It's Been A While

It's been a while since I posted and for those who have been checking in on us and wondering... I apologize. I don't know that I've been actively avoiding it... just haven't had the words lately. I think about Jacob everyday ... but those are my thoughts... not to be shared at this point. Sorry. As I was doing my Experiencing God devotion book this morning though I came across a story that I thought I'd share because it mirrors what we went through with Jacob and I thought it might be good for some of you out there reading this blog. So here it goes:

"When our only daughter, Carrie, was 16, the doctors told us she had an advanced case of cancer. We had to take her through chemotherapy and radiation. We suffered along with Carrie as we watched her experience the severe sickness that accompanies the treatments. Some people face such an experience by blaming God and questioning why He doesn't love them anymore. Carrie's cancer treatments could have been a devastating experience for us. Did God still love us? Yes. Had His love changed? No, He still cared for us with an infinite love.
When you face circumstances like this, you can ask God to explain what is happening. We did that. We asked Him what we should do. I raised all of those questions, but I never said, "Lord, I guess You don't love me."
Long before this expereince with Carrie, I had made a determination: no matter what my circumstances, I would never look at my situation except against the backdrop of the cross. In the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, God forever convinced me that He loves me. For this reason during Carrie's illness I could go before the Heavenly Father and see behind my daughter the cross of Jesus Christ. I said, "Father, don't ever let me look at my life and question Your love for me. Your love for me was settled on the cross. That has never changed and will never change." Our love relationship with the Heavenly Father sustained us through an extremely difficult time."

How true that has been in our lives as well. Now when I think of Jacob, I will think of him with the backdrop of the cross. It is God who gave and took away. It is God who sustained us. It is God who loved us enough to draw us into a relationship with Him. It is God who is to be loved and praised regardless of the situation in front of us... because behind that situation is the backdrop of the cross. There is nothing that can happen in the foreground that can negate or over rule that which is in the background. The cross trumps it all. Thank you for the cross!

A Hint of Clarity

Where do I begin??? Just this past week, I was speaking with my oldest sister on the phone. It came up how I just want to share this journey but I lack the words to describe specific significant moments (seriously, I used to read a thesaurus for fun because I lack descriptive words....weird, I know...sshhhhh don't tell). I lack accurate consistent descriptive words that will clarify this amazing journey. I am wishy-washy....not with what has happened, but just in how I explain things. I use words like "ridiculous" to explain lots of events with Jacob and then I have to then go further to explain what I mean by that......I want words that just say it....and this is something that after speaking with my sister, I realized it will be the work of the Lord. Why? because I am praying God would use this story in even bigger ways. But I realize that this is a ministry from the Lord and I HAVE to give this beautiful story, of how Jacob brought me closer to the Lord, time to be sorted and clear and strong....it is not about me, it is about the work of the Lord. So I have been sitting back and trying to dissect certain profound moments and trying to figure out accurate descriptive words.

Along came our church's pastors. They contacted Jason and me to be group leaders of a church family Bible Study. We accepted the invitation....the study is "Experiencing God." I chuckled inside because I have experience God more these past 10 1/2 months than ever before in my 13 years of knowing Jesus as my Savior. But I prayed that this study would help me clarify how I have experienced God and how to share it with others as to experience Him more and more.

One of the events I struggle to find accurate words to relay God's amazing work is October 3rd, 2007....that is a profound day in my walk with Christ. This day was the day I went to get a routine ultrasound and found out my baby boy would struggle for his life once out of my womb. All you blogger friends do not know this story because we met you the day Jacob was born and once we knew of our journey with T18....this is some of the story prior to a T18 diagnosis. So here is the letter I emailed our friends and family on October 7th, 2007:

Hello everyone~

I am writing this from a position I have prayed to never be in but yet God has given us a joy in our circumstances for He is the giver and creator of all things and there are no mistakes under his watch and care. I wish I never had to find joy in my children having struggles but here we are faced with our biggest chance to experience God's love even among times of pain and uncertainty.

On October 3rd, I went for an ultrasound at the Regional Perinatal Center at Children's Hospital to get a better picture of the 4 chambers of our baby's heart. There, the sonographer (with 9 yrs. experience) could not get the picture she wanted from the angle she wanted. Suspicious of complications, she volunarily called a magnificent OBGYN who works with high risk deliveries to take his own personal time and take a look at her findings. After observing for a while, he determined that our little baby's heart is not functioning the way a normal heart should. I am not a doctor, just a mother who listened and may have some things mixed up at this time but I will do my best and correct myself later. His left ventricle is very small and shows signs of congenital heart disease. His right ventricle in enlarged (probably to compensate for the left side) and the two major arteries are connected to the right side parallel (there should be one connected to each ventricle criscrossed). He has developed a hole between the two ventricles which allows circulation to go to the left side....this is a GOOD THING....the heart is a muscle and needs to exercise and the way it does that is by pumping blood so the hole allows it to have something to pump. He needs surgery.

On October 5th we met the baby's pediatric cardiologist....he holds up to his fabulous reputation from many I know in and out of the medical field...he is a blessing. After his observations of the baby he is very positive in the success of surgery after the baby is born. Depending on the development of Jacob's heart in these next 4 months in the womb, one of these 2 possible surgical procedures could take place:
1) Jacob's left ventricle continues to grow at a steady rate and is salvageable, he will have a surgery correcting his 4 chambers at about 5-7 days after birth.
2) Jacob's left ventricle does not grow, they have to make his heart into a 3 chamber heart with a series of surgical procedures: The first procedure would be at 5-10 days after birth, the second at 6-8 months, and the last at 4-6 years.....as the heart grows the materials (tubes and such) have to be lengthened.

