Craziness. That describes my last week. Things have been so crazy. My nieces are in town with Jason's family and my boys just love them. So we have been spending as much time as we can with them in the morning before the big nap time crashings. My evenings at the beginning of the week were spent alone....kind of wondering what to do. Then they got busy again....so much so that I have not returned phone calls or said "thank you" to friends for gifts sent in the mail or been able catch up with my sisters. It's not the evenings that are a problem... Late into the night it is tough. I didn't sleep very consistently since January 14th.... and although right after Jacob's passing, I slept through the night from shear exhaustion, now I have a hard time going to bed. It's not that I am not sleepy....I am a sleepy person. But it's just that my routine is so drastically changed that I can't figure out a new routine. There is no longer this little person by my side keeping me so much company. I am a night person. Although sleepy, I can stay up ALL NIGHT talking. Jason CANNOT stand this about me....on the nights we go to bed together (not often because of work stuff), we lay down and cover up, he turns off the light, we kiss each other, say good night and then it happens....everything just starts pouring out of my mouth like a spontaneous volcano eruption (slight exaggeration). It has always been like this....neither of us can get used to the others desires....I want a "girl-talk" time where he pops up out of bed, turns on the light, sits up cross legged and stares at me clinging to my every word ready to join in the conversation and he just wants to go to sleep after the end of a long day and wants me to talk to him at a reasonable hour like the rest of the world. Now, Jacob took a lot out of me but he was my late night "girl-talk" buddy...it was like sleepovers every night! He kept me busy and he told me about his life, I told him about mine.. stories of when I was younger and how I met his Daddy, stories about his brothers....girl-talk. Four and a half months of sleepovers and now, party is over. What do I do now? I DON'T KNOW?!!? I wonder. I have to find something else. The past few nights, I went through Jacob's things and organized his box of things and put things in baggies and folded his laundry and condensed cards and went through unneeded papers.....not quite as great as holding a 5+ pound baby boy on your chest, patting his butt, rubbing his soft hair with your cheek, playing with his beautiful long fingers and telling him stories and listening to his every concern. Solution to the problem?....Nothing. It just is. It's an adjustment. Most things have been going well and I have been doing ok with them....this is tough and there really is no solution...and that is ok because it makes me rely on God as my Comfort. There is no replacement. Jason, my partner united with me through God, is not a replacement and it is not fair to expect him to be one. Here is this ridiculously lonely time in my day that is in need of being filled and who better to fill it than the Creator of Time?!?!?
Next random topic...
Today I went to a wedding shower for some friends of mine from high school. I did not know very many people there but I did end up meeting up with a few girls I knew from high school and met new people. As I was in conversation with one of the new girls, she asked me what I do for a living. I told her I was a mother of 3 boys and began stumbling over my words to try and explain that I have 3 boys- 2 here, one passed- and then it hit me that I had no idea where I wanted to go with the conversation.....she didn't need a detailed overview of the past 6 months of my life but then again, I couldn't just glaze over it either.....so I just blurted out that this was my first time having to try and give an overview of my life since all that has happened. Yet another situation you just cannot prepare for. The one girl I knew from high school knew about my circumstances and very kindly told me that I was doing great...that calmed my feeling of sounding ridiculous... ..she was always a sweet girl.
NEXT!
Forgiveness. Satan sucks. He will do whatever he can to get his filthy mitts on us. Right after we found out about Jacob's terminal condition, both Jason and I recalled a conversation we had with some friends....they were recalling a family who stated that after the loss of their child, they had to forgive people in advance for saying the things they were going to say....there just are people who say things and have no clue how ridiculous it sounds to someone who has just lost a loved one. So Jason and I agreed that we would do the same....we would forgive in advance for the statements that were to come. So where is Satan attacking? Right in this category! But it is very wide spread. On one end, I have statements that were said that I rebuttal in my head and on the other end I have people I haven't heard from and feel as though I should have.....polar opposites and emotionally driven (very unstable). I am not an easily offended person...normally, I am not sensitive to such statements (I usually am the one having to bite my tongue or sticking my foot in my mouth!)....so why is this all of a sudden a sore spot???? Because I made a commitment to be Christ-like and forgive before the offenses were committed.....Satan observed and is now poking at me and trying to get me to take Jacob's beautiful, God-glorifying life and turn it into something that harbors bitterness. I see Satan.....and I will fight with the Holy Spirit that resides in me! He will not destroy my spirit or my testimony and ruin the beauty of Jacob Ryan Fahmer's meaningful life. Please pray specifically in this area for me.
Disclaimer: If you know me and/or are around me and see me frequently, PLEASE do not take my blogging statements and feel you have to walk on egg shells around me or apologize for anything! The very last thing I need is a bunch of people faking in my presence or needing to be comforted because they feel bad.....I am sharing my struggles.....do not feel you can protect me from them by watching what you say or do in my presence. I have to learn. Please allow me to learn and persevere over my struggles....just love me the best you can and do not fear my reactions. Ok? Thanks!
P.S.~ I still smell like maple syrup!....it's been 3 weeks!
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
More Fanmail - yeah!
Megan writes, "Well, I finally found time to send you some pictures of us being loyal Jacob fans! Here are Finn & Ella being proud supporters! This was not an easy feat trying to get them to stay still AND not fall off the Lounge chair! There is also a picture of me b/c I had to get in there and stop the craziness!I hope you got my card. I don't know what else to say except that you are both exceptionally strong people and I truly believe God only gives you what you can handle. I think we all know He works in strange ways and is very hard to understand sometimes, but He is always there for us. I am glad you are still blogging, if not for you, but for us too. I know I logged on everyday to get my daily Jacob fix. I miss that tremendously. I know your other 1200 a day visitors miss that too! So, go on as long as you can. Like you said the brain barf is gonna take a long time to all come out! I commend you for how honest you are and my heart breaks for you daily. I haven't had a dry eye either in a while. From one mother to another, I am sending you a big hug."
