Monday, June 23, 2008

Stuff....no solutions required....just talkin' (from Karen...as if you couldn't tell already!)

Craziness. That describes my last week. Things have been so crazy. My nieces are in town with Jason's family and my boys just love them. So we have been spending as much time as we can with them in the morning before the big nap time crashings. My evenings at the beginning of the week were spent alone....kind of wondering what to do. Then they got busy again....so much so that I have not returned phone calls or said "thank you" to friends for gifts sent in the mail or been able catch up with my sisters. It's not the evenings that are a problem... Late into the night it is tough. I didn't sleep very consistently since January 14th.... and although right after Jacob's passing, I slept through the night from shear exhaustion, now I have a hard time going to bed. It's not that I am not sleepy....I am a sleepy person. But it's just that my routine is so drastically changed that I can't figure out a new routine. There is no longer this little person by my side keeping me so much company. I am a night person. Although sleepy, I can stay up ALL NIGHT talking. Jason CANNOT stand this about me....on the nights we go to bed together (not often because of work stuff), we lay down and cover up, he turns off the light, we kiss each other, say good night and then it happens....everything just starts pouring out of my mouth like a spontaneous volcano eruption (slight exaggeration). It has always been like this....neither of us can get used to the others desires....I want a "girl-talk" time where he pops up out of bed, turns on the light, sits up cross legged and stares at me clinging to my every word ready to join in the conversation and he just wants to go to sleep after the end of a long day and wants me to talk to him at a reasonable hour like the rest of the world. Now, Jacob took a lot out of me but he was my late night "girl-talk" buddy...it was like sleepovers every night! He kept me busy and he told me about his life, I told him about mine.. stories of when I was younger and how I met his Daddy, stories about his brothers....girl-talk. Four and a half months of sleepovers and now, party is over. What do I do now? I DON'T KNOW?!!? I wonder. I have to find something else. The past few nights, I went through Jacob's things and organized his box of things and put things in baggies and folded his laundry and condensed cards and went through unneeded papers.....not quite as great as holding a 5+ pound baby boy on your chest, patting his butt, rubbing his soft hair with your cheek, playing with his beautiful long fingers and telling him stories and listening to his every concern. Solution to the problem?....Nothing. It just is. It's an adjustment. Most things have been going well and I have been doing ok with them....this is tough and there really is no solution...and that is ok because it makes me rely on God as my Comfort. There is no replacement. Jason, my partner united with me through God, is not a replacement and it is not fair to expect him to be one. Here is this ridiculously lonely time in my day that is in need of being filled and who better to fill it than the Creator of Time?!?!?

Next random topic...

Today I went to a wedding shower for some friends of mine from high school. I did not know very many people there but I did end up meeting up with a few girls I knew from high school and met new people. As I was in conversation with one of the new girls, she asked me what I do for a living. I told her I was a mother of 3 boys and began stumbling over my words to try and explain that I have 3 boys- 2 here, one passed- and then it hit me that I had no idea where I wanted to go with the conversation.....she didn't need a detailed overview of the past 6 months of my life but then again, I couldn't just glaze over it either.....so I just blurted out that this was my first time having to try and give an overview of my life since all that has happened. Yet another situation you just cannot prepare for. The one girl I knew from high school knew about my circumstances and very kindly told me that I was doing great...that calmed my feeling of sounding ridiculous... ..she was always a sweet girl.

NEXT!

Forgiveness. Satan sucks. He will do whatever he can to get his filthy mitts on us. Right after we found out about Jacob's terminal condition, both Jason and I recalled a conversation we had with some friends....they were recalling a family who stated that after the loss of their child, they had to forgive people in advance for saying the things they were going to say....there just are people who say things and have no clue how ridiculous it sounds to someone who has just lost a loved one. So Jason and I agreed that we would do the same....we would forgive in advance for the statements that were to come. So where is Satan attacking? Right in this category! But it is very wide spread. On one end, I have statements that were said that I rebuttal in my head and on the other end I have people I haven't heard from and feel as though I should have.....polar opposites and emotionally driven (very unstable). I am not an easily offended person...normally, I am not sensitive to such statements (I usually am the one having to bite my tongue or sticking my foot in my mouth!)....so why is this all of a sudden a sore spot???? Because I made a commitment to be Christ-like and forgive before the offenses were committed.....Satan observed and is now poking at me and trying to get me to take Jacob's beautiful, God-glorifying life and turn it into something that harbors bitterness. I see Satan.....and I will fight with the Holy Spirit that resides in me! He will not destroy my spirit or my testimony and ruin the beauty of Jacob Ryan Fahmer's meaningful life. Please pray specifically in this area for me.