The preference is the first surgery so what we need is for his little heart to grow and make the most of the left ventricle....please pray for this growth!

As for how we are doing, it is times like these that God's presence is so evident in our life. God has blessed us with the right doctors going beyond what they are required to do and we recognize God's goodness in that. He has given me the calmness and trust that only He can provide. All the medical professionals we have come in contact with have commented at our reactions and we praise God for giving us the strength to be a witness of His love through this. At weak times we allow our concerns to get the best of us and the hardest times are yet to come (like allowing doctors to open up my newborn babies chest to operate!) but God has shown us His love through the shock of finding this all out and He will never leave our sides....we trust Him. Please pray for us as parents to make the best decisions with what is put into our hands to decide.....there are not many things we have to decide but there can be great stress in what we do have to choose.

We will keep you updated on progress as we find things out....we have another appointment with the pediatric cardiologist in 4 weeks and I have my regular OB appointments so if there are changes I will be sure to let you know.

For those of you who have known and prayed for our little one, we thank you so much and ask that you continue to pray for his strength to grow in the womb so that when he is born, he is strong and ready for the procedures that need to take place. Please pass this along....we need as many prayers as we can get!

Thank you and God Bless.

The Fahmers ~ Karen, Jason, Joshua, Jonathan & Jacob

You see, on October 3rd, there was this "ridiculous peace and calmness" that was supernatural....it was the Lord. Up until tonight, I lacked that single clarifying word to describe this significant turning point. I tried my best but I just fell short and struggled through and people patiently listened and tried to get it but I just knew that my words were not accurate enough.

So after doing just the first lesson in this Bible study, God gave it to me....finally!....here is the statement I read that made it click, "When you get to the point in your life where you trust Jesus to guide you one step at a time, you experience tremendous freedom." THAT'S IT!.....FREEDOM! That day, I had a nightmare come true and I had nothing to lean on.....that day, I trusted Jesus to guide my steps one at a time and I experienced freedom. Did things go great from there on out? Nope....not according to the standards of this world. But this freedom I have in Christ, gave me the strength to get through a living nightmare with joy and peace. I love it!...freedom.

I am just so excited to have this clarity to describe that day. I know it is just one word but do you know how significant that day was? I know what happened and what I felt....and I just want to share that with everyone.....and when I am trying to relay it to others especially those who do not know Jesus, I want people to know that a walk with Christ is REAL....it is not just a religion I practice....it is a real relationship where there is true freedom.

So this is just one step towards clarity....I am just so excited! God's work is so exciting....get on board.

Jacob being used by Christ.....what a journey?!?!?.....one well worth taking.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

Please Vote For Jacob!

We're not sure who nominated us for this award but anything that spreads Jacob's message to others is worth a vote! Thanks!

Mom to Mom

It has been over 3 months since my baby boy has passed. So much has happened. There hasn't been a single moment that I have felt as though our loss was for nothing. These past 3 months have been jam-packed with unbelievable experiences that just would not have happened without the blessing of Jacob. These past few weeks, I have been in personal contact with 14+ mothers who have experienced or anticipate a loss. Each one of those contacts are because of God using Jacob's life to bless another. I just rejoice! That sounds ridiculous to those of you who have no clue. I have been told that it is kind of strange the joy I have through all this.....almost bothersome.....call it strange, or call it bothersome......I call it the PEACE OF THE LORD! Others who know the Lord may grieve differently, but this is it for me....I will be positive, I will use my baby boy's life to help others, my home will be a happier place because of Jacob's life and death, my other sons will see the goodness of our Lord even in hard times....will I fail? Yep, already have....will I persevere.....with the Lord by my side, He will have the victory!...Satan will have no part of Jacob's life.

These contacts that I have made have blessed me so much. It is just conversation but it is conversation that cannot take place with just anyone....it is a conversation that has a comfort because on the line are two people who "get it." It may be talk about medical things or what we did at home with Jacob or decisions we had to make or what we thought about certain issues or what we did for his memorial service or how we arose at certain conclusions.....but it amazes me how I have no idea who these women are but yet we talk with such ease and understanding. Jacob's life and death have made it possible. I get to be there for other women.....a ministry that would not have been possible without that sweet blue eyed prince. If you are a mother who needs to talk to someone who "gets it" please contact me.....I have been blessed to speak with mothers touched by T18, mothers who have had "unexpected" losses before and after birth....I do not claim to know it all and although I have been there and I "get it" I still have no idea what to say, but Jacob's life is available for the Lord to use and I will do my best with Him as my guide. You can email me at babyjacobryan@gmail.com.

I know many of our blog fans have given up on us now with our lack of posting....thanks to all our faithful fans! Posting doesn't come as easy as it did before. There are a few good reasons: Joshua & Jonathan. I have been spending lots of time with them. My computer has seen a whole lot less of me and I like it this way....I miss all of you but in all honesty, you are all strangers (well most of you!) and 2 of 3 my boys are here and you all understand that. I have this amazing opportunity with 2 of them....it is an opportunity that only comes once and I am wanting to cherish it because not everyone (Jacob) has any left.....this opportunity is called "time." I am homeschooling them and loving the time it makes me put into them. So, I will continue to "grieve" here....this blog is entitled "The Life of Jacob Ryan Fahmer" and his life continues to touch others as it should. I will continue to share how his life touches others and continues to touch our family. I have decided to keep this blog true to it's title and keep our recent events here at home, here at home.....I may begin a new blog for the other boys but right now is not the time. I still have so much to share about all the Lord is doing in my life these past few weeks.....and I will right here on this blog.......but my computer time for now has expired.....

to be continued.....