I miss my son. I miss him more than I have ever before. The 14th of a month hurt badly for the first time. I got a 1st birthday party planner in the mail last week..... a month ago, that wouldn't have hurt.....this month it did. Not because I want a baby to celebrate his first Christmas and birthday.....but because I miss my son Jacob who "would have" been or had...
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas....easier said than done. Am I a Grinch?....no. I know what Christmas is all about....and Jacob will be in the presence of the One most of us strive to celebrate......and my earthly flesh cannot get past the fact that my arms are not holding my baby boy and it cannot even fathom the One who is......so I struggle. It's what God made me to be..... a mother. It's what God has given and taken from me. And in this, He has given me so much more than I could have possibly even thought to ask Him for......but this process has it's growing pains....and I am in a growth spurt. I don't have time to pretend to be cheery mrs. clause and bring all the children and family and friends great happy Christmas cheer when deep down, I hurt. I can see, now more than ever, how people hide away because the expectation to be happy and celebrate with chocolates and cookies makes people nauseated who have this hurt. Do I have joy?....I sure do.....in the things that matter.....not in presents, chocolates & cookies.....my joy is in the things of the Lord and what He has made me as His child.....and the path He has me on is not all cheery and happy....it just isn't.
So this grief I have has it's tendencies: I want to be with my boys and stare into their smiling faces as much as I can and spend as much time with my amazing loving husband as I can. I want to surround myself with comforting people....not forced hugs from people who don't have a clue where I am at. I want to surround myself with joy.....not false happiness from presents bought at a department store. I want to be encouraged in faith.......not just some story about some big fat guy who comes in a red suit. I want to be around those who miss my son......not because they just know his name, but because they experienced him and they truly know who he was and is and acknowledge his impact on this world.
So, I will get back to "Before the Blog".....I have those days spinning in my head all the time and they will get to the blog. I am just trying to get through these days....one step in front of the other....one at a time.
"...my earthly flesh cannot get past the fact that my arms are not holding my baby boy and it cannot even fathom the One who is."