Craziness. That describes my last week. Things have been so crazy. My nieces are in town with Jason's family and my boys just love them. So we have been spending as much time as we can with them in the morning before the big nap time crashings. My evenings at the beginning of the week were spent alone....kind of wondering what to do. Then they got busy again....so much so that I have not returned phone calls or said "thank you" to friends for gifts sent in the mail or been able catch up with my sisters. It's not the evenings that are a problem... Late into the night it is tough. I didn't sleep very consistently since January 14th.... and although right after Jacob's passing, I slept through the night from shear exhaustion, now I have a hard time going to bed. It's not that I am not sleepy....I am a sleepy person. But it's just that my routine is so drastically changed that I can't figure out a new routine. There is no longer this little person by my side keeping me so much company. I am a night person. Although sleepy, I can stay up ALL NIGHT talking. Jason CANNOT stand this about me....on the nights we go to bed together (not often because of work stuff), we lay down and cover up, he turns off the light, we kiss each other, say good night and then it happens....everything just starts pouring out of my mouth like a spontaneous volcano eruption (slight exaggeration). It has always been like this....neither of us can get used to the others desires....I want a "girl-talk" time where he pops up out of bed, turns on the light, sits up cross legged and stares at me clinging to my every word ready to join in the conversation and he just wants to go to sleep after the end of a long day and wants me to talk to him at a reasonable hour like the rest of the world. Now, Jacob took a lot out of me but he was my late night "girl-talk" buddy...it was like sleepovers every night! He kept me busy and he told me about his life, I told him about mine.. stories of when I was younger and how I met his Daddy, stories about his brothers....girl-talk. Four and a half months of sleepovers and now, party is over. What do I do now? I DON'T KNOW?!!? I wonder. I have to find something else. The past few nights, I went through Jacob's things and organized his box of things and put things in baggies and folded his laundry and condensed cards and went through unneeded papers.....not quite as great as holding a 5+ pound baby boy on your chest, patting his butt, rubbing his soft hair with your cheek, playing with his beautiful long fingers and telling him stories and listening to his every concern. Solution to the problem?....Nothing. It just is. It's an adjustment. Most things have been going well and I have been doing ok with them....this is tough and there really is no solution...and that is ok because it makes me rely on God as my Comfort. There is no replacement. Jason, my partner united with me through God, is not a replacement and it is not fair to expect him to be one. Here is this ridiculously lonely time in my day that is in need of being filled and who better to fill it than the Creator of Time?!?!?
Next random topic...
Today I went to a wedding shower for some friends of mine from high school. I did not know very many people there but I did end up meeting up with a few girls I knew from high school and met new people. As I was in conversation with one of the new girls, she asked me what I do for a living. I told her I was a mother of 3 boys and began stumbling over my words to try and explain that I have 3 boys- 2 here, one passed- and then it hit me that I had no idea where I wanted to go with the conversation.....she didn't need a detailed overview of the past 6 months of my life but then again, I couldn't just glaze over it either.....so I just blurted out that this was my first time having to try and give an overview of my life since all that has happened. Yet another situation you just cannot prepare for. The one girl I knew from high school knew about my circumstances and very kindly told me that I was doing great...that calmed my feeling of sounding ridiculous... ..she was always a sweet girl.
Forgiveness. Satan sucks. He will do whatever he can to get his filthy mitts on us. Right after we found out about Jacob's terminal condition, both Jason and I recalled a conversation we had with some friends....they were recalling a family who stated that after the loss of their child, they had to forgive people in advance for saying the things they were going to say....there just are people who say things and have no clue how ridiculous it sounds to someone who has just lost a loved one. So Jason and I agreed that we would do the same....we would forgive in advance for the statements that were to come. So where is Satan attacking? Right in this category! But it is very wide spread. On one end, I have statements that were said that I rebuttal in my head and on the other end I have people I haven't heard from and feel as though I should have.....polar opposites and emotionally driven (very unstable). I am not an easily offended person...normally, I am not sensitive to such statements (I usually am the one having to bite my tongue or sticking my foot in my mouth!)....so why is this all of a sudden a sore spot???? Because I made a commitment to be Christ-like and forgive before the offenses were committed.....Satan observed and is now poking at me and trying to get me to take Jacob's beautiful, God-glorifying life and turn it into something that harbors bitterness. I see Satan.....and I will fight with the Holy Spirit that resides in me! He will not destroy my spirit or my testimony and ruin the beauty of Jacob Ryan Fahmer's meaningful life. Please pray specifically in this area for me.
Disclaimer: If you know me and/or are around me and see me frequently, PLEASE do not take my blogging statements and feel you have to walk on egg shells around me or apologize for anything! The very last thing I need is a bunch of people faking in my presence or needing to be comforted because they feel bad.....I am sharing my struggles.....do not feel you can protect me from them by watching what you say or do in my presence. I have to learn. Please allow me to learn and persevere over my struggles....just love me the best you can and do not fear my reactions. Ok? Thanks!
P.S.~ I still smell like maple syrup!....it's been 3 weeks!
1 week ago