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
More Q & A
Q: Why were the balloons you released at the Celebration of Life service black, white and yellow?
A: Jacob loved black and white....he would lay under his boppy that had a zebra print arch over it and just stare for long amounts of time. He loved the contrast of black and white or light and dark. Jonathan always said that "yellow is Jacob's favorite color" so there you have yellow, black and white.
Q: Why did you name him Jacob?
A: I didn't. Joshua did. We had been told for a few weeks that he was a girl. So we had "her" name picked out. Turns out we just had a lazy tech who couldn't be bothered with silly things like reproductive organs! On October 3rd, I not only found out about Jacob's heart condition but we also found out he was a boy...different tech. That night, I told the boys we needed a name for our little man and Joshua just blurted out, "I want to call him Jacob." so we did. It is funny because Joshua's name was almost Jacob.
Q: What are we going to do with Jacob's remains?
A: First thing we are going to do is get them in the same urn!....when he was cremated, the boys had some things they wanted with him and the ashes left were too many for the urn they had offered so they put his remains in 2. The funeral home didn't have the next size so Saturday we are doing catalog shopping for an appropriate size urn....I bet that's not on your "to-do"list. Then what are we going to do with them? Keep them here with us right now. We had his body cremated because I just couldn't stand the thought of his sweet tiny body being alone, in the ground, cold and yucky.....I just have this sad picture in my mind of him in the ground and it just would drive me crazy to have him there and not be able to rub his fuzzy hair, touch his perfect nose, hold his beautiful hand or touch his "pea-pod perfect" toes. And the thought of us moving and leaving him here just didn't settle well with me either. Both options suck....bury or burn. I know it is just his body but I just couldn't commit to anything. So, we decided to cremate and keep the remains here with us until we can figure out what to do. A few thoughts are for them to be buried when another member of the family passes or add his remains to the cremated remains of Jason or me. We are just not there yet. Lovely subject.
Q: Karen, are you going to get a tattoo too?
A: Probably. I just have a lot of ideas....I don't want to come out of the tattoo parlor with no natural skin left. I want his footprint somewhere that others will see it and ask.....Jacob drew people to himself and they just asked. But Jason said I can't do it on my forehead j/k. A dear new friend of mine has her baby girl's foot print tattooed on top of her foot.....I really like that....My friend would have to give me permission to steal her marvelous idea. I also have tossed around "138 days" "Psalm 27:14" and "sunshines" since I sang "You are my sunshine" to him and my other boys....maybe later for that....right now it's about Jacob. We shall see. It's tough deciding what you want on your body for life....Jacob has already given me a scar I am honored to wear on my tummy but I want something for others to see and ask....not many will see that tummy scar....believe me, it's for your own safety. I'll let you know if I do get something.
A: Jacob loved black and white....he would lay under his boppy that had a zebra print arch over it and just stare for long amounts of time. He loved the contrast of black and white or light and dark. Jonathan always said that "yellow is Jacob's favorite color" so there you have yellow, black and white.
Q: Why did you name him Jacob?
A: I didn't. Joshua did. We had been told for a few weeks that he was a girl. So we had "her" name picked out. Turns out we just had a lazy tech who couldn't be bothered with silly things like reproductive organs! On October 3rd, I not only found out about Jacob's heart condition but we also found out he was a boy...different tech. That night, I told the boys we needed a name for our little man and Joshua just blurted out, "I want to call him Jacob." so we did. It is funny because Joshua's name was almost Jacob.
Q: What are we going to do with Jacob's remains?
A: First thing we are going to do is get them in the same urn!....when he was cremated, the boys had some things they wanted with him and the ashes left were too many for the urn they had offered so they put his remains in 2. The funeral home didn't have the next size so Saturday we are doing catalog shopping for an appropriate size urn....I bet that's not on your "to-do"list. Then what are we going to do with them? Keep them here with us right now. We had his body cremated because I just couldn't stand the thought of his sweet tiny body being alone, in the ground, cold and yucky.....I just have this sad picture in my mind of him in the ground and it just would drive me crazy to have him there and not be able to rub his fuzzy hair, touch his perfect nose, hold his beautiful hand or touch his "pea-pod perfect" toes. And the thought of us moving and leaving him here just didn't settle well with me either. Both options suck....bury or burn. I know it is just his body but I just couldn't commit to anything. So, we decided to cremate and keep the remains here with us until we can figure out what to do. A few thoughts are for them to be buried when another member of the family passes or add his remains to the cremated remains of Jason or me. We are just not there yet. Lovely subject.
Q: Karen, are you going to get a tattoo too?
A: Probably. I just have a lot of ideas....I don't want to come out of the tattoo parlor with no natural skin left. I want his footprint somewhere that others will see it and ask.....Jacob drew people to himself and they just asked. But Jason said I can't do it on my forehead j/k. A dear new friend of mine has her baby girl's foot print tattooed on top of her foot.....I really like that....My friend would have to give me permission to steal her marvelous idea. I also have tossed around "138 days" "Psalm 27:14" and "sunshines" since I sang "You are my sunshine" to him and my other boys....maybe later for that....right now it's about Jacob. We shall see. It's tough deciding what you want on your body for life....Jacob has already given me a scar I am honored to wear on my tummy but I want something for others to see and ask....not many will see that tummy scar....believe me, it's for your own safety. I'll let you know if I do get something.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Lots More Brain Barf....this is gunna take a while....it's more like a flu!