Disclaimer: If you know me and/or are around me and see me frequently, PLEASE do not take my blogging statements and feel you have to walk on egg shells around me or apologize for anything! The very last thing I need is a bunch of people faking in my presence or needing to be comforted because they feel bad.....I am sharing my struggles.....do not feel you can protect me from them by watching what you say or do in my presence. I have to learn. Please allow me to learn and persevere over my struggles....just love me the best you can and do not fear my reactions. Ok? Thanks!

P.S.~ I still smell like maple syrup!....it's been 3 weeks!

21 comments:

Susie said...

Karen! Yes. Yes to everything you said. Nope, there's not a fix to being up late and having no little boy to hold onto! I have just now (in the last week or two) started going to bed earlier than midnight. I just couldn't go to bed, even though I could have slept. In the first few weeks after we lost Joshua I had hours and hours of "free time" and I didn't know what to do with it. We moved 2 weeks later by coincidence, so that gave me a bit to do, but it really just served to stress me to the max. I hope you're able to find an -okay location- to wait out the pain. I mean, of course it's not going to be easy, or feel better, or fill a void - but it's not about that... it's about the waiting-it-out isn't it?

I wanted you to know you're on my heart, much love... - Susie.

PS. Knitting kept my hands busy. That and biting my nails. Not healthy, not fixes, but... I've stayed out of 'crazy' territory - I think.

boltefamily said...

WOW Karen!

I just love this post. I can identify with so much of what you write and it is always so good to know I am not alone in these struggles.

You are so right when you say "no solutions required" so many people that love us want to fix everything and unfortunately that is just not possible.

I love the part about forgiving in advance. I need to apply that to my life. Thank you so much for sharing the tough stuff!

I can't wait to meet you!

Love and Prayers,
Kristy

Anonymous said...

Karen, I have so much appreciated your honesty and more importantly your strong testimony to the glory of God through Jacob's life and all of this. I DO know it is from Him, but your willingness to be used by Him is very evident.
I help to facilitate a Biblically-based grief support group (held in over 6,000 churches) called GriefShare. www.griefshare.org When you are able, I'd love to see you write about the things that people have said and DO that are so helpful to you during this grieving journey. We all have SO much to learn. Thank you for being one of our teachers. I've prayed for you often.
In His Love, Carolyn

Laurie said...

Hey Karen,

Good post here, as always. I have a feeling that when you get together with the girls in Atlanta, it is going to be one huge sleep over and up all night.:) And talking and sharing memories of these sweet babies, I don't think there will be a dull moment nor a dry eye. Sweet restoration will take place for all of you. This is my prayer for you and for you to continue to see Satan for what he is, a CHEAT and a LIAR. Forgiveness in advance usually means offenses are on the way. No walking on eggshells here, you are doing good in keeping your word to the Lord. I think about Jacob all of the time and I love him and you too!!! Keep putting it out here, it is so refreshing.

Laurie in Ca.

The VW's said...

We'll be praying!!!

Cathy said...

To my friend, a very precious mother of 3 handsome boys. I do still wish you were having your girl-talk time with Jacob in the late night. When I think of you and Jacob, I imagine the times when you were nose to nose. I thought that was the most precious, loving picture. Praying for you Karen, and I wanted to say thank you for the kind words you left on Annabel's site. Cathy & Annabel

Dolly said...

Hey...it's just me still checking up on you, supporting you the best I can! I pray for you every night Karen...that you would see what God wants you do to with the gift of Jacob's life in your future, that He would give you the comfort you need and fill the emptiness you feel. It makes me think...He makes ALL THINGS beautiful, in His time.

Maybe that tatoo should go on your forehead...who could miss it?! :)

Sonja said...

Karen, your doing great! I so wish I could get in touch with you and talk with you. You seem so strong in your faith. God knows I need that right now. My 17 year old son is leaving. Not finishing school with his friends. He has decided to move to his fathers many states away. I know its not the same as you losing Jacob but my evenings also are empty. Maybe one day we could chat.
I keep you all in my prayers and thank you for continueing to share your feelings and thoughts.
God Bless
Sonja

Anonymous said...

