10 Years ago.  Just the same as now, I couldn't sleep.  So much was flying about in my head.  I was a bit anxious as I had never had an induction before plus this was a high risk pregnancy.  I did not enjoy knowing when I was going to have a baby.  I had this pressure of wanting to deliver during regular business hours so my son's doctors wouldn't be burdened with after hour calls and I wouldn't get on-call physicians.  Due to his condition, I was also anticipating a blue quiet baby which I was told would be fine but when you are used to delivering those that are pink and loud, that was a bit concerning.  His heart worked fine inside my body, but once out, we were not sure what would happen.  We woke very early and headed to the hospital.  After a very long wait, they got me all hooked up on monitors and began the induction process.  Lots of time had gone by and I remember being concerned about the time.  Not too long after drugs entered my body, my son's heart rate plummeted.  He rallied, but with every minor contraction the followed, his heart slowed.  Business hours passed.  They called in the on-call physicians who broke the news that I would have to have a cesarean.  I bawled.  As my husband suited up and they rolled me away and they counted all the instruments in the room and they poked my back repeatedly, I bawled.  The process was so mechanical.  I had to interrupt their normal activity as anesthesia and my right side do not agree but once I fought the eager robotics of hungry students, I was numb, my husband was brought in.  Within moments, my son was pulled from my womb and he cried out.  Jason went to him.  From behind a blue curtain, all I kept asking was, "Is he blue?"  He had his crew of doctors and nurses, none of whom we knew, and I was being put back together.  Then from behind the curtain, Jason walked him over to me cradled in his arms, a scene that would hold so much more meaning 137 days later than my heart could even have known in that moment.  I saw him.  I did not hold him.  The restriction of the surgery was torture, but to tell the truth, I was very nervous and kept telling Jason, "He's turning blue!" and wanted someone to be with him.  But he was there, and he was pink (the reflection of the blue curtain kept throwing me of) and he was perfect, and he was tiny, but, guys, he was so perfect and sweet, and that moment I got to lay eyes on my sweet boy for the first time, will forever bring tears to my eyes and lack of words to my mouth. 

I can keep going with the details of the recovery room, the visitors that came in, the news from the doctors, how I refused to go to a floor where a nursery was because i did not want to be where all these mothers had their babies but mine was fighting for his next heart beat in the NICU.  There is so much I can dig out of the recesses of my heart an memory of this day 10 years ago, and the 137 that followed....

There are certain things I just do not forget.  Ten years later, I can, in an instant, go back to a time and place and think the same things and feel the same feelings.  As I recall this snippet of Jacob's birth story, my mind races with so many thoughts and feelings that had this been a vlog, it would be even messier than it is! 

But if you happen to have read this blog that started 10 years ago, you know the ending of Jacob's life on earth.  And it is hard to know both the beginning and the ending sometimes.  As with any life, there are all the different kinds of moments....good, bad, tough, long, short, hard, terrible, dreamy, fantastic, difficult, hilarious.  When someone is no longer here on earth, it can be hard not to taint the good days with the bad ones.  May 31st was the most difficult day of my life.  I can and do visit that nightmare of a day and the difficult ones that followed after just as clearly and strongly as I can the day I first met him.  As times goes by, loss in general doesn't get any easier.  It may appear as though it does, but those who have had great loss know that truly it does not get any easier.  I was recalling some of Jacob's days with a friend a few weeks ago and she put to words something that I find difficult to verbalize.  I am not good with verbatim and she took it from another friend but she said something like this...."People say that it [loss] gets easier over time, but it never.gets.easier.  Through Christ, you find ways to cope with your loss."  For me, the reason it doesn't get any easier is because I can still feel it no matter how much time goes by.  I can think of sitting on the couch, breathing in my sweet baby tucked under my chin on the left side and feel it ever so real.  In the same real way, I can think and feel the last moments I carried my son's body from my home, stood in the driveway, and said goodbye.  But each memory does something in building my relationship with Christ.  That snuggly one makes me so thankful for moments with my boys that however precious these boys here on earth are to me, I am precious to God the Father.  And that horrific one makes me thankful for the arms here on earth He gave me to collapse into and anticipation and hope for the promise of the day when He will wipe away every tear!  Loss has been a tool of God in my life to see Him more clearly. 

My loss has complicated the celebration of the gift, but it has not robbed me of it.

