Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Hi

Hi there all my blogger friends. I know it's been quite a while since you have heard from me or Jason....lots going on. It actually has felt good not to be on the computer....no offense to all of our blogger friends but it is nice to take a vacation from it. It wasn't intentional....it just kind of happened.

So, I had another amazing gift from Jacob the other day. Kim Summons (http://marygracesummons.blogspot.com/) contacted me the other day with news of another family affected by Trisomy 18. Little Jonathan was born on July 11th and, to every one's surprise, was brought home on the 14th to live his precious life at home. His parents were not prepared to bring him home but so excited to have the opportunity to do so. Kim contacted me because unlike so many other families affected by T18, God had numbered Jonathan's life with so many more days than statistics entertain and thus the stresses caring for a terminally ill baby....Jonathan's mother and I have this in common. Please pray for Jonathan and his family. His heart is working very hard. He was sent home with no monitors which in my view is a blessing....we got so fed up with all the beeping and wondering if they were accurate and such so we ended up getting rid of them anyways. His respiratory rate fluctuates and at times he seems to be panting. I just am so blessed that Jacob has opened another door for me to reach out to another mother. I was able to talk to his mother for about 40 minutes and just familiarize ourselves with each other....we knew nothing of each other prior. It was great. Please pray for a peace for them, pray they cherish every moment, pray Jonathan has a life full of "living" as opposed to the world's perceptive of T18 baby's being incompatible with life.......(poppy-cock!).

A dear friend of mine from college came into town last weekend and we got to visit for a few days.....it was so great to see her and hug her! She has been someone so dear to my heart since I laid eyes on her 9 years ago and it just was great to share some of Jacob with her and have her see a bit of our lives now....it has been a while since we last saw each other and after she heard of Jacob's passing she had to just come and be with me.....it was something I needed but would never ask for not realizing how much I actually needed it!

I camped out with the boys the other night....it was great! We set the tent up in the back part of the yard near the fire pit, brought some cards out, flashlights and books and just the three of us laid there and enjoyed an evening in our own beautiful backyard. One of the cutest things I hope to remember happened....Joshua awoke at 5:30am because he had to go to the bathroom. So, having those convenient parts, he went outside the tent, walked over to the tree line and releived himself. As he was doing so, he gazed up into the sky and saw the sun just beginning to rise, the crescent moon still bright as ever and the stars glowing magnificently and he said, "Wow.....it's beautiful!" I love it!.... something only a little boy could do!

So as I laid there with my two boys here on earth, I enjoyed the moment....it was beautiful.....the sound of the insects chirping, the site of a sparkling starry cloudless night.....priceless. I soaked it in....but that feeling I gained on May 31st sunk in so hard.....the feeling of someone missing. My Jacob. This feeling resides in me always. I am a mother of 3 boys and although I treasure such a wonderful night with my two sweet boys, my third, the sweetest of them all, was not here. I tried to look at the stars and feel comforted by the fact that although I am in awe of this magnificent creation of the universe, Jacob is in the presence of it's Creator.... but my awe fell short and my selfishness kicked in and I still want him. Our earthly flesh is so selfish and as a mother who misses her baby more than ever before, I have a terrible time rejoicing for Jacob's healing. It is just something that is not natural.....by nature I am a selfish sinner who cannot get past my empty arms to be grounded in the fact that my baby boy now resides in a place where he does not desire or miss or hurt or have a feeding tube or bleed or cry or....need his mother. He has everything he needs....his Savior. Sin, my selfishness, separates me from my relationship with my Savior and my realization that HE is all I need....so much so that I cannot fathom the thought of what those in Heaven are experiencing right now.....I am too wrapped up in my empty arms. I am still taking in precious moments, but last night and today, I just fell short of rejoicing that he is in heaven.....because that means that he is not here with me.....selfish, I know.....but true.

