog and your family is in our prayers.

Kerri said...

Karen, I'm praying for you!
Mark and Kerri

Nichole said...

Stay strong Fahmer's! And please know that your precious Baby Jacob has brought people like myself closer to GOD. He has made me smile more, made me love more, made me laugh more, and made me let go of anger. He has made me see the true beauty of life. He has started me on the path of having a relationship with Jesus. Thank you!

San Jose, CA

Emily said...

Hey girl. If you still want to go, we WILL get you a ticket. Say the word, schedule a flight, and we'll see you there. You can stay in our hotel room and I'll get you the ticket myself. No ifs, ands or buts. :)

But if you NEED to be at home to heal, don't let Satan's lies deprive you of that either.

I'm praying for you, sister.

justdawn said...

WOW...I have read all of your archives and kept up with all of "Jacob's Blogs".

I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is such an inspiration to me. You have set a perfect example of what it means to walk in the Grace of God...and for that, I thank you.

I will continue praying for you and your family...that you will once again find peace.

boltefamily said...

Hi Karen!

Sometimes no is not always a final no. Just a thought...today LifeWay still had a few tickets for the event. I would call if I were you and see. I could call for you in the am if you like. You are WELCOME to bunk with Chrissy and I!

We would so love to have you!

Love and Prayers,
Kristy

Anonymous said...

Dear Karen - I'm not sure how I found your family, but I've prayed for you from the beginning. Jacob carved a huge place in my heart, and I'm forever grateful.

I am now praying that you are able to work through your grief and find your "place" again among your family, friends and co-workers. I am praying that others "just let you be where you need to be". If you need to not attend something or slip away from something you thought you could handle, that's ok. There is no timeline for grief, nor is there a timeline for love and support of those who've lost.

With love - Lynne B.

Mrs Redboots said...

They say there is no worse pain than that of losing a child. You are devastated but not, of course, destroyed. And our dear Lord, who wept over the death of his friend, weeps with you, and is there with you.

Grief appears to be like childbirth - there is no way out other than through. I am sure you know that those of us who prayed for Jacob while he was here would gladly take some of it from you if we could. We can't - but we can, and I do, continue to pray for you and your family. May God bless you and uphold you and comfort you.

Jenny said...

You are NOT talking in circles. You're speaking from your heart and it's such a blessing you're willing to share it with us. I'm not going to stop visiting y'all on here nor will I stop praying. You know how you said that Jacob has made you a better mommy for his brothers? Jacob has made me a better mommy to my 2 boys too-I can't even begin to tell you how many times a day I think of him. His precious life is such an enormous gift to all of us. HUGS and prayers...Jenny

Laurie said...

Karen,

Your beautiful heart words are anything but circles, they are pure, solid as the Rock you stand on. If this is "brain barfing" then I say Barf On. This is a ministry that God is using through you. And I want to say that yes, while Satan is good at what he does, it is ONLY because he is a cheap imitator, trying his best to look like the "REAL DEAL". The same God who created us, created him. He knows his days are numbered and he has lost the battle. Being labeled a "LOSER" in the Bible fuels him to press us harder and try to steal our joy because he can't steal our hearts from God.
I hope that you continue to write here and share your ministry that God has given you through Jacob. I love and miss Jacob and he will always be in my heart. There is no "easy way" here for you. God will use every piece of your broken heart for His Glory. He already is!!

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Scott Canion said...

Dear Friends,

We have never met, but we have the same Father! He is good, all the time. We found your blog through the Fadales, friends of ours that told us about you and Jacob. What a beautiful boy and a wonderful testimony. May the Lord give you rest, peace, and comfort during your time of grief. We will never know exactly how you feel, but we can understand what you are experiencing. We lost our first baby, Olivia Mae, to trisomy 13, three years ago. She was like a flower, with us for such a brief time, but filling our hearts and lives with a beauty all her own. Our lives will never be the same. We are so thankful for the time we had with her. We can grieve with joy because of the hope we have in Christ.