It is hard to find a way to celebrate.  The truth is there is no 10 year old boy here to throw a birthday party.  This is where the 10 years-older me struggles.....what do we do? how do we celebrate? what do the boys want to do? do I answer the phone? what do I say? do we bring it up as a family? do i bake something? do I see people? do I stay away from people? 

It.never.gets.easier. 

The first time we came around to Jacob's birthday, I struggled to find a way to celebrate my son's first birthday.......Jason comforted me when he prayed for our evening meal and said ([again, verbatim is not my forte]...something like....) today we celebrate the day God gave us Jacob and began a good work in him.  And regardless of the story that unfolded, this day is a day that will forever be celebrated in my heart with praise and thankfulness to Jesus Christ.  However awkward we make it appear, my heart is so very thankful for my sweet sweet Jacob Ryan. 

Happy Birthday sweet sweet boy! 

Jacob's Second Baby Brother

We welcomed our 5th Baby Boy into this world Saturday July 23rd at 2:21am! Job Patrick Fahmer wasted no time in his grand entrance just like his big brothers Jonathan and Jeremiah!...we got to the hospital at 1:20am and he was born an hour later.

Why the name Job (long o sound)? Well, although we know most people will call him job (short o sound) and he will be "job farmer" most of his life....we decided that the name meant more than having to correct everyone that walks into his life. We wanted the biblical name Job so we didn't want to add any vowels just to appease those who don't know the name. Do not look up the meaning of the name Job!....it isn't pretty (I know you will now, so let me save you the effort....it means "hated one and persecuted one"). So why name such a perfect precious gift of life a name that means awful things?!??! You have to look beyond the meaning and into the life of the man he is named after.

Job. A man of immense Godly character. In Job 2:3, God-the Creator of all life-the Beginning and the End- says about this earthly man Job, "There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he shall maintain his integrity.." Um, God himself calls him blameless and upright. That is the man this baby is named after. Yes, biblical Job's life has this unbelievable season of suffering, but God used that life to give us a look behind the scenes of this world and into the true power of his love for us. How we pray that our little Job here will someday hear God say that he was blameless, upright, and most of all, a man who fears God. Read through the book of Job (not easy happy-go-lucky reading), follow this man's season of triumphant suffering and see how his conversations with God shed light on our worldly lives to reveal the bigger picture of this life. The name is worth the headache of correcting people.

The Patrick came about because we found out that he was a boy on St. Patrick's Day....and although it began as a corny joke, the sound of that name was beautiful to me and despite all efforts to try other things, Job Patrick was what stuck and sounds just perfect.

"Job Patrick Fahmer, you are loved beyond words and beyond this world. May your life here bless the Lord and bring others to see the face of Christ on your's."

The May 31st's and June 1st's of Life

Yesterday we remembered our sweet Jacob Ryan's "home going/ heaven day" three years ago. This is always bitter sweet as we were left here to miss him terribly but yet he was perfected and we rejoice in his gazing on our Creator. The boys remember May 31st, 2008 pretty well...I can't imagine forgetting but I am always impressed at how they remember such details. This year, we didn't do much to "celebrate"...we just kind of talked here and there and remembered some things. We received a few cards, a phone call or two and a gift for his garden. It was sweet, simple.

As a child, May 31st was an exciting day. Preparations for my birthday were well on their way. That night was so difficult for me to rest and sleep. Summer was in full bloom (most of the time!), school was coming to a close, summer dresses were broken out, the light of day was so much longer, and I was going to celebrate being a year older and celebrate MY DAY.

June 1st, 1981, my parents welcomed me into this world after my mother had been blowing up balloons for my grandmother's birthday celebration. They got me as a gift! Their third baby girl in less than 4 years. And little did they know the spit fire that they were blessed with!

June 1st, 1986, I was in kindergarten and Mrs. Sciog made me a golden crown with a jeweled number 5 on it. Ok...maybe it was yellow paper and rainbow glitter but I LOVED it and saved it for many many years as I did feel like queen of the day.

June 1st, 1991, I clearly remember my Uncle Mike pumping me up for the big 10 by telling me how I was now into "double digits." That was so cool.

June 1st, 1997, I was given my long awaited charm bracelet by my Grandmother Schmitt for my sweet 16.

June 1st, 1999, I was asked to spend the rest of my life with the man I had fallen in love with at such a young age and continue to love every day of my life. Dreams came true.

June 1st, 2002, I held my first baby boy in my womb and packed boxes to move half way across the country to a place where God would grow us immensely.