Hi there.....it's Karen (I have to say that because I do not have my own identity on this blogger thing....it's either "Fahmer" or "Baby Jacob" so I go under "Fahmer" since Jacob was the only one who knew his password to blog!)
One thing I fear, is that people will take what they feel a grieving mother should be doing or saying and analyze my life to fit this cookie cutter feeling they have. A grieving mother should be on meds, could be starving herself, could be sleeping all the time, could be depressed, could be withdrawn from the world, could be in deep depressing thought all the time, etc. Now, many of you will read this list and say that I am exaggerating but many have this thought what my actions are an indication of. I have heard many of them, although subtle and just out of concern.....I do not have to explain my every action but just to show you how crazy things can get, allow me to rebuttal some of these concerns that have been very subtly expressed......I have always been a sleepy person, I can sleep at a drop of a dime anywhere anytime....I ALWAYS have been able to (if you know me at all, you know this about me)....so the fact that I sleep in is just because I can; the fact that I take a nap is just because I can; I sit still, I fall asleep....even if it right after sleeping for 12 hours!...I love to sleep! I have two active boys and a busy husband who have so many things under control since I spent the last 4 1/2 months taking care of a baby and now that my baby job is over, they still have everything under control and that means I see more opportunity to sleep. Anyone would sleep more after being up for 4 1/2 months! Weight loss....You could turn this into the next article on the front page of the paper OR you can take into consideration the fact that I sat on my butt with a baby in my arms for 4 1/2 months blogging?!?! Now that I am up and going and I no longer have gallons of milk hanging from my chest, I look a bit thinner than I did 2 weeks ago. So, all the stereotypes and such.......THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW! Can these things become a sin in my life and become a stumbling block....sure...Satan is at work. But I just want to point out that not everything that is happening is an indication that I am dealing with things in an adverse way. I know it is love and support that is coming from people who do not live with me..... just take note. Ok, end of note :)
Today was a crazy weather day. I know not everything in life is a representation or parallel to real life but today, it seemed as though the weather paralleled life. It was a stormy rainy night and then a beautiful morning. Then it stormed again. Then the sun was out. Then the sun was out but it was raining without a cloud in the sky. Then it thundered and rained like crazy. Then the sun beamed. Then it stormed and hailed for like 10 minutes. Then there was a beautiful sunset. Then it was night and stormed more. Life. Sunshine, storms, rain, unexpected hail, all jammed into one day just a few moments for each expression.
"It was a stormy rainy night and then a beautiful morning": long trials that you don't understand until you are through them and you can see the Son shine after.
"Then it stormed again": you've been through it before so you strap on your helmet and learn what you need to knowing God is faithful.
"Then the sun was out": mission accomplished. Lesson learned.
"Then the sun was out but it was raining without a cloud in the sky": although things are ok in life, you are hit with these thoughts and fears in your mind. Satan's attacks.
"Then it thundered and rained like crazy": it's real. It actually happened to you....what could have never happened to you, is actually happening.
"Then the sun beamed": you embrace it and actually enjoy it and wouldn't change it.
"Then it stormed and hailed for like 10 minutes": something so rare, that usually only lasts moments, lasted for longer than anyone predicted.
"Then there was a beautiful sunset": gracefully and beautifully, the Son shines through and shows His magnificence.
"Then it was night and stormed more": you are left with empty arms knowing the Son is there all along, it is just you that is not seeing Him on the other side of the earth.
Life.
Just some thoughts.
In the midst of the crazy weather, both Joshua & Jonathan had beautiful thoughts of their Baby Brother with Jesus. Yesterday, as the gray clouds covered the sky, Joshua said it was like Jacob and Jesus were shadowing us with their hands and he said he saw a really big hand and Jacob's little hand. Today, during all the storms Jonathan said, "Will Jesus and Jacob play bowling forever?"....bowling being the thunder cracking. I love that they think of Jacob up in heaven well and active and enjoying life along side the Savior of the World. They are not sad for their Baby Brother. I love that they can talk about him and verbalize their thoughts of him. They miss him, but they do not weep for him.
So the past few days have been crazy. I have lots on my mind (you couldn't tell could ya?). Saturday was 2 weeks since Jacob's passing AND it was the 14th, his 5 month birthday. Could I find a reason to be sad everyday? Yep. But I don't want to be that way....it just was a hard day. I missed him so much. I sniffed his little outfit that still has his smell on it, I looked over the blog and tried to enjoy "his" writings. I missed him. All these days before had such little significance before Jacob:
Mondays were just the beginning of a busy week; now they remind me of birthdays.
Saturdays were a day of hanging out as a family; now they mark a day of passing.
The 14th was just the 14th (except for September which is Joshua's birthday); now it is a monthly milestone marker.
Jacob has changed the way I think about every day. I pray for the Summons family more specifically on the 14ths because their baby girl not only was born that day (the very same day as Jacob), but she died that very same day. Thank you Jacob, for making me more aware of the needs of other families and allowing me to see that everyday has it's own significance.
Sunday was Father's Day. I was at a loss. I stink at these hallmark holidays anyways, but now, how in the world do you tell a Daddy of 3 boys "Happy Father's day" when there are only 2 boys there to give him hugs and kisses and cards and breakfast in bed?!??! I tried hard but, man was it tough. I am so glad he went and got that tattoo a few days before....it was something new and exciting and all that it stands for.....it helped.
