Hi there.....it's Karen (I have to say that because I do not have my own identity on this blogger thing....it's either "Fahmer" or "Baby Jacob" so I go under "Fahmer" since Jacob was the only one who knew his password to blog!)
One thing I fear, is that people will take what they feel a grieving mother should be doing or saying and analyze my life to fit this cookie cutter feeling they have. A grieving mother should be on meds, could be starving herself, could be sleeping all the time, could be depressed, could be withdrawn from the world, could be in deep depressing thought all the time, etc. Now, many of you will read this list and say that I am exaggerating but many have this thought what my actions are an indication of. I have heard many of them, although subtle and just out of concern.....I do not have to explain my every action but just to show you how crazy things can get, allow me to rebuttal some of these concerns that have been very subtly expressed......I have always been a sleepy person, I can sleep at a drop of a dime anywhere anytime....I ALWAYS have been able to (if you know me at all, you know this about me)....so the fact that I sleep in is just because I can; the fact that I take a nap is just because I can; I sit still, I fall asleep....even if it right after sleeping for 12 hours!...I love to sleep! I have two active boys and a busy husband who have so many things under control since I spent the last 4 1/2 months taking care of a baby and now that my baby job is over, they still have everything under control and that means I see more opportunity to sleep. Anyone would sleep more after being up for 4 1/2 months! Weight loss....You could turn this into the next article on the front page of the paper OR you can take into consideration the fact that I sat on my butt with a baby in my arms for 4 1/2 months blogging?!?! Now that I am up and going and I no longer have gallons of milk hanging from my chest, I look a bit thinner than I did 2 weeks ago. So, all the stereotypes and such.......THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW! Can these things become a sin in my life and become a stumbling block....sure...Satan is at work. But I just want to point out that not everything that is happening is an indication that I am dealing with things in an adverse way. I know it is love and support that is coming from people who do not live with me..... just take note. Ok, end of note :)
Today was a crazy weather day. I know not everything in life is a representation or parallel to real life but today, it seemed as though the weather paralleled life. It was a stormy rainy night and then a beautiful morning. Then it stormed again. Then the sun was out. Then the sun was out but it was raining without a cloud in the sky. Then it thundered and rained like crazy. Then the sun beamed. Then it stormed and hailed for like 10 minutes. Then there was a beautiful sunset. Then it was night and stormed more. Life. Sunshine, storms, rain, unexpected hail, all jammed into one day just a few moments for each expression.
"It was a stormy rainy night and then a beautiful morning": long trials that you don't understand until you are through them and you can see the Son shine after.
"Then it stormed again": you've been through it before so you strap on your helmet and learn what you need to knowing God is faithful.
"Then the sun was out": mission accomplished. Lesson learned.
"Then the sun was out but it was raining without a cloud in the sky": although things are ok in life, you are hit with these thoughts and fears in your mind. Satan's attacks.
"Then it thundered and rained like crazy": it's real. It actually happened to you....what could have never happened to you, is actually happening.
"Then the sun beamed": you embrace it and actually enjoy it and wouldn't change it.
"Then it stormed and hailed for like 10 minutes": something so rare, that usually only lasts moments, lasted for longer than anyone predicted.
"Then there was a beautiful sunset": gracefully and beautifully, the Son shines through and shows His magnificence.
"Then it was night and stormed more": you are left with empty arms knowing the Son is there all along, it is just you that is not seeing Him on the other side of the earth.
Just some thoughts.
In the midst of the crazy weather, both Joshua & Jonathan had beautiful thoughts of their Baby Brother with Jesus. Yesterday, as the gray clouds covered the sky, Joshua said it was like Jacob and Jesus were shadowing us with their hands and he said he saw a really big hand and Jacob's little hand. Today, during all the storms Jonathan said, "Will Jesus and Jacob play bowling forever?"....bowling being the thunder cracking. I love that they think of Jacob up in heaven well and active and enjoying life along side the Savior of the World. They are not sad for their Baby Brother. I love that they can talk about him and verbalize their thoughts of him. They miss him, but they do not weep for him.
So the past few days have been crazy. I have lots on my mind (you couldn't tell could ya?). Saturday was 2 weeks since Jacob's passing AND it was the 14th, his 5 month birthday. Could I find a reason to be sad everyday? Yep. But I don't want to be that way....it just was a hard day. I missed him so much. I sniffed his little outfit that still has his smell on it, I looked over the blog and tried to enjoy "his" writings. I missed him. All these days before had such little significance before Jacob:
Mondays were just the beginning of a busy week; now they remind me of birthdays.