June 1st, 2008. Just hours after my third baby boy left this earth forever. I awoke in the middle of the night panic stricken and searching desperately through the sheets for my baby boy, awoken by the voice of my husband telling me it was ok but I could only dream of holding him again. As we awoke that morning, my husband held me and we sobbed as the saddest we have ever been overwhelmed us. My oldest came into the room and played cards and did his best to put bandaids on his mama and daddy's gaping wounded hearts. I called dear friends and spoke words of loss and hurt to them. I was sung the original rendition of "Sucky Birthday To You" by my amazing husband who is the only one who could bring a smile to my face at that moment. I went to a funeral home and picked out dead-people-cards (not sure what those are actually called) and made cremation arrangements while my baby boy's body lay behind the door adjacent to the office I was sitting in. I sat in a vehicle with my husband as we drove up and down the boulevard unappetized to eat anything but knowing we must have something and crying in each parking lot we stopped in. I sat in a home filled with loved ones at a table filled with lifetime favorites of BBQ ribs and ice cream cake and sung "Happy Birthday"....but felt nothing but hurt and loss and sadness.

Every June 1st since then, I have struggled to put on a smile and feel the "Happy Birthday." My birthday has become a day of a conflicted heart. That one birthday reaks havock on this heart of mine. Any other day? Really? June 1st was spent like that? As if there could be a better day to do all those things, but it sets my heart in such conflict for today.

But God is bigger. So much bigger. Through the conflict, I see more clearly. I appreciate the simplicity of the day. The gifts I get are not wrapped in beautiful paper or mailed in cards. The tangible gifts I get...well, they are these precious children who just beam with excitement for me. All they can think is excitement and celebration...and that is such a gift and I can see it through them...they are contagious. The gift I get is a husband torn for his wife. His love shows through his concern for me. His heart is worn on his sleeve as he too struggles with what to do for this day and how to make is special and make me feel like that 5 year old queen again. He never fails.

June 1st, 2011, my 30th birthday, I awoke to the tender goodbye kiss of my husband and the sweet "Happy Birthday" of his voice. My baby boy number 5 sleeps soundly in my womb. I peeked in on my two older boys sound asleep in the morning sunlight. I walked the yard with my 22 1/2 month old, watched cars and buses go by as they begin their work days, and was made aware of all the ants and spiders in our vicinity. I peered into my flower garden where some sweet memories of Jacob are held. I look forward to the rest of the day.

Simplicity. I find my happy birthday in the simplicity of the day. Happy Birthday to me. Really.

"Thank you, Jesus, for the excitement of childhood birthdays, the significance of the teenage ones, the devastation of my 27th all to bring me to see the intricate simplicity of my days from here on out."

Love you all. Karen

A 5th BOY?!??!

Ok, so I am not in blogger world anymore. I am sorry....well kind of. You all know how I feel about being with my boys.

Well, I just wanted to make it blogger official (I made it facebook official already) BUT....

Baby BOY Fahmer #5 is due to arrive August 1st, 2011!

It is one of those balancing acts. God has given us an appreciation for every breath we take and taught us so very much. He allowed me to glimpse at this precious baby boys hand as it waved across a screen as if to say hello. He allowed my heart to hope for the day I am able to hold that hand in mine and hope for may more days with him. As mamas, we project the days when our children will be older, going off to college, dancing at their weddings....but the truth is, we are not promised more than what we have this very moment. Not to ignite fear or panic but appreciation for what it is we have at this very moment and not to look at it for anything less than the miracle it is. So carrying this precious 5th borrowed baby boy of mine, my second since the reality of time and eternity and the sorrow of loss, I am thanking the Lord for my moments to mother this child right now, hoping for more but not taking these little dances in my belly for granted. Again, Jacob Ryan is an amazing big brother and has gifted this baby with more love than I could have given before his life and death.

Please pray for this sweet baby. Pray for his continued growth and coming birth. Pray for his big brothers as they too balance the reality of loss with the hope of the baby's future. Pray for Jason and I as God works in our lives to prepare us to parent our 5th sweet boy outside the womb.

Oh, there is so much more I want to share but I have so many blue eyes to stare into right now.....gotta go stare.

I will be back.

Love you all!

Karen

3 Years Ago!!!

Today marks the day, (3 years ago already!), I finally held one of the most precious gifts this world could ever know.

Jacob Ryan, God used your tiny life to change this world, our family, and my life forever. God is still using your life to further His kingdom and it is a privilege to be a part of.

I love you and celebrate you today and always in my heart!