After a family member passes, there are some random things to get used to that you don't think about preparing yourself for....signing cards from your family or taking a "family" photo. What a sad reminder of a loss. Here I am trying to sign a card from our family and everything in me wants to have Jacob's name at the end but who signs cards with dead people's names?!?!?! And family pictures?!?!? There will never again be a complete picture of our family. The suggestion of it makes me scream inside....what can I put in the picture to symbolize that missing family member.
So, to the many who ask "How are you doing?" Well, I have no idea. I am doing well. Processing. Readjusting. Believing God's plan is so big for Jacob and I am just trying to be used by God in the biggest way possible. I refuse to let Jacob's death lead people to believe it had a adverse effect on anyone. It was a beautiful life and now I need to find my niche of communicating his life to others. I know it is about God and his goodness and His Son Jesus Christ. It's just that Jacob made God so much easier to talk about. When I had Jacob with me, everywhere I went, everyone would come to me and ask questions ....he radiated God's love and people would see this different beautiful baby and I could share with them the amazing goodness of the Lord. Now, I no longer carry the physical "amazing tool of God" in my arms. I have to find a way to radiate God's love so that others come up to me and ask questions about what is different about my life that they see beaming from my empty arms. I want to share. I want to tell his story. I want others to believe and be saved. I want Jacob's life to impact eternity. I want to be a tool. I will find it. I am changed and I will show it....in time.
I am soooooo encouraged to read some of the comments of how our story has changed people's lives. There are some comments that you all have not been able to read because the commenter asked for us to keep it private. Reason for this is because of some of the personal content they did not want the world to see. We have respected their wishes but I would like to share the themes as they come up so that it may be of encouragement to you as well. A mother commented about how she aborted her trisomy 18 baby a while back and recently found herself online searching trisomy 18. She came across our blog and after reading about Jacob and seeing his full life, she saw the life that was ended in her womb. Although saddened, this woman was humbled enough to change her way of thinking. It will not bring back that baby but it may save others. How can that not be an encouragement. What is done, is done. Now go and sin no more. Wow. Thank you Lord for using Jacob. You allowed me to carry him, birth him, love him and share him to change the world. Thank you. It is stories like these that just reinforce my thoughts of how perfect Jacob was made.....he was made perfectly to reach others who could relate in some way. There were no mistakes and there is nothing about that Baby Boy I would change.....because if I did, his impact would be less than what God has planned.
Next thought: I am going to Atlanta with now 7 other moms who have lost babies. I don't know how many times I've said it, but it has come out of my mouth a ton of times, "I have no idea what I would say to me" meaning that I have no idea what I would say to a mom who's baby just passed away. Now, I am headed to Atlanta to face 7 of them! I am soooo looking forward to it, but I feel so out of it. They have all been part of this whole blogger thing way before me and it seems they know more about each other and even me than I do them.....it is silly thinking, but it's thinking.
All these thoughts, no solutions....and that is ok. When I think, I "brain barf" as explained before and I do not expect solutions...I just vent....Jason is a problem solver and he is at work so he has no idea I am posting this jumbled mess!!!...there is no denying that this is a jumbled mess so all you bloggers who always comment that "it's not a mess" and "it made sense".....THERE IS NO WAY you're commenting that this time!
Thanks for being there and "holding my hair back."
One thing I fear, is that people will take what they feel a grieving mother should be doing or saying and analyze my life to fit this cookie cutter feeling they have. A grieving mother should be on meds, could be starving herself, could be sleeping all the time, could be depressed, could be withdrawn from the world, could be in deep depressing thought all the time, etc. Now, many of you will read this list and say that I am exaggerating but many have this thought what my actions are an indication of. I have heard many of them, although subtle and just out of concern.....I do not have to explain my every action but just to show you how crazy things can get, allow me to rebuttal some of these concerns that have been very subtly expressed......I have always been a sleepy person, I can sleep at a drop of a dime anywhere anytime....I ALWAYS have been able to (if you know me at all, you know this about me)....so the fact that I sleep in is just because I can; the fact that I take a nap is just because I can; I sit still, I fall asleep....even if it right after sleeping for 12 hours!...I love to sleep! I have two active boys and a busy husband who have so many things under control since I spent the last 4 1/2 months taking care of a baby and now that my baby job is over, they still have everything under control and that means I see more opportunity to sleep. Anyone would sleep more after being up for 4 1/2 months! Weight loss....You could turn this into the next article on the front page of the paper OR you can take into consideration the fact that I sat on my butt with a baby in my arms for 4 1/2 months blogging?!?! Now that I am up and going and I no longer have gallons of milk hanging from my chest, I look a bit thinner than I did 2 weeks ago. So, all the stereotypes and such.......THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW! Can these things become a sin in my life and become a stumbling block....sure...Satan is at work. But I just want to point out that not everything that is happening is an indication that I am dealing with things in an adverse way. I know it is love and support that is coming from people who do not live with me..... just take note. Ok, end of note :)
Today was a crazy weather day. I know not everything in life is a representation or parallel to real life but today, it seemed as though the weather paralleled life. It was a stormy rainy night and then a beautiful morning. Then it stormed again. Then the sun was out. Then the sun was out but it was raining without a cloud in the sky. Then it thundered and rained like crazy. Then the sun beamed. Then it stormed and hailed for like 10 minutes. Then there was a beautiful sunset. Then it was night and stormed more. Life. Sunshine, storms, rain, unexpected hail, all jammed into one day just a few moments for each expression.
