Saturday, February 21, 2009

Been A While & Lots Is Happening

Well hello there....if there is anyone still out there!!! I know it has been a while since we have updated. Lots going on in my head, but not a whole lot coming out of it!

Jacob's birthday was a lot for me.....very strange day where I felt very lost in how to celebrate the birthday of someone no longer with us. But as Jason asked for the Lord's blessing on our meal and day, I was reminded that it was a celebration of the day the Lord grabbed hold of hearts and used such a precious instrument to further His purpose. January 14th 2008 the Lord graced me with the most precious gift he has given me since His salvation.....He allowed me to hold a piece of heaven for 138 consecutive days and that very first day, the very first moment of Jacob's life outside the womb that began a journey that changed me and so many others forever...that instrument of God was born in January last year and was celebrated this year. And everyday since then has been impacted by the sweetest baby boy this world could know. All to the glory of God.

These days have been harder. February 14th of last year, I snuggled my baby boy in celebration for him beating the odds on his one month birthday. He will always be my Valentine forever stealing my heart. I will forever remember holding him, breathing him in, rubbing noses with him, and him showing his love for his mama as we wore red and celebrated with exchanging Valentines and singing Happy Birthday. I guess I have a difficult time explaining why these yearly holidays that were celebrated with Jacob last year cause me to have a knot in my stomach this year. I am not sure if it the disbelief that an entire year has gone by or the sadness of not celebrating with all three of my sweet boys.....it's still tough to sort and articulate it all. All I know is that I miss my youngest boy. I miss him more than I ever have. I have cried for him harder than I have since the night of his passing. His squeaks. His smell. His breath. His soft hair. His presence gave me such a grip on the things that matter in life.....he made doing God's work so easy (for lack of better term). And all these things I have in me forever but for them not to be tangible.....it hurts. For me not to be able to gaze into those strong blue eyes and actually see the value of time.....the world creeps in and I get lost in the day to day. I haven't forgotten, but what I am saying is it was much easier to remember what matters most when Jacob was here in my home, in my arms. I treasure my days with Joshua and Jonathan more than I ever have and I am thankful for their blue eyes I get to gaze into to remind me of the things that really matter and how to value time as their mama. They are such gifts.....and I know they are on loan just like Jacob was and that makes me act on things now and not wait until later....we just never know if later will come.

Joshua and Jonathan are such proud big brothers.....they talk of Jacob all the time reminiscing on the times we had with him here and how he is forever in our hearts. They and Jacob are big brothers to Baby Fahmer #4 who has taken up residence in my womb for the last 14 + weeks. They are very excited.....as much as their reality allows them to be. They have hope to be able to "keep this one" but yet they know that not every baby was not meant to grow old here. They preface their conversation about the baby with "if we get to keep this one" or "if this one lives" but then they proceed to share their hopes of summer time fun and days filled with loving on yet another sibling. They hope, yet understand we are not promised to hold another life. They are such big boys who have learned such huge lessons.....they have learned so much about life and know so much for a 6 and 4 year old. Their spirits are stunning and the refining continues, I know, but it is just amazing to me their grasp on it all. Children are a blessing.

So how am I with this all.....this will be a continuing topic....for the next 25 weeks! Pregnancy life is very different this time around....the realities of loss linger and the excitement mingles but it is all low key.....not like our previous pregnancies at all..... there are things that would have been discussed way before now that we "just aren't there yet" with this new one. Emotions are tough....grieving a loss mixed in with carrying new life is very hard to say the least. I have made it very clear that this is not the 3rd child redone.....this is our 4th....a separate creation, a separate soul, a separate journey, a separate story all wound into the Fahmer Family. This little one's story began 14+ weeks ago and every moment I get to mother them, outside or inside the womb is a moment that was gifted to me by God. Understanding that this baby is not Jacob redone is very clear but the lessons from his life and realities of never being promised another moment are just lessons you do not take for granted. It's not fear; it's our reality. There is no replacement for Jacob. I have held other tiny 4 pound babies and gazed upon another Trisomy 18 child and felt nothing similar to holding my Jacob Ryan....I have tried to simulate him in my desperate moments....it cannot be done....his body is laid to rest and his spirit lives forever with Jesus. Many of you may say that that is all without saying but I have spoken to mothers who's babies after a loss are their redeeming children....this baby does not carry any more weight on them because of their big brother.

