Sunday, June 1, 2008

It wasn't me......

Here is something very heavy on my heart. Many of you just found out that I was not here for Jacob's passing. When I found out he was going down hill after Jason's first call, I realized how far away I was and couldn't believe I was just drinking tea and eating mini sandwiches while this was happening at home. I was supposed to be there for this huge event. I was supposed to be holding him. I was in the van just in awe of it all. It was so weird......
Before I walked out the door for my birthday tea, I kissed Jacob on the head and said, "Wait for me baby, I will be home later.....just wait." I knew he was weak. Why I said that?...I don't know. I walked out the door. Why?...I don't know. I drove down the street and cried. Why? I don't know. I turned the corner of the road near my home and said while staring at the taillights of the white car in front of me, "Turn around. Go back." But I kept driving. Why?
HERE IS WHY.....BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN CONTROL. Although I wanted to be there for his passing with my husband, oh how I wanted to be there......I was not supposed to be. You see, every day of Jacob's life, whenever there was the littlest question of his health, I called someone. When ever I felt those feelings of "stop what you are doing and go hold your baby" I stopped what I was doing and I held my baby. Whenever I felt he was in distress, I called for help. May 31st, 2008 at 5:30pm was his time and God had to take me out of the equation to allow it to happen. I would not have allowed it. Jacob couldn't have done it with me there. I could not have been there. Every action I took yesterday was not natural ....the emotions I had were there but the actions were opposite......and everything inside me was saddened as I drove away from my home but God's power led me away because that was what was best for our lives. I didn't do it. I am a person who believes we rest our head on the nest we make and in spite of our choices, God works. I have been proven wrong in this belief. Yesterday, everything that was in me knew Jacob was going. Yesterday, I was a robot doing what I had to do but feeling so differently about it. God knew what was best and carried it out as He saw fit.

I proved this supernatural leading......I proved this with the 137 days that God gave me the wisdom and strength to make the right calls. There is nothing about this last day that is me......everything was different and that was because it was his time and I could do nothing about that. I was with him almost every second of his life.....oh how I miss him......God gave me the unbelievable strength to just go despite everything I felt.....

I would not have chosen this way. I would have been holding Jacob as he took his last breaths. I would not have chosen this. BUT if God said to me before I had any children, "Karen, you have two choices of children.....1) You have three strong healthy boys who grow to be big and strong godly men OR 2) You have two strong healthy boys and a third terminally ill baby who will pass away at 4 and a half months old.....make your choice." what would I choose....who wouldn't choose #1?!?!? So, what am I saying? I am saying that I would NOT have chosen Jacob and I would be sooooooo much less of who God wants me to be without that beautiful baby in my life. Now knowing Jacob, I wouldn't trade him for the world.....nothing can take that baby boy from me.....I want him back. So, what I am saying is that what I think I want, is not what is right and what my Heavenly Father wants for me....He knows best and that is why He gave him to me and that is why he chose this way for Jacob to pass. I have no regret. I feel so weird about the whole thing. I cannot believe that is how it had to be. But I accept it as what is best and I embrace it and I can actually see God's hand in it. It is amazing and beautiful and hard and sucky all at the same time. It is perfect though.

I walked up the stairs knowing that the beautiful baby boy I had asked 2 hours ago to wait for me just couldn't....he couldn't do it with me there......he had to go without me. He went in such a manly way....with his Daddy and brothers calmly and loved.



Jacob left us an absolutely beautiful picture that would not have happened had I been there holding him,......

He went from his earthly father's hands into his Heavenly Father's arms.

Praise God.

20 comments:

Christy O said...

And that is a beautiful picture - from his earthy father's arms into his heavenly father's arms. Exactly. Let that bring you great comfort. God knew all along, and you are so very perceptive to see it, I believe the Holy Spirit, the comforter, must be sitting next to you, whispering those words and thoughts into you. God bless you all.

Anonymous said...

I hadn't thought of it that way. How true.

Laurie said...

Thank you Lord for Jacob!! He blesses my heart even now. Thank you Lord for Karen, for trusting Jacob to her care, she did it excellently and with a pure heart. Hold her close and never let her go, carry her through, bring to her beauty for the ashes. May this birthday be her last one so filled with sorrow. Honor her Lord, lift her up and shine your healing light in the dark places that only you can see and know. Bless her this day and watch over her family, Jason and the boys. Draw them close to your heart. You are Lord. Thank you for Jacob, your little warrior with the biggest heart. We will miss him so much. Help us.

Laurie in Ca.

Kim said...

It's pretty amazing, the way God works. We've been studying providence in our Bible study at church, and yesterday was the final day of the study. I knew about your Jacob, having read the blog Saturday night. Sunday morning's lesson was from Genesis 50 - Jacob's passing. And in service, we sang "How Can I Keep from Singing."

It was all I could do not to laugh and cry all at once for you, for the sweet boy you had to give back to our God who does all things well, even when indeed, they rather suck for us and we don't understand them.