Love always and forever,

Mama

Brown Shirt Mama Reunion

I have tried, ladies and gentlemen....I have tried to write about this weekend....I can't do it. I haven't the time, the energy, or the words to do it! There was just too much that I have no idea where to begin...I tried to begin from when I booked the tickets, then from when I got on the plane, then from when Kenzie greeted me at the door....nothing flows...nothing does it justice. Here's a few details: I was embraced by my mama friends from

Atlanta, met a new one and her baby boy who was so lovely and encouraging, loved on all the babies I could, swam and played, cried tears when each one of those babies were held in my arms, stayed up LATE, was challenged and encouraged....but above all, I stood in awe of God's amazing plan for me and these ladies. It was great. It was a miracle weekend. It was perfect.

Here are a few pics since I have so few words.

My amazing little flier. He was so good....minus poking the people we sat next to...good thing God gave him those beautiful blue eyes and prominent dimples!

Our amazing hostess and baby girl. Kim and her family were amazing hosts and just really one of the sweetest families to be around. It was a blessing to be welcoming into their home.

Kim's chalkboard, all ready for the weekend...she didn't miss a thing!...except for sour cream ;)

Mamas laughed hysterically as these babies found no humor in it!

The counters were always full of cups and.....

.......electronic devices!

I got to spoil the ones that weren't mine!...that is a chip that has been dipped 4 times! :)

Pool chaos!

The last to leave :(

One of the pics I have been waiting 2 years to get....while our babies walk with Jesus, us mamas have walked together here on earth, missing our precious babies and remembering and honoring them the best we can. Those two little footprints began such an amazing work of God ...and if it weren't for either of them, I would have never stepped foot on a plane to get to Atlanta or this weekend.

Bribed with lollipops...whatever works, right?

**************************************************************

Drum roll please....and THE picture we've all been waited for.........

One of the most precious pictures I have ever been honored to be in.

Us 8 Atlanta/Brown Shirt Mamas (beaming!) and our "babies after".

"Happy Birthday, Jeremiah" ~ Love Jacob Ryan

One Year! I know I am not there to sing to you, to blow out your candles before you could, to unwrap your presents before it is time, to play with all your gifts with you…but, Baby Brother, I have given you so many gifts this last year.

I gave you two big brothers who kiss on you and hug on you and cherish their time with you because they know what it s to make the most of their time with their baby brothers.

I gave you a mother who now sits and breathes your breath, who listens intently to your sighs, who holds you a little bit longer because she knows what it is to never hold again.

I gave you a daddy who praises and thanks God everyday for what he has and what he has been given because of what God taught him through my life.

I gave you a family who now realizes how significant celebrating every day is, let alone an entire year of life.

You are loved in such a special way, because God used me as a gift to you.

Happy Birthday, Baby Brother. You are loved and cherished,

Your Big Brother ~ Jacob Ryan

~Your Big Brother ~

~Jacob Ryan~

"Children of Promise"

To try and put to words the emotions and the comfort and the beauty of last weekend....it's tough. So here is a glimpse of something miraculous God did. This is just a piece of what God has done for us mama's....He totally did not have to do this but He loves us so much that He has been working on this amazing gift for over a year now. This gift is proof of how God has had this meeting of us mamas planned out with perfection. Angie Luce, mother of Poppy Joy, wrote these words on her blog http://poppyjoy.blogspot.com/ back on April 23rd, 2008.

"WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2008

Children of Promise

I recently started running again, and I was quickly reminded that it is a form of exercise I like in theory more than reality. It's a love/hate relationship because I truly do like it when I'm good at it, but right now, being a year out of practice, I stink. I'm trying to push through, and I've set a goal to work my way back up to a 5K hopefully by next month.

I think one of the reasons I'm struggling right now is the boredom factor. I run outside with no iPod or music entertainment of any sort, making it incredibly easy to focus on the shortness of breath and pain in my side rather than anything positive. But the other day something broke through the tedium. It wasn't a vision, but it was something I envisioned as clearly as if I was seeing a photograph in front of me. It was like all of the sudden I had this image of babies and children outside on a blanket, bunched together for a photo shoot. They didn't look at all alike, but every one of them was smiling. As the picture floated in my head, I felt God telling me, "These are the children of promise."

