Monday, December 15, 2008

Onset of Emotions

Well, I was doing good for a while there with the "Before the Blog" posts and such but I have come to a stand still. January 15th, 2008 was such a ridiculous day and I just haven't been able to get the words organized to relay it all. I have also stumbled upon some emotions that have a difficult onset especially around the holidays. When people ask "How are you doing?" man is that a loaded question....and I am not one to lie but there are those who are actually asking it and then there are those who just would rather hear a lie and go on with things. So for those who don't want to hear the real answer, stop reading.

I miss my son. I miss him more than I have ever before. The 14th of a month hurt badly for the first time. I got a 1st birthday party planner in the mail last week..... a month ago, that wouldn't have hurt.....this month it did. Not because I want a baby to celebrate his first Christmas and birthday.....but because I miss my son Jacob who "would have" been or had...

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas....easier said than done. Am I a Grinch?....no. I know what Christmas is all about....and Jacob will be in the presence of the One most of us strive to celebrate......and my earthly flesh cannot get past the fact that my arms are not holding my baby boy and it cannot even fathom the One who is......so I struggle. It's what God made me to be..... a mother. It's what God has given and taken from me. And in this, He has given me so much more than I could have possibly even thought to ask Him for......but this process has it's growing pains....and I am in a growth spurt. I don't have time to pretend to be cheery mrs. clause and bring all the children and family and friends great happy Christmas cheer when deep down, I hurt. I can see, now more than ever, how people hide away because the expectation to be happy and celebrate with chocolates and cookies makes people nauseated who have this hurt. Do I have joy?....I sure do.....in the things that matter.....not in presents, chocolates & cookies.....my joy is in the things of the Lord and what He has made me as His child.....and the path He has me on is not all cheery and happy....it just isn't.

So this grief I have has it's tendencies: I want to be with my boys and stare into their smiling faces as much as I can and spend as much time with my amazing loving husband as I can. I want to surround myself with comforting people....not forced hugs from people who don't have a clue where I am at. I want to surround myself with joy.....not false happiness from presents bought at a department store. I want to be encouraged in faith.......not just some story about some big fat guy who comes in a red suit. I want to be around those who miss my son......not because they just know his name, but because they experienced him and they truly know who he was and is and acknowledge his impact on this world.

So, I will get back to "Before the Blog".....I have those days spinning in my head all the time and they will get to the blog. I am just trying to get through these days....one step in front of the other....one at a time.

"...my earthly flesh cannot get past the fact that my arms are not holding my baby boy and it cannot even fathom the One who is."

13 comments:

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

Oh Karen - I started out to say I know... BUT I honestly don't know - not your pain in its entirety, because you had Jacob so much longer. SO I don't know exactly how you feel BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU I SINCERELY HURT WITH YOU!!!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Karen,

I am praying for you to make it through this holiday season, moment by moment. Your honesty here touches my heart deeply. Praying for your "mother" heart that misses Jacob more than I could ever imagine, for your aching arms that held him, and asking God to surround you with "Jacob Loving" people this season. Just be who you are Karen, you are lovely and missing a little guy who left the hugest impact for so many. I miss him too.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Inkling said...

No words, just ears and prayers for you and your family. love, Sara

Krystal said...

Karen,

I too pray for you. I don't know your pain, but I know you hurt. So, I lift you to our Heavenly Father, asking for comfort and peace.

Kathy said...

Oh, Karen!

Prayers for your tender and hurting heart. Praying for many perfect moments this Christmas for your precious family.
Your little Jacob is missed by so very many. He had such an impact in this world and we thank you that you shared him with us!

Love,
Kathy

Corie said...

Wow does that sound familiar! Im not sure if I have posted before, but have followed your story for awhile. Glad I checked in tonight. I know exactly how to pray for a family I only know from this blog, but can understand the pain. Praying!

Jaci said...

I will pray for your family during this time. I am sure it must be hard during the holidays. I hope you and your sweet family have a happy holiday. I love reading your blog, but don't comment very often, but I do think of you all the time and sweet Jacob.

Emily said...

I read this last night... and all I could do was nod. I get it. I remember that very Christmas so well. This one hurts, too, but that one was just unbearable. I am so sorry your heart aches, then again so thankful that you're letting it? If that makes sense. You have much to miss this Christmas and there is no denying that. Be gentle with yourself. I don't have to tell you that God's going to carry you through. :) I'm here any time.

Amie said...

A friend of mine gave me your blog site - and I am SOOO glad I stopped today. Our son's birthday is Friday of this week. He lived for 40 days, and died of SIDS. This post really hit home for me - I was crying so hard I woke my husband up...it was THAT nice to read a post that I could actually relate to in this big mess. So THANK YOU! I will be stopping by regularly.

If you want to e-mail me, I would absolutely love that. I don't have anyone close that can relate to my situation...sometimes my husband included! So I can absolutely feel your pain in this post - thank you so much for your honesty!!!

IowaMother@yahoo.com

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Sweet friend Karen,
my hands sit on the keys wanting to say something that will ease your pain. I have nothing that even comes close. I will not pretend. There is nothing that takes away the ache that our arms feel, the hole that seems to be gaping in our hearts. I know the Truth but sometimes it just doesn't help, straight up, it just doesn't matter.
Know that I love you, know that I love Jacob Ryan Fahmer, know that my girl dances with him, know that there isn't a day that goes by that I do not have you and your boy in my heart. Will just keep praying that's all that I have......

dollymama said...

Hello Dear friend...I am so sad for you that you are suffering in this way...I can feel hurt for you but certainly not the kind of deep hurt you must feel...I can imagine the emptiness you feel, the part of you that aches for your sweet baby boy, he was too sweet, and simply perfect! I am so thankful that I got to hold him, rock him, and love on him. You were awesome to share him with so many people...so they too could experience the power of God's love in such a teeny tiny little boy.
I know God's plans aren't easily understood many times, but I am tearfully glad that you can still feel joy. There is joy in the Lord so you are in the Lord. God has such plans for you on your journey, while the winter may be here right now your Spring-time will surely rise out of this darkness, and you will continue to bring light and teach true joy to those around you as the gift of Jacob's life unfolds with time. I will continue praying for you as you continue to experience your son's purpose as it is uncovered day by day. God is good...all the time dear Karen! Hugs!

Anonymous said...

thinking of you and hoping a rainbow will shine through your darkness. keep feeling your feelings and reaching out.
love a.l

Kenzie said...

Karen-

Love you girl and I know that the feelings you have are real, authentic and deep... Praying for you as you miss that precious little boy. I think holidays are a little different for many of us this year... thank you for being part of our story too.

Love you and Merry Christmas!
Kenzie