Thursday, March 12, 2009

Fighting Drama

So, in talking to some mothers who have lost a child, I found that I tend to refer to this Baby #4 as "the child after"....just meaning a child after a loss. My tendency to get wrapped up in drama comes out more than I like. I am not a person who enjoys drama....ask my dear friend Kelly who's jaw hits the floor when I get straight to the point on things just to avoid what I categorize as drama. Anything that is unresolvable yet repeatedly brought up, anything that has a solution yet the solution is avoided to continue to wallow, anything that requires tiptoeing around the point causing time to be wasted, anything that most likely won't happen yet is openly and emotionally fretted, and I am sure I can think of others but my list would be quite dramatic then, wouldn't it? So why do I find myself falling into these dramatic feelings? Because that is just what Satan wants. He wants me to waste my precious time meddling over things that I can not possible know, he wants me to avoid bathing things in prayer because he doesn't want me to trust the Lord, he wants me to get caught up in dr appointments and testing so that my trust no longer rides on the back of the Creator but rather on the results from test tubes and technicians. Since finding Jacob's heart condition, beginning his blog, and his experiencing his death, my eyes have been opened to so many sicknesses, genetic "disorders", diseases, "malformations." So what has happened? In my moments of weakness, I have allowed my knowledge of what is out there influence my thoughts in a way that is unproductive. I allow "drama" to creep in. I see where others have difficulties in carrying their "babies after" and I think that I should have those same difficulties....drama. God has always protected me from certain difficult moments that happen after a child is seeing that mother playing with her baby when I cannot hold mine, like seeing those 3 boys when I am allowed to gaze on two out of three.....I see how they could be difficult moments, but God has given me a very special peace and allowed me not to struggle with these moments....thank you Jesus! But now, the past is not a struggle, but rather the future. I find myself seeing a mama ready to pop out a baby and I just hope to get there with Baby Fahmer #4.....why? I have never lost a single child before birth! I find myself being funny about going to the hospital where Jacob was born.....why? With God's strength I've been back there, went into the very room I stayed in the ICN, and gazed upon yet another precious baby with Trisomy 18! I find myself nervously anticipating the 18 week ultrasound.....why? I had no issues with a single pregnancy until I was 6 months with Jacob! I do not want to be paralyzed by moments that resemble my darkest days....instead of being paralyzed, I want to see how God has molded me through those times and made me who I am today. The facts remain: I was at that hospital when I found out what difficulties lie ahead for my son, my son died in my home on this couch, I sat in my parent's van as I received the news of my son's death, I kissed his sweet face for the last time standing in my driveway. Those are the most difficult moments I have ever encountered. But does that mean we find a different hospital, move from our home, burn our couch, never ride in my parents van again and never play hockey and basketball in our driveway? No! I will not allow those days to cause panic and discontentment in the present. God did not give me those moments at those places so I can be haunted, anxious, and struggle.....those are NOT things of the Lord. Do I think of those moments and days and wonder what in the world happened? Yes. Do I allow them to dictate my current actions out of fear? No. I will avoid the unproductive drama that I so easily slip into, and I will take what I have learned and be productive for the furthering of the Kingdom of God. It is a struggle at times.....memories of my sweet boy are all I have...the good and the tough....and I will not allow Satan to take a single one from me and use it to against us in the present. God gets this victory.


Laurie in Ca. said...

Amen and Amen Karen!!

Keep trusting God in the present, day by day and moment by moment as He holds your future and your baby's in His loving hands. Jacob's little life changed so many things in a huge way and he has left you to continue his ministry to us. He helped open my eyes of my heart to babies and their mommy's in all circumstances that life dishes out, knowing who is in control of life. I love Jacob and want you to know that I am praying for you through this pregnancy and asking God for His protection over you and your family each day. I am so happy for you. Praying for your 18 week ultrasound and all other appointments until you hold this baby in your arms.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Kathy said...

All I could think while I was reading this was "Amen!" over and over and look, Laurie has all ready said it!!

Beautiful post, Karen. Thank you for it.

Very exciting that Beth used your meeting with her in her Esther study. How you and Jacob touched her. How you have touched us all.