"It was a stormy rainy night and then a beautiful morning": long trials that you don't understand until you are through them and you can see the Son shine after.
"Then it stormed again": you've been through it before so you strap on your helmet and learn what you need to knowing God is faithful.
"Then the sun was out": mission accomplished. Lesson learned.
"Then the sun was out but it was raining without a cloud in the sky": although things are ok in life, you are hit with these thoughts and fears in your mind. Satan's attacks.
"Then it thundered and rained like crazy": it's real. It actually happened to you....what could have never happened to you, is actually happening.
"Then the sun beamed": you embrace it and actually enjoy it and wouldn't change it.
"Then it stormed and hailed for like 10 minutes": something so rare, that usually only lasts moments, lasted for longer than anyone predicted.
"Then there was a beautiful sunset": gracefully and beautifully, the Son shines through and shows His magnificence.
"Then it was night and stormed more": you are left with empty arms knowing the Son is there all along, it is just you that is not seeing Him on the other side of the earth.
Life.
Just some thoughts.
In the midst of the crazy weather, both Joshua & Jonathan had beautiful thoughts of their Baby Brother with Jesus. Yesterday, as the gray clouds covered the sky, Joshua said it was like Jacob and Jesus were shadowing us with their hands and he said he saw a really big hand and Jacob's little hand. Today, during all the storms Jonathan said, "Will Jesus and Jacob play bowling forever?"....bowling being the thunder cracking. I love that they think of Jacob up in heaven well and active and enjoying life along side the Savior of the World. They are not sad for their Baby Brother. I love that they can talk about him and verbalize their thoughts of him. They miss him, but they do not weep for him.
So the past few days have been crazy. I have lots on my mind (you couldn't tell could ya?). Saturday was 2 weeks since Jacob's passing AND it was the 14th, his 5 month birthday. Could I find a reason to be sad everyday? Yep. But I don't want to be that way....it just was a hard day. I missed him so much. I sniffed his little outfit that still has his smell on it, I looked over the blog and tried to enjoy "his" writings. I missed him. All these days before had such little significance before Jacob:
Mondays were just the beginning of a busy week; now they remind me of birthdays.
Saturdays were a day of hanging out as a family; now they mark a day of passing.
The 14th was just the 14th (except for September which is Joshua's birthday); now it is a monthly milestone marker.
Jacob has changed the way I think about every day. I pray for the Summons family more specifically on the 14ths because their baby girl not only was born that day (the very same day as Jacob), but she died that very same day. Thank you Jacob, for making me more aware of the needs of other families and allowing me to see that everyday has it's own significance.
Sunday was Father's Day. I was at a loss. I stink at these hallmark holidays anyways, but now, how in the world do you tell a Daddy of 3 boys "Happy Father's day" when there are only 2 boys there to give him hugs and kisses and cards and breakfast in bed?!??! I tried hard but, man was it tough. I am so glad he went and got that tattoo a few days before....it was something new and exciting and all that it stands for.....it helped.
After a family member passes, there are some random things to get used to that you don't think about preparing yourself for....signing cards from your family or taking a "family" photo. What a sad reminder of a loss. Here I am trying to sign a card from our family and everything in me wants to have Jacob's name at the end but who signs cards with dead people's names?!?!?! And family pictures?!?!? There will never again be a complete picture of our family. The suggestion of it makes me scream inside....what can I put in the picture to symbolize that missing family member.
So, to the many who ask "How are you doing?" Well, I have no idea. I am doing well. Processing. Readjusting. Believing God's plan is so big for Jacob and I am just trying to be used by God in the biggest way possible. I refuse to let Jacob's death lead people to believe it had a adverse effect on anyone. It was a beautiful life and now I need to find my niche of communicating his life to others. I know it is about God and his goodness and His Son Jesus Christ. It's just that Jacob made God so much easier to talk about. When I had Jacob with me, everywhere I went, everyone would come to me and ask questions ....he radiated God's love and people would see this different beautiful baby and I could share with them the amazing goodness of the Lord. Now, I no longer carry the physical "amazing tool of God" in my arms. I have to find a way to radiate God's love so that others come up to me and ask questions about what is different about my life that they see beaming from my empty arms. I want to share. I want to tell his story. I want others to believe and be saved. I want Jacob's life to impact eternity. I want to be a tool. I will find it. I am changed and I will show it....in time.
I am soooooo encouraged to read some of the comments of how our story has changed people's lives. There are some comments that you all have not been able to read because the commenter asked for us to keep it private. Reason for this is because of some of the personal content they did not want the world to see. We have respected their wishes but I would like to share the themes as they come up so that it may be of encouragement to you as well. A mother commented about how she aborted her trisomy 18 baby a while back and recently found herself online searching trisomy 18. She came across our blog and after reading about Jacob and seeing his full life, she saw the life that was ended in her womb. Although saddened, this woman was humbled enough to change her way of thinking. It will not bring back that baby but it may save others. How can that not be an encouragement. What is done, is done. Now go and sin no more. Wow. Thank you Lord for using Jacob. You allowed me to carry him, birth him, love him and share him to change the world. Thank you. It is stories like these that just reinforce my thoughts of how perfect Jacob was made.....he was made perfectly to reach others who could relate in some way. There were no mistakes and there is nothing about that Baby Boy I would change.....because if I did, his impact would be less than what God has planned.
