Mush

I keep thinking of posting (Jason was the one who posted last time) but in all reality, my brain is nothing but mush. So, instead of making the effort to put two thoughts together and state something profound, I have just surrendered to mush. This has proven very productive....really it has. I have this amazing gift of Jacob that I try to make the most of but it is not for me to use. I try to communicate with mom's because I am so burdened for them and their families....but reality sinks in.....MY plans mean nothing. MY efforts are lame. I cannot make a difference in any one's life (despite what you think Mom:). God can. He can use me. He can (and has) use my son's story. Anytime I make the attempt to help someone else with using our story, it blesses ME instead! So, my mushy brain is the work and blessing of the Lord.....I can only put two thoughts together because He allows me to, when He wants me to, to bless who He wants. The effort on my part is so minimal and I love it that way. One evening last week, my phone rang.....I didn't do anything to make it ring.....all I had to do was answer it. It was a mother calling to ask me how we dealt with some controversial things with Jacob. What a blessing it was for me to use Jacob's life to help....oh, how that melts my heart!??! I made myself known to her in the past and I picked up the phone when the Lord wanted to use me. That simple. The Lord just lays amazing opportunities right in my lap. Last weekend, an old friend came into town because her nephew passed away....he was born under two months ago at the same hospital Jacob was. I had never met the baby's mother but I realize the importance of supporting people, so me and some common friends went to the wake. At first, I was being selfish and dramatic....I felt nervous about going because that very same hurse that took my son's body from me was the one that took this baby boy....it was the same funeral home (if you don't know the ridiculousness of my experience go to the post on May 31st...have tissues). But I talked myself out of the dramatics and plunged forward. I wanted to go to support my friend and let her sister know that I am here, I "get it" and I am in the neighborhood....here I went to be a comfort to them and my brain contains nothing but mush and I have no idea what I said (I was probably one of those people who say ridiculous things just because I knew nothing else to say!)......it turns out to be such a blessing for me.....Jacob's life blessed this family weeks ago although they knew very little of us....when this boy was in the NICU, the nurses made something for them using the scrap booking supplies "Jacob" donated. This mom was so comforted by it she plans to treasure it with his other memories. Oh, that just made my heart sing praises to the LORD! Here, she has been touched and although I thought I was going to be there for her, God gave me a gift that evening when I was expecting to be a broken mess. I could not have planned this or expected any of it. There is nothing we can do unless the Lord wills. We don't have a clue as to who or how or when!....the Lord makes blessings out of mush. I love mushy messes....it makes it easier to rely on the Lord and see His work.