I remember years ago on the first anniversary of September 11th seeing a magazine with a front cover spread of the babies who had been born after that date. I remember thinking they were a dual symbol of grief and hope. They were reminders of so much that was lost, yet they were also beautiful pictures of life after the tragedy. "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13

This is the closest thing I can think of to compare what I saw. The picture had so many kids, and one of them was mine-the baby we haven't yet adopted, but who we know God has already chosen for us. The others were the children of my friends who walked this road with me. The kids didn't know it, but what they all shared in common was the fact that they all had a brother or sister in heaven who they would never know. They had no idea how special they were; they had no idea that they were the children of God's promise.

I doubt that photograph will ever be taken physically, but I feel the truth of the image is certain. I don't know when or how, but I believe that God will provide for each of us, in His perfect way, and in His flawless timing. That does not mean the road will be all sunshine from this moment on. God hasn't promised that. But He has promised in Psalm 30:5 that "Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." I've already experienced this shout of joy in many ways, but I don't think it is complete. God has put on my heart the desire for another child, and I believe He wants to fulfill this in my life. I'm looking forward to seeing His promise play out, one beautiful child at a time.

POSTED BY ANGIE AT 11:04 PM"

Here it is, my dear friends. Here is one of the most precious sights God has given us mamas. This picture was taken August 7th, 2010. So it may not be what Angie saw to perfection, but it is close enough to give me chills and goose-bumps. Angie's adopted baby girl sits in the back with the bright blond hair and blue bow. I am so thankful for God using Angie, this weekend, and all our babies for this precious gift. May this fill your heart with true hope from our Heavenly Father. This is our "shout of joy!" Praise God!

And We're Back....

I know, I know, I know.....I said I was coming back here soon to update you on things. Well, life just has been so busy with a toddler and two older boys that my time to even check email is few and far between! Like I have said before, I don't mind this life but I do miss updating everyone on things and getting your encouragement! Here is an 11 month picture of Jeremiah....yes he will be one year old on the 15th of this month!!!!

He walked across the living room on my birthday (6/1) so he has been keeping us so busy. He is such a joy and loves his family and we all adore him.

In March, I had a great opportunity to meet up with two of my dear "Atlanta Girls" and just this last month yet another.....you may or may not remember my trip to Atlanta 4 weeks after Jacob died....I met 7 other mothers who had experienced a loss of a child that same year and we all met up at Deeper Still in Atlanta (here's a refresher: http://fahmer.blogspot.com/2008/07/ok-so-atlanta.html as well as the previous post to this one).

Pic taken with my Atlanta Girls in 2008

These Mamas have meant so much to me over the last two years...meeting up with them and seeing our miracles on earth play together makes my heart jump with praise for My Saviour who holds my Baby Boy in His arms and who He used to bring these precious people into my life!

Here are a few shots of me with my mama girls and Jeremiah with his buddies....

Kenzie & Faith Clare, Me & Jeremiah, Kim & AnnaGrace Pearl

3 precious miracles

Jeremiah with a few of his ladies...they just swarm to him :)

Jeremiah & Hope Bolte "sharing"

Welllllll....I tell you this because the 8 of us will be meeting again! This time not just us 8 mamas but us mamas AND our miracle babies since our losses!!!!!!! Yes, each of us have birthed or adopted a baby since our losses and we are all meeting. I tell you this in hopes to excite your hearts of this amazing event!!! As I prepare for this trip, I just cannot believe where we all are in two years and just the thought of laying eyes on all those mama AND all those babies just brings tears to my eyes....I cannot believe what I am going to experience. Please...please...PLEASE be in prayer for this weekend....we all come from different parts of the USA and are traveling all different methods and times. But mostly, be in prayer that God's Spirit will just overwhelm us and bring us to praise and worship the One who created us and our precious children. I am so excited and I just cannot wait to see what God has in store for this weekend! Thank you all and I WILL update you...as I am sure the others will as well!

A Story Worth Revisiting

You may have read this before, but I am amazed that it is still being used to encourage others two years after it took place. I am honored to be apart of this group of women. I am so thankful for Emily who's words give life to our weekend but mostly because without her, I would not have been part of this story. Please, take the time to read this and be a awe of God's work in our lives. Thank you.

http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/womenallaccess/2010/06/a_deeper_still_a_divine_appt_i.html

2 Years Ago

Two years ago, Jacob took his last breaths. They were short and tired, but they were life giving breaths. God then took him from his Daddy's arms into His and at that moment, Jacob knew real love. We did our best here and loved him with everything we had, but it wasn't until two years ago today that Jacob felt true undying love. He gazed upon our Saviour and His Creator and knew Truth and Love. Our tears do not understand this, our hearts long for this, but Jacob is there knowing it at this very moment.