Saturdays were a day of hanging out as a family; now they mark a day of passing.
The 14th was just the 14th (except for September which is Joshua's birthday); now it is a monthly milestone marker.
Jacob has changed the way I think about every day. I pray for the Summons family more specifically on the 14ths because their baby girl not only was born that day (the very same day as Jacob), but she died that very same day. Thank you Jacob, for making me more aware of the needs of other families and allowing me to see that everyday has it's own significance.
Sunday was Father's Day. I was at a loss. I stink at these hallmark holidays anyways, but now, how in the world do you tell a Daddy of 3 boys "Happy Father's day" when there are only 2 boys there to give him hugs and kisses and cards and breakfast in bed?!??! I tried hard but, man was it tough. I am so glad he went and got that tattoo a few days before....it was something new and exciting and all that it stands for.....it helped.
After a family member passes, there are some random things to get used to that you don't think about preparing yourself for....signing cards from your family or taking a "family" photo. What a sad reminder of a loss. Here I am trying to sign a card from our family and everything in me wants to have Jacob's name at the end but who signs cards with dead people's names?!?!?! And family pictures?!?!? There will never again be a complete picture of our family. The suggestion of it makes me scream inside....what can I put in the picture to symbolize that missing family member.
So, to the many who ask "How are you doing?" Well, I have no idea. I am doing well. Processing. Readjusting. Believing God's plan is so big for Jacob and I am just trying to be used by God in the biggest way possible. I refuse to let Jacob's death lead people to believe it had a adverse effect on anyone. It was a beautiful life and now I need to find my niche of communicating his life to others. I know it is about God and his goodness and His Son Jesus Christ. It's just that Jacob made God so much easier to talk about. When I had Jacob with me, everywhere I went, everyone would come to me and ask questions ....he radiated God's love and people would see this different beautiful baby and I could share with them the amazing goodness of the Lord. Now, I no longer carry the physical "amazing tool of God" in my arms. I have to find a way to radiate God's love so that others come up to me and ask questions about what is different about my life that they see beaming from my empty arms. I want to share. I want to tell his story. I want others to believe and be saved. I want Jacob's life to impact eternity. I want to be a tool. I will find it. I am changed and I will show it....in time.
I am soooooo encouraged to read some of the comments of how our story has changed people's lives. There are some comments that you all have not been able to read because the commenter asked for us to keep it private. Reason for this is because of some of the personal content they did not want the world to see. We have respected their wishes but I would like to share the themes as they come up so that it may be of encouragement to you as well. A mother commented about how she aborted her trisomy 18 baby a while back and recently found herself online searching trisomy 18. She came across our blog and after reading about Jacob and seeing his full life, she saw the life that was ended in her womb. Although saddened, this woman was humbled enough to change her way of thinking. It will not bring back that baby but it may save others. How can that not be an encouragement. What is done, is done. Now go and sin no more. Wow. Thank you Lord for using Jacob. You allowed me to carry him, birth him, love him and share him to change the world. Thank you. It is stories like these that just reinforce my thoughts of how perfect Jacob was made.....he was made perfectly to reach others who could relate in some way. There were no mistakes and there is nothing about that Baby Boy I would change.....because if I did, his impact would be less than what God has planned.
Next thought: I am going to Atlanta with now 7 other moms who have lost babies. I don't know how many times I've said it, but it has come out of my mouth a ton of times, "I have no idea what I would say to me" meaning that I have no idea what I would say to a mom who's baby just passed away. Now, I am headed to Atlanta to face 7 of them! I am soooo looking forward to it, but I feel so out of it. They have all been part of this whole blogger thing way before me and it seems they know more about each other and even me than I do them.....it is silly thinking, but it's thinking.
All these thoughts, no solutions....and that is ok. When I think, I "brain barf" as explained before and I do not expect solutions...I just vent....Jason is a problem solver and he is at work so he has no idea I am posting this jumbled mess!!!...there is no denying that this is a jumbled mess so all you bloggers who always comment that "it's not a mess" and "it made sense".....THERE IS NO WAY you're commenting that this time!
Thanks for being there and "holding my hair back."
1 week ago