I am well though. I struggle with things here and there but I am well. I feel the Lord holding me and guiding me through these tough times. I praise Him for all He has given me and draw closer to Him when I struggle to praise Him. It is a magnificent journey full of mountains and valleys. I am enjoying the journey and the One who guides it....I am learning so much and growing.

So, there is a very brief update. Please remember to pray for Little Jonathan....I will be contacting his mother by phone and possibly email so I will update you all once there is more info on things.

8 comments:

Emily said...

You're beautiful. Thank you for letting me catch this glimpse into your precious heart tonight. I will be praying for His joy to be your strength, as you miss that boy who is so worthy of your tears. He is well, too, sweet Karen. Keep fighting to see that and keep walking in this anointing you've been given... and know you're being carried every step of the way.

I miss you so much.

Sonja said...

Karen, I am happy that you were able to spend some time with a college friend. Friends are priceless. I also am glad that you are doing well. I can not imagine your feelings of missing your baby boy Jacob, but I can understand missing my baby boy, Scott (17 years old) He has chosen to not live with me or talk with me or see me. He is in another state and my heart aches for him to return home. Could you possibly say a prayer for my son and myself, that we may come to agreements about our differences and that he returns home to complete his education. I will pray for little Johnathon. You are fulfilling God's plan for Jacob's life. He is still here with you and making an inpact on so many. God Bless you.
Sonja
skm2@bellsouth.net

Destini said...

Such a beautiful post. My mind is drawn heavenward often these days as some of the older people in my life pass from here to heaven and as I read about some of the children like your Jacob who have passed away. It is so hard to comprehend for those of us left behind how truly amazing heaven is and will be. Harder still to comprehend for me is the idea of eternity. We will spend an eternity with our savior, not just a few years. My earthly mind cannot seem to grasp the idea that life here is not a permanent thing, that this is not my home. There are also days where I long to be called up...especially when bad things are happening in life. To be removed from the hurt...but then again, I am not being transformed into his likeness and shaped into the person he wants me to be. So I wait. And Pray. And Praise. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of your family and your precious Jacob and offer prayers for your family.
May God continue to use you and bless you.

Beav's Wife said...

So glad you wrote... I'm glad you had a break too and that you've been able to enjoy your time with your friend and your sweet boys. I think of you all the time and will continue to pray for you and now Jonathan's family.

I am Heather...creator of all things crafty! said...

Karen, my prayers are with you, as always. It should make things sweeter in the next day or so as your order should be arriving. I cannot wait for you to get it. Let me know when it arrives. I shipped it on Monday.

Heather

Laurie said...

Karen,

I really hear your heart in your post and I love your honesty. The selfishness that you speak of is such a normal part of being a mom. I truly believe that when God gives us His gift of a child, he equips us with a lifetime of love for that child. It doesn't go away because our babies leave too soon. You are left grieving the love you have and the arms that held Jacob not so long ago, and it hurts. I see you reabsorbing this love into a new ministry of reaching out to other moms you can so relate with. This is part of Jacobs ministry he began for you. He is blessing you with the compassion to reach out, and it is a beautiful thing to witness from here. His little (huge) life is blooming right here in this Season and you are a blessing to others now, especially little Jonathan and his family. Praying for them and praying for you too. I love your heart Karen, and you too.
And I love your campout with the boys. Those times are special memories being stored up in their hearts forever. I love Jacob too.
Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

So glad to hear from you! Your words are inspiring.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Hi Karen,
Oh sweet friend, I have said in many of my posts that God knows my heart so why fake it. He created Mommies and knows that we want our babies with us regardless of the perfection in Heaven. Our arms ache for them our eyes long to see them...it's just hard.
I love that you camped out with your boys and had some priceless moments with them. My girls love to camp (when it's not 105 outside!!)
Thank you for calling Jonathan's Mommy. I know what a blessing you are to me, I am sure you are a God send to her. I will be praying for him and his precious family.
I love you friend and wish I could stop by to see you!
With love,
Kim