Nicole L said...

you couldn't have said it any better! It wasn't you in all thoese actions you took yesterday! and your precious baby boy knew it was his time and couldn't do it in front of/with mommy! My heart aches for you and your beautiful family today and beyond! I pray for your family to find comfort in this "not real" time in your life! It sucks Big time! and just want you to know Jacob has touched my heart like nobody ever has and i'm sure i'm just one out of the hundreds of thousands following this blog who feel like that! i will ALWAYS read your blog daily hopeing for peace and healing for your family and strength to get through the next couple of days.
you will be missed little Jacob

asplashofsunshine said...

The world would be a much different place without Mommies like you. Your honesty, willingness to be open, and genuine love for your family is amazing. You did all you could do for Jacob (and continue to do so), and I hope there is not a soul in this world that would ever question that.

On a bit of a side note, my 6 year old daughter woke up this morning to me reading the latest entries and I told her that Jacob has gone to Heaven. She just smiled and said, "Mommy, I'll sing to Jacob. He probably likes to dance in the clouds." She lifted her head up and started singing "YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE". She is right, Jacob does make the sun a bit brighter!!!

Rebecca said...

Oh, Karen. That was just beautiful.

Sheila said...

How brave you are. My sisters and daughter and I were all just talking about our Mother / grandmother's passing. She could not return home until Angela & Yvette went to the store for bread... then she passed. I truly believe that she thought it would hurt them the deepest. I admire your courage in sharing the innermost feelings of your heart and for letting go... and letting God. Take care may the spirit of the Lord be with you in this your greatest hour of need. Sincerely.
Sheila, NV

Lisa B said...

Karen you are such a sweet strong Mom. My first thought while reading the facts was oh how sad that you could not be with him when he died. I cry for you. But you saw God's wisdom! I'm so glad to see that you have found some peace. Sending lots of prayers for strength in the days ahead.

Andrea Wereski said...

Thank you, Karen! I cried and cried, physically from afar but emotionally you are very, very close to my heart. I feel better knowing that you are processing this experience with the same faith and grace that you have shown for the last few months. You are a blessing and an inspiration to me.
Love, Andrea

Dawn B said...

Amen.

What you say is so profoundly true. I spent 48 hours straight with my father in law on his death bed. Finally, exhausted, I had to go home to my sons...the nurses told me he was stable...so I left.

Half an hour after I left, he took his last breath.

I lived with guilt for a long time, until I realized that it was God's plan. If I had been there when he died, I would have been a complete mess. My husband, his sister and their mother were there and they had that moment, just the four of them....that was the way God wanted it.

As hard as it may be now, you said it yourself...it was meant to be that you were not there. You would have held him back...it was time.

My sister was killed instantly in an accident 2 years ago at the age of 34. She left behind three young daughters. I want you to know that she is there with Jacob. She was a born-again-Christian and she adored children. I know with everything in me that she will watch over him for you. I know that may sound weird, but I just KNOW she will care for him.

Please know that people all over the world are crying with you. I wish I could do more.

God bless you...

Angela said...

Karen,

Jennifer Stabley told me yesterday about Jacob and it took the wind out of me. I am so sorry for your lose and if I could bring him back for you, I would. Being a mother I could not even imagine what you are going through as well Jason. I am so so sorry. I have followed Jacob since day one and I have cried and laughed right along with you guys. I will miss him and will keep up with his blog. My prayers are with you and your family. I also sent up a message to my great grandmother who passed last week to take EXTRA good care of him. She would love him to pieces, I know it. God Bless you Karen and please call or email me if you need anything. I will be up there at the end of the month. Angela Burns

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

You have such grace.

K said...

You are so very right, I feel it to my soul, and I'm glad you know this. I have read countless accounts of children who sent their parents out so they could die. One little girl with CF asked her father to go get her some rootbeer. When he came back she had died. Nurses frequently will say the same thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with your family at this time, particularly with you, because you are Jacob's mother. I just read a quote yesterday and I can't remember who said it, but it went like this, "Deciding to have children is deciding to have your heart walking around outside your body."

I already miss Jacob and I'll continue reading your blog and following your family as you journey on.

quilter-12 said...

It happened the way it should. You would not have let him go and it was time.

Hugs to you and to the rest of the family.

David, Ashley and Noah said...

As a mother, I'm hurting for you, and with you. I can't stop crying myself. As a christian, I am rejoycing with you. He was such a little fighter, and brought joy into so many peoples lives. I, among hundreds of others, loved checking his blog every day, seeing the miracles that were happening with him. I watched his dancing video a couple of times, even showing my husband and my 9 month old. He was precious and loved by many people that never met him. How amazing your last statement was...he went from one fathers arms to another... Praise God. I know its not much, and I know I'm a half a country away from you, and you don't know me, but if there is ANYTHING I can do for you...let me know. From one christian woman to another, from one mother to another... **Big huggs**.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for the last three months. I have never posted before but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing. I know Jacob's life touched so many people. I am praying for your family. (((HUGS))) and many prayers. Wendy

The Adoption Of William said...

What a beautiful post. You are a strong and amazing women.

With Love and Hope,


Jen

THE LYONS FAMILY! said...

Beautifully said. My heart feels for you soo much Karen! Praying hard for you, your husband, and the boys! Michelle

Mrs Wibbs said...

Amen...
Karen you are such a wise, gracious woman, and I have so much respect and admiration for you. Wow.
I love your trust in God's almighty plan to take Jacob in the way He did, even when it didn't involve you! This shows true, steadfast faith. Praise God