Live it up, sweet Baby Boy. Oh, how we miss you.

Families with Loss

I received news today that Baby Ella in now in the arms of our Saviour. What a little trooper. She was able to be loved by her precious family for over 6 1/2 weeks. Please pray for their grieving hearts.

A few weeks ago, I met with a fellow sister of sorrow and she is in a mops group with a mom who was expecting a T18 baby boy. I was so blessed to have met with these moms (understatement). The other day I received news that this baby boy passed in his mama's womb. Pray for their hearts of loss.

Heavy week. Heavy hearts. Please pray. Thank you.

Therapy

Blogging was something I did daily for the 4 1/2 months of Jacob's life. The computer opened my front door every day for the world to step inside our home and visit us for a bit. After Jacob's passing, the computer was a therapy. Blogger is where so many deep down thoughts, rarely audible, became readable words. It was a form of communication that let so many who care for me (and complete strangers!) know where I am at. I am one who can (most of the time) hold herself together on the outside, yet my inside could be in shambles or even ecstatic. This is where my wall could come down and I would share...looking back, at the "brain barf" it wasn't all that great of writing but it wasn't written to be critiqued or edited. I am so thankful that I had this outlet. It may seem sad to some, that this technology be such a servant to me, but it is what it is...and it seems far from sad. This technology has opened my world of friendships and ministry and love and burdens and empathy. At times, it has helped me puzzle piece together words that form statements so precious and precise. It contains the precious story of my baby boy that is in book form for our family to enjoy for generations to come. There is rarely a day that goes by where I am not blogging in my head....I always have some piece of writing or statement I am forming in my head to share....I just lack the time to get on here and do it. I love it. I love thinking about writing. I love thinking about sharing. I love thinking about the perfect word to write that will encapsulate my thought. I fail many times....there is always my back-up word "ridiculous." There have been days where I was screaming inside and all I wanted to do was get on this thing and write and write and write and cry and write.....but life is busy. But now when I get the time, it will be different. My progression is more difficult to see because my visits are few and far between. And I have to get it out. I have to share it. So my new form: say it....out of my mouth....to those in my immediate vicinity. It has helped me speak more clearly. It has helped me communicate. I want to speak. I want to share. I want to see the faces of those who are touched by what God is doing. It builds relationships. It richens friendships. It brings people closer. It makes it all a little more real....more tangible.....sweeter....beautiful. It is tough. It doesn't have a "backspace" key in the upper right hand corner. It is a lesson in taming the tongue.

Thanks for being my therapy....thanks for listening.

I will be on soon to share some of my precious adventures of these past 3 months with you. As far as I know, Ella is doing well....no news is good news. I have met up with some of my "mama friends" and made a few new ones. Lots to share....coming soon.

Enjoyed by family

Just wanted to update you all on Ella. She was born on the 26th and left the hospital to be home with her family one week later. This is by far a dream come true...she has beat so many odds and is living a life filled with love. She has a feeding tube and is on oxygen. She is doing well and her family is just loving her like crazy. I was so blessed to receive and email from Ella's mama asking many questions about our care for Jacob and the overwhelming thought of caring for a trisomy 18 baby at home. It was such a blessing to share all that we have been through and special things we did with Jacob....that just makes my heart sing praises that my boy still touches others from heaven. PLEASE keep holding Ella's family in your heart and pray for her and them. She has 3 older siblings and is surrounded by many who love and adore her. Pray for the strength that only God can provide them. Thank you so much! Lots of love! Karen

PS~ a special update on a special trip I had will be coming soon! :)

Baby Ella

A dear mama I have been in contact with gave birth to a beautiful baby girl created for Jesus' arms sooner than we had prayed for. Baby Ella was born today, she has Trisomy 18, and her heart condition is more complicated than anticipated. She has 3 older siblings who have all been able to spend a bit of time with her. Please pray for this family as they endure something all to familiar to so many of us and mostly pray for Baby Ella. Thank you.