Their big brother Jacob gave them more love already than any child could ask for.....Jacob was used to change us to love more and this baby will hopefully be welcomed into a home embellished with love. Joshua and Jonathan have loved this little one so much since the day they found out about them and I know they love more than before because of all they have learned.

So this conversation will continue for some time.....but for now, I must get off to bed. Thank you for loving us. God Bless.

31 comments:

asplashofsunshine said...

Amazing news! Congratulations!

The VW's said...

My heart continues to go out to you over the greatest loss that anyone has to endure. My prayers will also continue to go out for you. Jacob's life has touched so many and his purpose has been great!

Congratulations on your new little blessing from God! I pray that you are feeling well and for the health of this gift from God! God Bless You!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! You are incredible. This child will is lucky to have 3 big brothers, and wonderful, loving parents. Fahmer#4 will be beautiful.
Praying for you,
Lisa

Laurie in Ca. said...

Oh Karen,

Congratulations on baby #4. What a blessing to read this news. I will be praying for the baby and for all of you along this new journey. Jacob will never be replaced, his life is too huge:) He will just get to be a big brother. How special for Joshua and Jonathan too. Praying for you all and I love you guys.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Anonymous said...

Of Course we are very excited for your family, and may Baby #4 continue to bless each of you in his/her way.
We love all of you.
grandma judy

Krystal said...

Oh, so very happy for you! I will be praying for your hearts in this wonderful and difficult time. I thank God for another baby for you and will be praying for God's blessing in this little one's life.

Bonnie and Charlie said...

What wonderful news. May you all be blessed abundantly!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Grandfriends Bonnie and Charlie.

kmielcarek said...

Karen,
What wonderful news! Congratulations! This child is truly blessed to have such a wonderful family. Love, Kristen (your distant cousin)

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Congratulations...sue in August? July? Im almost 12 weeks due in the beginning of September so just guessing here.
Always thinking of you and your sweet family.

Corie said...

Congratulations. I know this baby will be just as proud of their big brother Jacob as you are. Although they will not meet on this side of Heaven...he/she will know the beautiful story they are a part of.

Susie said...

Congratulations Fahmer family! :) And yes, the walk between welcoming a new one and missing the last one is definitely like no other journey I've been on. May God gird you over the next few months as you remember your time with Jacob (I'm in the one year stretch too, until March 15th). I hope and pray Baby #4 comes home with you, just as I hope Baby #3 comes home with us. *Hugs!*

Jade.Sanford said...

Hi Karen:

I have been reading your blog for a while now. I am thrilled to hear that you're expecting your 4th baby! I feel your pain when talking about how you miss your sweet Jacob. My sister-at-heart has lost two beautiful babies of her own, a girl at just over an hour, a son at 6 & 1/2 months. They were her first two. She has since had one more of each, and was pregnant with her second son not too long after her first son had passed... just a few months. Someone who shall remain unnamed was angry with her for having another child; like she was "replacing" her baby boy that she had just lost. She replied "You don't have one child to replace another" It is true, even if all of your children are living, you don't say "oh, billy is getting to old now, lets have another" I know the same applies to when you've given your precious child back to God.
But, anyhow, I just wanted to share that. Jacob will always be your 3rd, you already know that though. :)

Hugs

Emily said...

I miss you so, so much. I thought of you and all our Atlanta girls so much today and I'll tell you why later. ;) But oh how I wish we could just spend a weekend all together and pregnant!! What a sight we would be now. My heart echoes so much of what you say and my babies echo yours, too. God is carrying us. He is good. And those babies in Heaven are smiling down and melting our hearts every single day, aren't they?