Next thought: I am going to Atlanta with now 7 other moms who have lost babies. I don't know how many times I've said it, but it has come out of my mouth a ton of times, "I have no idea what I would say to me" meaning that I have no idea what I would say to a mom who's baby just passed away. Now, I am headed to Atlanta to face 7 of them! I am soooo looking forward to it, but I feel so out of it. They have all been part of this whole blogger thing way before me and it seems they know more about each other and even me than I do them.....it is silly thinking, but it's thinking.
All these thoughts, no solutions....and that is ok. When I think, I "brain barf" as explained before and I do not expect solutions...I just vent....Jason is a problem solver and he is at work so he has no idea I am posting this jumbled mess!!!...there is no denying that this is a jumbled mess so all you bloggers who always comment that "it's not a mess" and "it made sense".....THERE IS NO WAY you're commenting that this time!
Thanks for being there and "holding my hair back."
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Jacob Memorial Tattoo
So I went and got a tattoo last night to remember Jacob by. A buddy of mine's soon-to-be brother in law owns a very upscale cool tattoo place called ArtNBody. When my friend explained the situation to him he got us right in and did an excellent job and took good care of me. The tattoo is located right below my left wrist.
What is it?
It's biblical Hebrew and it says (reading from right to left) "ya`aqob beni" or "Jacob, my son." I wanted something permanent that will always remind me of him and will spark conversations with other people about him and what God has done through him.
Why the wrist? Why in Hebrew?
First off, the Hebrew just plain looks kewl! Of course it's also the language that most of the Old Testament was written in. Jacob was named after Jacob son of Isaac from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament so it seems only fitting.
Isaiah 49:13-16 (TLB) says "Sing for joy, O heavens; shout, O earth. Break forth with song, O mountains, for the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion upon them in their sorrow. Yet they say, 'My Lord deserted us; he has forgotten us.' 'Never! Can a mother forget her little child and not have love for her own son? Yet even if that should be, I will not forget you. See, I have tattooed your name upon my palm, and ever before me is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins. Soon your rebuilders shall come and chase away all those destroying you."
In these verses Isaiah is recording a dialogue between Israel and God. The people in Jerusalem felt as if God had forgotten them and their city. But God replied that He certainly had not forgotten Israel. He could not possibly do so because He is like a mother to the nation. Furthermore, the nation was inscribed, as it were, on His palms. Therefore whenever He, figuratively speaking, lifts up His hands He sees the nation’s name which reminds Him of her. Interesting isn't that God says that His people are inscribed on His palms? The imagery is clear to those of us who know that Christ hung on the cross by His palms (which history tells us that the wrist was considered part of the palm in Jewish thought and that the Romans hung people on the cross below the wrist bone to avoid the body ripping free from the cross - not to mention that it was prophesied that not a bone of Christ's body would be broken). Isaiah foreshadowed the crucifixion 700 years before Christ! Are we not inscribed on the palms of Christ? He will never forget us, leave us or forsake us. I don't want to forget Jacob. Everyday I will be reminded of him and of the love that God showered on our family through him. Already the boys are interested in it and will continue to remember their brother through this writing on my wrist. Joshua ran in and woke me up this morning and said, "Come on Dad! Wake up! Let me see your tattoo!"
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Yes, we're still accepting FANMAIL!
Sorry for the delay in posting them... but we're still looking forward to seeing y'all in your fanclub gear! The VW's write:
Dear Fahmer Family, There is a street near our house by the name of Jacob. Every time I drive by it, I think of your precious Jacob and probably always will. I just wanted to share some thoughts I’ve had about Jacob, his life and your family.
Dear Fahmer Family, There is a street near our house by the name of Jacob. Every time I drive by it, I think of your precious Jacob and probably always will. I just wanted to share some thoughts I’ve had about Jacob, his life and your family. Jacob’s Road
We all have a road to travel throughout our life. None of us know what direction our road will follow, but God does. God has a plan and a purpose for all of us. Some of our roads are smooth. Some of them filled with uncertainty. Some are destined for something so great that we can’t even understand the reason the road turns the way it does. But, God knows! God had a very important purpose in mind and ordained for a very special family to carry it through for Him. He knew that He would be sending a precious baby boy, that would be named Jacob. He chose a wonderful family to care for him on earth. God knew this family would be listening to Him and knew that they would look to Him for guidance in all that they would go through with Jacob. God knew this family would endure extreme heartache, but He also knew they would rely on Him to sustain and that they would fulfill His purpose. Jacob’s road may have been filled with many speed bumps along the way but, more importantly, it was filled with love! God’s love was shown in every mile that Jacob and his family took together. Jacob’s road may have been one short in length, but one tremendously long in the lessons learned. God had an amazing purpose in Jacob and it was fulfilled! Thank you Lord for Jacob and for leading so many on his path! Thank you Lord for his family and the testimony they have provided! May they know the blessing they have been by sharing Jacob’s life and lessons. May You grant them peace, hope, strength and comfort as they continue their road and may their path always be lit by You! I’ve added a couple of pictures of Gavin and I proudly wearing our Jacob fan club shirts and a picture of the street sign with Jacob’s name on it. May God bless your wonderful family! You are, and will continue to be, in our thoughts and prayers! 
Some have also inquired about whether or not fanclub gear was still available because they were saving up to buy something cool. We'll keep it available as long as the site will allow us to! I'll try and add a link on the sidebar for easier access!
I'm Goin!
Hello there everyone....it's not like me to comment again so soon but I wanted to update you all on the Deeper Still Conference....so no one else buys the ticket (2 already have!)