You are always on my heart. The boys and I are praying for you and your lovely family....
Love,
Randi Booth

TheCarlsonCrew said...

Found your blog through another blog...after a long and difficult pregnancy, we are 6 days away from delivering our son who is not expected to survive for more than a few minutes. Your words truly strike a chord with us and the pictures of your family are incredible. Thanks for sharing...

Brandon and Lindsey Carlson

sumi said...

I still go to bed at around 2 am! And I am supposed to be a morning person. Used to be, anyways. I found my sleep very disturbed the first month or two after Jenna left us. It is better now, but I still have a crazy bed time!

I think spending that time talking to Jesus is a great idea. Or talking to Jesus and/or Jacob in journal form.

As for forgiveness, yes, I had my share of crazy comments. People really have no clue though so I don't hold it against them. The hardest thing to handle was the good friend who made NO contact at all after I called her with the news. I didn't quite know how to interpret her silence and re-establish contact.

Anyhow, I love it when you are just talkin'. :-)

Hugs to you and prayers for today,
Sumi

Shari said...

I am glad you can come here and let it out. I agree with all you have said. I remember that exact feeling of "what do I do now" when our son passed. Hang in there. I am praying for you!

Corie said...

Karen, so much to pray for and I WILL. It is all part of the journey and it is so hard at times. I am not sure what the "people" issue is so common during grief times. People want to say just the right thing and sometimes it is just not. I battle the same thing still...5 months later and am also determined by Gods grace to battle being offended. So many emotions all at once, while still trying to move forward in a "new" normal with your family. It is hard, but MANY are faithfully praying for you throughout the day. Hope you have some time to "think" this weekend with the girls and have some girl talks.

Anonymous said...

"Life is hard, but God is good" - I think this is from a song, but I'm not sure which one. It just seemed to capture what you may be feeling about losing Jacob.

I continue to pray for all of you. Losing those you love is so very difficult. Karen, I agree with your comment that sometimes you just need to talk things out - without suggestion or direction. You just need an ear to listen and a heart to embrace you where you are. If I can help at all, please don't hesitate to contact me.

With love, Lynne B. L.Beard@sbcblobal.net

Debbie said...

I too find myself staying up way into the night - don't really want to sleep yet could use a good dose. It has been almost a year for me and still night is the hardest and loneliest time. You are amazing. Praying for you and your family and always others.

Debbie

Anonymous said...

Karen, I continue to check on you and pray for you and your family. When your post begins with "just talkin'...", I am filled with a gratefulness for knowing all of you, particularly your precious Jacob.

Blessings to you as you prepare to meet other moms who know your loss (understanding that we all experience loss individually). I've been praying for all of you and hope that you find connections that will lead to healing. I pray that you all feel God's presence, comfort and healing.

With love - Lynne B.

Anonymous said...

Praying that you have a wonderful weekend with new friends finding the peace that only the Lord can provide. Praying for all of the ladies! Please keep talking if that is what you need in order to cope. I haven't commented in the last week or so as I have just been overwhelmed by what to write, it seems that so much is swirling around right now. So I'll try to keep my thoughts together as I eat our latest loaf of Blessed friends of Jacob bread tonight. Praying that the Fahmer boys also have a wonderful weekend doing fun boy stuff.
with love and prayers = cheryl

Cathy said...

Karen, I miss hearing from you. I dont care what you call it, brain barf whatever. I am thinking of you and your family and precious Jacob. Don't even want to pretend to understand the depth of your pain. Cathy & Annabel

Sonja said...

Hi Karen,

Just wanted to check in on you and the family.

Your in my thoughts and prayers daily.

God Bless

Julie said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. Jacob is so beautiful!

Anonymous said...

You don't know me. I am a mom to 7 kids here and one in Heaven. I belong to a group in our town called "The Footprints Project." We are a support group and we also bury miscarried babies once a year. I just thought I'd share with you the lyrics to one song we have played at the service. We just had our burial on June 22nd and we buried 14 babies.
Also, my husband and I lost a full term baby on January 17, 1999. You can read more about us at www.caringbridge.org/mi/laban.
Here are the lyrics..
"PRECIOUS CHILD"

Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart


There is one change I would make.. where it says "Maybe" there's a heaven. Well I know that there is a heaven!!
In God's Peace,
Sarah Talo