~The Fahmer's 2009 Highlights~

Happy 2010!!! So, it has been two years since our last Christmas letter. We had decided last year with all the writing we did here on Jacob’s blog everyone had kept up with most of our 2008…if not, the blog is still here so grab some tissues and reminisce. Well, this year, we didn’t update the blog that much, not because there wasn’t much to blog about but because we spent a great deal less time on the computer and more time together. Although it is late to be a Christmas letter, we decided to do a “Merry New Year” letter to fill in the blanks a bit, so here are some Fahmer 2009 Highlights:

We began 2009 with the news that we were expecting our fourth beautiful child. Our excitement to love again was only fueled by our loss of Jacob. As a family, we did not fear to love again, yet in the corners of our minds we dreaded the thought of loss again and this emotion threaded its way through the pregnancy. It wasn’t uncommon for the boys to ask if we would be allowed to “keep this one” or pray to “help this one live.” Their reality is different from many big brothers so this was not overly concerning….it was their normal. Our pregnancy was uneventful! (yeah!) and we fully trusted in God’s wisdom to knit together in my womb who he had the fourth Fahmer child to be. True to form, we welcomed our fourth baby boy into this world on August 15th. The delivery was ridiculously quick (got the hospital at 4:30pm and he was born at 5:05pm!), the recovery went well, and Jason’s time off was more like a family “stay”-cation than paternity leave. We did battle pneumonia as a family (minus Jeremiah) right when we brought the baby home from the hospital but this made our home very calm since visitors stayed away and we just enjoyed our new addition. Jeremiah is such a blessing and true to the meaning of his name- the Lord will uplift. Oh how God has used this sweet baby boy to uplift our family to behold life and love yet again. He is such a sweet baby and good baby. I firmly believe that there are few big brothers as in love with their siblings as Joshua and Jonathan. They love freely without expecting anything in return….oh, the solid foundation they are building as they become young men…priceless. We are just so in love and overjoyed.

Jeremiah stayed the youngest in our family for only two months as my sister Nancy birthed their first sweet baby girl, Anna, in October. I was so blessed to witness her first breath of air! What a gift to mother together as sisters! The boys have enjoyed being big cousins to a sweet baby girl.

January 14th, 2009, we celebrated Jacob’s 1st birthday together and although it proved to be a difficult day at first, it turned out to be a beautiful celebration of the day God changed our lives forever. We will celebrate every year after as a family changed by a life lived to the fullest in 138 days. Throughout the year we were given the opportunity to share Jacob’s life to encourage many families. Jason delivered a message at a church in Rochester and I was given the opportunity to speak to 80+ public school sophomores about genetic disorders. I shared Jacob’s life and story to show how life is precious regardless of diagnosis, amount of time promised, or “defects”. We were also able to put every word of the blog into book form. We now have a 300+ page book that chronicles from Jacob’s birth to Jeremiah’s….it is treasured. We are so encouraged to share his life and blessed to see his legacy continue. We hope to create a ministry website that shares all the ideas of treasuring the days spent with loved ones…but that is to come.

We visited Walt Disney World this year! My parents gifted us a week’s stay…..what a fabulous time we all had. My sister Julianne was able to make the trip for a few days and we just had a blast. The boys were big enough to ride the big roller coasters yet young enough to enjoy the activities and characters (who isn’t young enough?!?). It was an exhausting trip (one day, we visited all 4 Kingdoms!!!...it was suicide by fun!) but we look back on the trip and just think about the special moments so fondly.

Joshua and Jonathan began school at home yet again as we fully enjoy schooling together. It has proven to be such a joy for everyone as we grow closer as a family learning not only life together but academics. Joshua is 7 and in 2nd grade and Jonathan is 5 and in Kindergarten. We participate in a few homeschooling groups which allow us many great learning opportunities. Both boys enjoy sports, board games, reading and anything their dad does! This past summer they both played baseball for a town league and did great! They also learned to ride two wheelers and really enjoyed our long driveway to ride all day! We had a little garden that we all attended to…Jonathan picked out 14 different vegetables and fruits to grow! Jason had a good year at Geico. He is working a “normal” schedule of Mon-Fri which we have adjusted to. He always busies himself with projects at home and the boys have been real helpers. The three of them really worked hard together…they painted and poured concrete…real hard work that Jason couldn’t have done with out them. What a great stage of team work and work ethic building we are in.

We are excited about our 2010 as we plan on traveling to Texas and Florida but mostly excited to witness a baby discovering all the simple things we overlook….like the chill of the snow, the tickle of the grass, the quickness of ants, the splashing of puddles and the freeness of flying high in a swing.

May your 2010 be filled with treating the normal as extraordinary and appreciating the miracle of another day.

God Bless!

Love,

~The Fahmer’s ~

Jason, Karen, Joshua, Jonathan, Jeremiah, remembering Jacob Ryan

Celebrate today....