I wouldn't change a thing... even when it hurts.

Me and my Gurl said...

Karen,
Praise God for such wonderful news. I think of Jacob each day and remember getting up each morning to see how your night went or what Jacob might have to say. There is nothing in life that can replace him for you or even for me. Because you see, Jacob taught me many things..... One was to live each day with love for all. He was such a sweet sweet little boy. No I did not know him or you personally but God spoke to me through Jacobs life and your life. Thank you for sharing your precious family. I so look forward to hearing about your new addition(s) :) God has a wonderful plan for this child(ren) already. I pray you stay healthy and baby does also and that this pregnancy is a fun and wonderful blessing to remember.
God Bless you all.

Sonja - fl

Hilary said...

Such amazing news!! the boys get to be new brothers again and Jacob gets to be a "big" bro! Life is good! Congrats to such a special family..will be praying for a great pregnancy :)
p.s. there is no replacement for sweet Jacob :)

The Sanchez Family said...

I am so glad to here from you again. I will be keeping your family in my prayers during this exciting and emotionaly truing time.

Melissa in KY

stevensprecious said...

You have taught me so much about loving and living the moment. Thank you for sharing your journey with Jacob with us. It is so touching.

Congratulations on Fahmer #4. Each life is precious, and I am so happy for you.

Penny said...

Congratulations!

What an awesome miracle. Your right we never replace a child. We just add to the dimension and depth of our families. Our angels could never be replaced!

Anonymous said...

Of course we are still here reading...and most importantly praying for your family. And now, thanking Jesus for your newest blessing. Praying the Lord soothes your heart...

Cathy said...

Oh what great news. Yes you are the mother of four and always will be.

Kayla said...

Congratulations on baby #4...I loved reading about Jacob's days and was so sad when he had to leave. I wish you only the best and pray that you will "get to keep this one" - I can't wait for updates!

mrsrubly said...

CONGRATS # 4..yes jacob has changed the lives of many here on this side of heaven..i pray that you have a very uneventful, healthy pregnancy! jacob, you are missed by many sweetheart! you will never be forgotten! you come from a very loving family! with big brothers that just love you so deeply!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on the new baby. I hope he or she is loved for who they are and not just Jacob's replacement. One child can not replace another one.

Jen said...

I can appreciate how hard it is to keep updating a blog - life gets in the way - which is a great thing! Just wanted to say congrats on creating new life - how exciting to have another name to add to a piece of rice! ;)

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Hey Sweet Friend,
Good hearing from you. Isn't grief weird, the thoughts of you crying more lately is something I understand fully. Easier with time??? What does that mean?
I think of you and Jacob Ryan every day of my life. I love that sweet boy and his Momma very much. I pray for his baby brother or sister and am so glad to know you so I can be a part of the journey with you. Don't know if you read my last post but it's titled "if they get to stay" - so I know about the comments you are getting from your precious boys.
Know I love you friend and am praying for it all.......
Kim

Kathy said...

Such wonderful news!!!

Beautiful thoughts here, Karen. Thank you for sharing your heart.

What fun it will be to follow along on this new journey with your sweet family.

Sweet Jacob shall never be forgotten. He has taught us all.
Thank you for being so generous to share him with all of us.

Prayers for peace, health and baby #4!!!
Kathy

Rachel said...

Congratulations on your newest blessing! I will be praying for your family!

Julie said...

Congratulations! I am excited for the little brothers too!
I am glad that we will be walking this road together.

Katie said...

Congratulations of your 4th baby! How exciting! Continuing to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers now and always! :-)

K said...

Congratulations on Baby Fahmer #4! I'm so happy to see so many families who lost their little ones last year prepare to bring another child into their family, some by birth and some by adoption.

I like to think that Jacob and his new sibling are hanging out in heaven right now. I believe that life begins with conception but that the soul can still go between the newly growing body and heaven at will and that only after birth is the veil into heaven lowered.

HOA Mgr Lady said...

congrats! May your pregnancy be untroubled. We'll all be praying ofr your family!