January 14th, we got to the hospital early, like 6:00am. A few hours later,they got us into a room. They hooked me up to a bunch of machines and Jacob showed no signs of going anywhere other than a soft cervix. We had some issue with resident suggestions as to how to proceed...I have a couple medical doctors in my family and I think this gives me a boldness to ask questions so I took some questions to the attending (who was another one of my amazing doctors) who took things over. But Jacob on the other hand, was putting on a show....he was responding VERY adversely to even the low dose of the induction meds. Now, we were on a deadline to deliver this baby....nothing set in stone, but it would have been nice if Jacob was delivered prior to 6pm due to the Dr's involved. At this time it was 4 pm and things were not looking good for a vaginal delivery any time soon. We tried the drugs again but Jacob's heart kept decelerating at such low doses....he just would not be able to take the stress of delivery. They came in and told us they were getting the surgical room ready for a c-section and they would be back soon to get me to prep for surgery. I was terrified. Jason tried to cheer me up and I did ok....until they wheeled me away from Jason to take me in that room....I lost it....a c-section scared me so bad...the thoughts of people trudging around my wide open body on a table while I lie wide awake behind a sheet....it gags me even now the thought of it all. They brought me in the surgical room. The lights were so bright. The clanging of the nurse tossing the instruments and metal pans. The needle penetrating my spine and sending shooting pains down the entire right side of my body. The counting of the medical instruments and rags as to not leave any behind inside of me. The nurse forcefully suggesting the anesthesiologist get her attending to stick me right. The drugs only taking effect on my left side. The waiting for the drugs to kick in on the right side. The poking with a pin that I could feel but should not have been feeling. The deciphering of pressure verses pain. I would not numb as quickly as they wanted me to. I could still feel it. Jason stayed close to me. The doctors on hold waiting for me to numb so that they could reach inside my womb and take my son from it. Finally, I was numb. They began. And although I could not feel the pain, I felt the tugging. I felt them inside of me. I sobbed the entire time. I am now. I was invaded. I didn't want it to be like this...I had to be ok so that I could be int the ICN with him and go to Rochester for his open heart surgery. I had to be ok. I hated every moment....every moment until I heard his cry. My son had been stripped from my womb and we cried together. I lay strapped to that bed, womb wide open on that table but the chaos melted away for that moment when I heard that cry. All I kept asking was "Is he blue?" He cried some more, Jason went over to meet him. Jacob was not blue. He breathed well. He did not circulate oxygen 100% but he did well. He was much much smaller than anticipated....he had been estimated to be just under 6 pounds while in the womb and he was actually 3 pounds 14 ounces. They wrapped him up and handed him to Jason. I met him. I kissed him. I already missed him! I kept thinking he was blue but they said he was ok. We had our pictures taken while they sewed me back together below that sheet. Jason and Jacob went down to the ICN while they took me to recovery. Jason stayed in the ICN for the next 4 hours and met his newest boy. I stayed in recovery that long. They didn't want me to be in a room on a floor that had babies on it....they were trying to get me onto a different floor so I hung out in recovery. Because we still did not know about the T18, things went as normal. I think back to this and I am shocked. There are so many who had just a few moments with their diagnosed T18 babies after birth and here I am in recovery drugged after surgery for 4 hours not being with my not-diagnosed T18 baby. The cardiologist and ICN fellow came in to tell me some news we just did not want to hear....Jason had already heard because he was there with Jacob while they were examining him. Jacob's heart was much more complicated than anticipated and they were not sure what they could do to fix it...the simplest surgery (as if any open heart surgery is simple) was out of the question and the second series of surgeries was more probable. I asked if the genetic testing was being done so he could have his surgery and it was ordered. I laid there and sobbed for my tiny baby boy who was broken and the anticipated surgeries that would have his tiny body opened on a table multiple times throughout his life to fix him. They took me to my room. I got out of bed and into a wheel chair to go and see my tiny baby boy. There he was in his open air bed. I looked him over. I melted. He was so sweet. He was so tiny. He was so strong. I looked at his feet and noticed they were a little different. I noticed he did not open his hands. I took note of it but it still did not alarm me. He was perfect. He was the sweetest baby I had every laid eyes on. I spent some time with him and then we both rested.
To be continued....
4 days ago