God's biggest tool in our earthly life was born 2 years ago today, Jacob Ryan. May God continue to be glorified through the legacy of his 138 days here on earth.

I can share our secret now!

So life has been so nice lately! Really....I have just been enjoying my boys here at home. We have been keeping up with school, spending time with family, and mostly playing with our adorable baby boy. Our days are filled with precious smiles, adorable giggles, sweet sleepy cries, clicks of the camera, vigorous kicking in the tub and all the makings for beautiful memories. I see fatherly features developing in my older two as they care for their treasured baby brother. These baby brothers seem to grow the older ones up much more quickly! I just love raising future husbands and fathers....to see the tenderness that develops that may someday lead a family!??!?...wow!...as far as earthly rewards go, that has a high value. And how God has used my younger two to grow the older two.....it is proof of how God made us with absolute purpose....no doubt about it. He is the One who uses us.

I have been in contact with yet another family expecting the birth of their baby girl who has T18. We have spoken and emailed and Baby E is not just surviving...she has beaten so many odds and has been healed of many complications. Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery as Baby E prepares to meet her 3 older siblings, parents, family and friends in a few weeks.

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Ok, so you want to know my secret??? This is why I haven't been on much...because I wanted to tell you all so badly but I just had to wait until after Christmas and the gifts had been given! Jason and I buckled down and finished what Jacob and I began two years ago......our Blog Book. 318 pages long, our book contains every word and picture of the blog from the beginning through just after Jeremiah's birth. It is awesome. Jacob and I worked together on the first 77 days of his life, then after he passed it sat there. We picked it back up desiring to gift others with it at Christmas. We had difficulty deciding what posts to stop but we figured it out and it is perfect. The work we put into keeping up the blog can now be enjoyed and kept in our home library. We used the program Book Smart that you can download free from Blurb, load the blog onto it, organize and edit, and then upload your book for printing. It wasn't easy but it is so cool to have in book form Jacob's every day, all of our emotions and what we had shared with you all.

Well although my posts are few and far between, I do think of things to share and this whole blogging thing has put words in my head that I never knew I could express. I hope to share more later about our celebration this coming Thursday the 14th, remembering Jacob's birth and celebrating how he gave us a clearer view of our time here on earth.

'Till then ~ Karen

Our 5 month old at 4 months

Hopes for a Ministry Blog

Howdy! I come to you all yet again for help! I have had this burden of beginning a ministry blog specific to remembering those we have lost or honoring those we know we will lose. I will be including ideas that we used to honor and remember Jacob in order to refer others to the blog so they can take what is appropriate for their situation. I have come in contact with so many families who have appreciated how we celebrate Jacob's life and many of them gleaned ideas and now have magical memories of their own. This blog will help me refer these families to the blog and they can find what is appropriate for their situation and use it when they are ready. Please be in prayer for this as I gather the ideas, relay the information and even just think of a name an appropriate name for the ministry. Please, let me know if there is anything specific that we did in celebrating Jacob that stood out to you so I can be sure to share that with others. Post a comment or email me at babyjacobryan@gmail.com. Thank you guys and I will keep you updated!

Continue Prayer

Hi all, the other night, I did get a chance to speak with the mama and we were able to just talk about things. She shared so much and blessed my heart. I was able to share some of how we dealt with things with Jacob and it was a blessed conversation for both of us.

This morning I received an email from her, and she told me her baby girl's heart beat had stopped and she was scheduled for surgery today. Please pray how you feel led. Her baby is gone and now the grieving of her death and condition is in gear. Thank you!

A Request for Prayer

Hi everyone~

Everything is going great here...really really great. We are enjoying our littlest one in a way only possible because of Jacob.

I come to you for prayer for a family I was just introduced to. A friend of my sister goes to church with a sweet couple who has received a T18 diagnosis for their little baby girl 15 weeks in her mama's womb. Her T18 conditions are severe and the couple has not been given much hope of a live birth. I am in the process of getting connected with the mother and would covet your prayers for the baby girl, for the mama and daddy, and for guidance in how Jacob can be used in their lives. I am always so thankful for the opportunity to be used, but the flip side is that there is another family with broken hearts.

All you who understand because you have walked this road of loss, please pray for this couple with specifics of what you know as only a parent of loss knows. Those who have not lost, pray with the awe of how you have no clue what it would be like to lose your child and the sheer fear of every having to experience it.

I will do my best to keep you updated if the Lord clears the way for me to be used in their lives.....but just be in prayer.

Thank you! Karen