I happen to be a Princess of our Heavenly Father (The One True King) and although it seemed as though My Father said "no", I have 6 other princess friends who stamped their feet and pouted to God for me and He sent one of them to me this morning to tell me I could go! I received phone calls and emails about ways to get tickets. One of the moms is taking care of getting the ticket so I booked my flight to Atlanta and I am on my way.
A total of 7 moms.....representing 8 babies.....although my stomach turns that I have this in common with these ladies, I am encouraged in so many different ways.
Because we found out about Jacob after he was born, I haven't had much time to read up on these babies, until now....I knew of them and read posts here an there but never dove into their lives....because they all made themselves known to me through Jacob's' blog and I visited briefly to become mildly familiar with them. But they all know me...they know everything about the last 5 months! And I am excited to learn more about them and where they are now. I am the newest member to this stinky club and I have lots to learn and there will be a pool full of wisdom to draw from. I am exited. Thank you ladies!
Karen
I happen to be a Princess of our Heavenly Father (The One True King) and although it seemed as though My Father said "no", I have 6 other princess friends who stamped their feet and pouted to God for me and He sent one of them to me this morning to tell me I could go! I received phone calls and emails about ways to get tickets. One of the moms is taking care of getting the ticket so I booked my flight to Atlanta and I am on my way.
A total of 7 moms.....representing 8 babies.....although my stomach turns that I have this in common with these ladies, I am encouraged in so many different ways.
Because we found out about Jacob after he was born, I haven't had much time to read up on these babies, until now....I knew of them and read posts here an there but never dove into their lives....because they all made themselves known to me through Jacob's' blog and I visited briefly to become mildly familiar with them. But they all know me...they know everything about the last 5 months! And I am excited to learn more about them and where they are now. I am the newest member to this stinky club and I have lots to learn and there will be a pool full of wisdom to draw from. I am exited. Thank you ladies!
Karen
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
10 days have passed...
Hi everyone...it's Karen.....I was surprised to see we still have 1200+ visitors a day!...you haven't left us!....thanks.
It is kind of weird having you all not know what goes on every day in our home....I miss trying to think from a 4-month-old's perspective.....Jacob sure was funny.....me, not so much.
Last week was preparing for the service Thursday....getting things printed, organized and together.....it was beautiful but lots of work (THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!). Friday, Jason and the boys hung out with Jason's family and I went out with some friends who drove in from Delaware and then hung out with my family. Saturday, I went to my cousin's baby shower and then my sister Juli (from FL) came back to my house to visit for a bit before having to leave town. Sunday, we made an attempt for church. We drove there, had some issues with Jonathan and finally got him into his class. Joshua went into his class and the first thing out of one of the other kid's mouth was "I heard your baby brother died." The teachers were chatting and didn't field it for him....it seemed so loud to me and just rang through my ears....I hurt for Joshua but he just trudged through and ignored it. Then as we were on our way to our class, we were stopped at least seven times.....nothing bad, just questions like "How are you doing?" and statements attempting to be encouraging.......our church has been amazing and I do not make these statements to make it sound as though they are at fault.....it was just the first place we have all been as a family while dealing with this all....it could have been any other crowd. It is us, the sensitive and hurting, that magnify everything. I've always said "I don't know what I would say to a mother who just lost her child" so I understand that people don't know what to say and want to support us in some way. But, I was tired. We never did make it to class. I broke in the hall and pleaded with Jason to take me home. He asked if I was sure and I was and he went and got the kids, I canceled our plans for the day an we headed home. I needed to be home with my family....something I hadn't done in a while without craziness. For the next few days, we just hung out as a family, swam in the pool and enjoyed being a family.
So, it's been 10 days since Jacob passed. We've had our ups and downs just as life normally goes but it seems as if there is this super sensitive button....my Jacob button. This button is always triggered....sometimes it is as if someone just bumped it a little bit and then other times it is as if someone smashed their fist on it.....regardless, it is always triggered, tugging on my heart. I have realized that many people's advice to us is that "it gets easier". I am not really sure what this means. My son is gone....there is nothing easy about it. This is hard and there is nothing that is easy about it.....and although time passes, my arms are empty and that is not easy. Monday birthday parties are no more....that is not easy. My nights are no longer on the couch with a snoring 6 pound baby boy.... that is not easy. I sleep at night only to be awakened by my own dreaming of holding my baby boy.....that is not easy. My nursery closet is no longer full of needed feeding tubes, syringes and formula....that is not easy. I have dirty laundry in a basket that after being washed, will never be dirty again....that is not easy. What will get easier? I am a mother of three beautiful children with only two to hold......I do not wish those two away, oh, but how I long to hold all three.....that is not easy. Jacob Ryan was God's tool and has changed me forever.....I don't want it to get easier. I want to learn what God has for me in this season.....so I don't have to repeat any classes. I am changed. As a mother, I hug longer. I stare longer. I spend more time listening. Jacob has given his brothers a better mother.
The struggle for me right now....not to be run by fear. I went to the grocery store today by myself. I haven't been much of anywhere by myself since I drove away from my house 10 days ago leaving behind my 4 boys....I didn't realize the fear that I had inside me. It sucks. That is not me. I am not a fearful person. It is crazy what Satan will play on. He saw me drive away 10 days ago and he saw how I came home to only 3 of my 4 boys.....he seized the moment, contemplated his attack for 10 days and hit me hard as I drove to the store today. He hates the fact that there are people who are brought closer to Christ because of God's Hand in our family. Satan is looking to tear me down though and I am so thankful for the "God View" that God has given me to spot Satan's ploys. Satan wants me to become a hermit unable to reach others and live a beautiful testimony of God's Unfailing Love.....he wants me to fail in the truth that my strength comes from Above. Man, he is good at what he does. But My God, the One who has given me the strength to praise His name through the worst storm, Who now holds my baby boy in His arms, is better at what He does and He will prevail.