Your sister, and brothers (in the Lord) in Staten Island are praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and the world. You are creating a wonderful legacy of your family's faith and reliance in our Savior.

Christine, Scott, and Zachary Canion

Anonymous said...

Hi Guys,
Karen, maybe you have been to this site already but it looked like a good one. It is healingheart.net.
There are places for parents, grandparents, and siblings. I have been hoping some form of comfort would be sent through me to you all, and maybe this is it. I love you and we look forward to spending time with you soon.
love, A. Linda

MamaBear said...

Karen, If you don't find tickets anywhere else, there are two listed on ebay for the Atlanta Deeper Still conference ... auction ends in 5 days. Our God is very big and surely get you into that conference if that's where you need to be.

Continuing to pray for you and your family ...

Anonymous said...

You were not talking in circles. You are lovely.
Here are some words that come to mind when I thought about your day.
"Fear not, for I am with you
Fear not, for I am with you
Fear not, for I am with you, says the Lord

I have redeemed you
I have called you by name
Child, you are mine
When you walk through the waters,
I will be there,
And through the flame
You'll not, no way, be drowned
You'll not, no way, be burned,
For I am with you."

Thinking and praying for you all. Love you,
The Booth family

Anonymous said...

Karen:

Although I've never met you, I feel like I know you. Your strength and belief are unbelieveable. May you get many signs from heaven telling you Jacob is fine and whole. I hope you find some comfort in your trip. To relate to other angel mommies, so many things you will not need to say, they will just know. Hoping you find peace. And know Jacob will always be with you know matter where you go.
L

Amy Vasquez said...

I have no words that will comfort you, but I will be praying for you. I'll miss reading Jacob's blogs everyday, but will continue to read as long as you guys post. I look forward to meeting Jacob in heaven one day.

In Christ,

Amy Vasquez
Chesterfield, SC

Jessica Hickok said...

Karen, I have been reading the blog for some time now and it breaks my heart to not know what to say to you to help you feel better. So I leave my comment here to say thank you for sharing your heart, for sharing your story and for sharing your grief. It allows me to know how to better pray for you and your boys.

You are an amazing mother and all of you are in our thoughts, heart and prayers. We (Myself, Ty, Jake & Collin) love you!

The Hickok Family
Springfield, MO

Anonymous said...

I don't believe it gets "easier" as time goes by. (My best friend/mother died 6 yrs ago) It just "IS"...it's ALWAYS there in daily reminders of our loved ones..in holidays and special rememberances. We learn to deal with it differently. It still hurts. You still miss them. That will never go away. Times just seems to keep going on and we are left behind here to learn to deal with the emptiness in our lives. Some days will be better than others..some years will be better than others..but it just "IS"..God bless all of you with your loss. God will help you cope with "what IS"...God Bless...

Barry Jamie said...

Hi Jason and Karen,

My wife has been following your weblog of Jacob's life and has been trying to communicate to me the effect that it has had on her and her view of the Lord and her life as a mommy. I haven't really been able to identify too much with what she has been saying nor with the passion and emotion that she has shared your story to me with because I haven't been reading it.

So here I am, at 3am Sunday morning, trying to finish off a sermon that I'll be preaching tonight at a sister church (here in South Africa). I decide to go online to look up something for the text and find myself looking up on my wife's weblog (http://thejamiefamily.blogspot.com) and then clicking through to your site and reading...

This particular post I found to be so full of life (as we know it now). What I appreciated most about it (even in the jumbled "mess") is that The Resurrection of Jesus Christ makes all the difference to your family's grief and I am SO encouraged by this (my sermon title is: "The Resurrection of Jesus Christ - what difference does it make?).

I thank God for using you and especially little Jacob in my wife's life and in turn, in mine and my boys' lives!

Keep blogging and keep glorifying the One who "died for our trespasses and was raised again for our justification" (Rom. 4:25).

In hope of eternal glory,

Barry Jamie (husband of Michelle Jamie)
Johannesburg, South Africa