Lasts

So, here we are.....in the 51st week after Jacob's death (I didn't really count....I just know there are 52 weeks in a year so I did the math). There aren't many weeks that I play back in my mind, but this one is just too significant not to.....it was his week of lasts.....and although we were blessed with so many firsts and seconds and thirds, it's the thought of his lasts that overwhelm so many of those thoughts. His last birthday celebration where his older brothers leaned over his sweetly sleeping body and sang happy birthday ever so softly as to not disturb him. His last cardiologist appointment. His last doctor's appointment (of so many) where we expected him to overcome since that was what he always did. His last nurse's visit. His last bath. His last visitors. His last night with his mama on the couch. His last blog entry. His last boys night. His last snuggle on his mama's chest. His last kiss from his mama. His last breath.... (the thought of it....since I missed it). Overwhelming. Everyday it is overwhelming. Every night before I fall asleep I fight the overwhelming thought of "this actually happened." I don't need a date to remind me that I miss my sweet boy. I don't need a calendar to tell me when to weep....we just deal as we go. I just know that there is something missing. A mother's job is to be needed and busy among her children....I no longer have that earthly job with Jacob physically and I haven't for the past year but it is a job that I will forever feel I need to fulfill. So although he had all his lasts just about a year ago, his memory is forever lasting in the hearts of those who love him and who have been changed by his 138 days on earth. God continues to use Jacob's life for His glory even today, almost a year after he has passed. So Jacob hasn't touched his last heart.....he is lasting, remaining safe in the arms of Jesus, where he will be.....until I get there and snatch him up! :) And my precious boy lasts here in my heart and the hearts of others until our last days. I know my last tear has not fallen for my sweet tiny boy....there will be many more....I'm taking one day at a time, until we reach our last.