Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Mush

I keep thinking of posting (Jason was the one who posted last time) but in all reality, my brain is nothing but mush. So, instead of making the effort to put two thoughts together and state something profound, I have just surrendered to mush. This has proven very productive....really it has. I have this amazing gift of Jacob that I try to make the most of but it is not for me to use. I try to communicate with mom's because I am so burdened for them and their families....but reality sinks in.....MY plans mean nothing. MY efforts are lame. I cannot make a difference in any one's life (despite what you think Mom:). God can. He can use me. He can (and has) use my son's story. Anytime I make the attempt to help someone else with using our story, it blesses ME instead! So, my mushy brain is the work and blessing of the Lord.....I can only put two thoughts together because He allows me to, when He wants me to, to bless who He wants. The effort on my part is so minimal and I love it that way. One evening last week, my phone rang.....I didn't do anything to make it ring.....all I had to do was answer it. It was a mother calling to ask me how we dealt with some controversial things with Jacob. What a blessing it was for me to use Jacob's life to help....oh, how that melts my heart!??! I made myself known to her in the past and I picked up the phone when the Lord wanted to use me. That simple. The Lord just lays amazing opportunities right in my lap. Last weekend, an old friend came into town because her nephew passed away....he was born under two months ago at the same hospital Jacob was. I had never met the baby's mother but I realize the importance of supporting people, so me and some common friends went to the wake. At first, I was being selfish and dramatic....I felt nervous about going because that very same hurse that took my son's body from me was the one that took this baby boy....it was the same funeral home (if you don't know the ridiculousness of my experience go to the post on May 31st...have tissues). But I talked myself out of the dramatics and plunged forward. I wanted to go to support my friend and let her sister know that I am here, I "get it" and I am in the neighborhood....here I went to be a comfort to them and my brain contains nothing but mush and I have no idea what I said (I was probably one of those people who say ridiculous things just because I knew nothing else to say!)......it turns out to be such a blessing for me.....Jacob's life blessed this family weeks ago although they knew very little of us....when this boy was in the NICU, the nurses made something for them using the scrap booking supplies "Jacob" donated. This mom was so comforted by it she plans to treasure it with his other memories. Oh, that just made my heart sing praises to the LORD! Here, she has been touched and although I thought I was going to be there for her, God gave me a gift that evening when I was expecting to be a broken mess. I could not have planned this or expected any of it. There is nothing we can do unless the Lord wills. We don't have a clue as to who or how or when!....the Lord makes blessings out of mush. I love mushy messes....it makes it easier to rely on the Lord and see His work.

9 comments:

Emily said...

Sending love from one mushy mess to another! :)

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

HOW AMAZING! I LOVE HIS PERFECT TIMING!!!
marie

Destini said...

Our God is amazing. When we truly become less (or Mush)God becomes so much more. It is amazing what he does with a little bit of Mush! I'm proud of you girl. It is easy to be trapped within the grief and void you are feeling, I am so thankful that God keeps working with your heart.

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

There is great healing in reaching out to others. I am so excited to be starting a support group for parents of special needs kids on Oct 17th, I pray my mushy mess of thoughts will be a blessing to others!
SO good to hear form you.

mrsrubly said...

i am so happy that you went to the wake. i know that must have somewhat very hard for you to swallow. b/c of Jacob, so many lives have changed. your Jacob is beautiful. and god does put things in our laps unexpectedly. he puts us in places to help others. even when we are blind to see it @ that given moment. bonny

Karen Z said...

I'm right there with you in the mushy category:) We can't do it alone, but God can work through us and use stories like ours to help others and to bring glory to his name. Hang in there - praying for you today.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if this will resonate with you as much as it did me, but here goes.

I recently read that taking care of an ill child actually takes a physical toll on your body - as in does physical damage to your body. BUT that it is reversible, by helping other people that are going through the same thing later on. So what you (and God) are doing is actually repairing your body. I just thought that was so interesting.

Laurie said...

Great post on God using us Karen. I love how He brings it all about in His time. We only need to be obedient to move when He tells us to. And I know He loves mush and really uses it for LIFE, look at what He did with the MANNA. I am sure that was some kind of mush when prepared:) I love the direction He and Jacobs life is taking you, it is beautiful.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

TC from MKE said...

I found your blog last night and spent a few hours reading about Jacob's life. And I was amazed at how such a small boy, with such a small time on this earth, could bring such huge joy to so many people. Just look at all the pictures of him with family and friends. Everyone is smiling so brightly. Your little boy was truly a light.