Here is something very heavy on my heart. Many of you just found out that I was not here for Jacob's passing. When I found out he was going down hill after Jason's first call, I realized how far away I was and couldn't believe I was just drinking tea and eating mini sandwiches while this was happening at home. I was supposed to be there for this huge event. I was supposed to be holding him. I was in the van just in awe of it all. It was so weird......
Before I walked out the door for my birthday tea, I kissed Jacob on the head and said, "Wait for me baby, I will be home later.....just wait." I knew he was weak. Why I said that?...I don't know. I walked out the door. Why?...I don't know. I drove down the street and cried. Why? I don't know. I turned the corner of the road near my home and said while staring at the taillights of the white car in front of me, "Turn around. Go back." But I kept driving. Why?
HERE IS WHY.....BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN CONTROL. Although I wanted to be there for his passing with my husband, oh how I wanted to be there......I was not supposed to be. You see, every day of Jacob's life, whenever there was the littlest question of his health, I called someone. When ever I felt those feelings of "stop what you are doing and go hold your baby" I stopped what I was doing and I held my baby. Whenever I felt he was in distress, I called for help. May 31st, 2008 at 5:30pm was his time and God had to take me out of the equation to allow it to happen. I would not have allowed it. Jacob couldn't have done it with me there. I could not have been there. Every action I took yesterday was not natural ....the emotions I had were there but the actions were opposite......and everything inside me was saddened as I drove away from my home but God's power led me away because that was what was best for our lives. I didn't do it. I am a person who believes we rest our head on the nest we make and in spite of our choices, God works. I have been proven wrong in this belief. Yesterday, everything that was in me knew Jacob was going. Yesterday, I was a robot doing what I had to do but feeling so differently about it. God knew what was best and carried it out as He saw fit.
I proved this supernatural leading......I proved this with the 137 days that God gave me the wisdom and strength to make the right calls. There is nothing about this last day that is me......everything was different and that was because it was his time and I could do nothing about that. I was with him almost every second of his life.....oh how I miss him......God gave me the unbelievable strength to just go despite everything I felt.....
I would not have chosen this way. I would have been holding Jacob as he took his last breaths. I would not have chosen this. BUT if God said to me before I had any children, "Karen, you have two choices of children.....1) You have three strong healthy boys who grow to be big and strong godly men OR 2) You have two strong healthy boys and a third terminally ill baby who will pass away at 4 and a half months old.....make your choice." what would I choose....who wouldn't choose #1?!?!? So, what am I saying? I am saying that I would NOT have chosen Jacob and I would be sooooooo much less of who God wants me to be without that beautiful baby in my life. Now knowing Jacob, I wouldn't trade him for the world.....nothing can take that baby boy from me.....I want him back. So, what I am saying is that what I think I want, is not what is right and what my Heavenly Father wants for me....He knows best and that is why He gave him to me and that is why he chose this way for Jacob to pass. I have no regret. I feel so weird about the whole thing. I cannot believe that is how it had to be. But I accept it as what is best and I embrace it and I can actually see God's hand in it. It is amazing and beautiful and hard and sucky all at the same time. It is perfect though.
I walked up the stairs knowing that the beautiful baby boy I had asked 2 hours ago to wait for me just couldn't....he couldn't do it with me there......he had to go without me. He went in such a manly way....with his Daddy and brothers calmly and loved.
Jacob left us an absolutely beautiful picture that would not have happened had I been there holding him,......
He went from his earthly father's hands into his Heavenly Father's arms.
1 week ago