I was invited to join 6 other blogger moms who have lost their babies. They are going to the Deeper Still ladies conference in Georgia. As soon as I was invited I was excited about the opportunity not only to be fed the Word by these amazing speakers but also to be hugged by these other mom's who know way too well what I am going through....it just would be so healing. I looked up the tickets.....Sold Out. Did Satan win this battle?...God is in control and those ladies are going to have such a blessed time and God will be glorified.....so no Satan is a big loser even though I will not be there.
Wow...and I thought I talked in circles before things went all crazy on me....So, I am not sure where I am going with any of this.....that is why I always hesitate to write....I am just brain barfing....(you like that mind picture, don't cha)
Do I wish I could go to Atlanta?....YES! Do I understand God's timing?....not all the time but I will obey...there are times as parents we say "no" and our children do not understand why....that's just how it is. Do I feel major spiritual warfare?....YES!....it's scary.....I have to be solid at such an easy time for weakness. Am I up for the challenge?....YES....if it will bring me, my family and friends closer to God and help lead others into a relationship with Jesus Christ, then I am up for it.....
....strap on my armor and charge ahead without a thought of what is left behind.
(someone get the Clorox to clean up this mess!)
It is kind of weird having you all not know what goes on every day in our home....I miss trying to think from a 4-month-old's perspective.....Jacob sure was funny.....me, not so much.
Last week was preparing for the service Thursday....getting things printed, organized and together.....it was beautiful but lots of work (THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!). Friday, Jason and the boys hung out with Jason's family and I went out with some friends who drove in from Delaware and then hung out with my family. Saturday, I went to my cousin's baby shower and then my sister Juli (from FL) came back to my house to visit for a bit before having to leave town. Sunday, we made an attempt for church. We drove there, had some issues with Jonathan and finally got him into his class. Joshua went into his class and the first thing out of one of the other kid's mouth was "I heard your baby brother died." The teachers were chatting and didn't field it for him....it seemed so loud to me and just rang through my ears....I hurt for Joshua but he just trudged through and ignored it. Then as we were on our way to our class, we were stopped at least seven times.....nothing bad, just questions like "How are you doing?" and statements attempting to be encouraging.......our church has been amazing and I do not make these statements to make it sound as though they are at fault.....it was just the first place we have all been as a family while dealing with this all....it could have been any other crowd. It is us, the sensitive and hurting, that magnify everything. I've always said "I don't know what I would say to a mother who just lost her child" so I understand that people don't know what to say and want to support us in some way. But, I was tired. We never did make it to class. I broke in the hall and pleaded with Jason to take me home. He asked if I was sure and I was and he went and got the kids, I canceled our plans for the day an we headed home. I needed to be home with my family....something I hadn't done in a while without craziness. For the next few days, we just hung out as a family, swam in the pool and enjoyed being a family.
So, it's been 10 days since Jacob passed. We've had our ups and downs just as life normally goes but it seems as if there is this super sensitive button....my Jacob button. This button is always triggered....sometimes it is as if someone just bumped it a little bit and then other times it is as if someone smashed their fist on it.....regardless, it is always triggered, tugging on my heart. I have realized that many people's advice to us is that "it gets easier". I am not really sure what this means. My son is gone....there is nothing easy about it. This is hard and there is nothing that is easy about it.....and although time passes, my arms are empty and that is not easy. Monday birthday parties are no more....that is not easy. My nights are no longer on the couch with a snoring 6 pound baby boy.... that is not easy. I sleep at night only to be awakened by my own dreaming of holding my baby boy.....that is not easy. My nursery closet is no longer full of needed feeding tubes, syringes and formula....that is not easy. I have dirty laundry in a basket that after being washed, will never be dirty again....that is not easy. What will get easier? I am a mother of three beautiful children with only two to hold......I do not wish those two away, oh, but how I long to hold all three.....that is not easy. Jacob Ryan was God's tool and has changed me forever.....I don't want it to get easier. I want to learn what God has for me in this season.....so I don't have to repeat any classes. I am changed. As a mother, I hug longer. I stare longer. I spend more time listening. Jacob has given his brothers a better mother.
The struggle for me right now....not to be run by fear. I went to the grocery store today by myself. I haven't been much of anywhere by myself since I drove away from my house 10 days ago leaving behind my 4 boys....I didn't realize the fear that I had inside me. It sucks. That is not me. I am not a fearful person. It is crazy what Satan will play on. He saw me drive away 10 days ago and he saw how I came home to only 3 of my 4 boys.....he seized the moment, contemplated his attack for 10 days and hit me hard as I drove to the store today. He hates the fact that there are people who are brought closer to Christ because of God's Hand in our family. Satan is looking to tear me down though and I am so thankful for the "God View" that God has given me to spot Satan's ploys. Satan wants me to become a hermit unable to reach others and live a beautiful testimony of God's Unfailing Love.....he wants me to fail in the truth that my strength comes from Above. Man, he is good at what he does. But My God, the One who has given me the strength to praise His name through the worst storm, Who now holds my baby boy in His arms, is better at what He does and He will prevail.
I was invited to join 6 other blogger moms who have lost their babies. They are going to the Deeper Still ladies conference in Georgia. As soon as I was invited I was excited about the opportunity not only to be fed the Word by these amazing speakers but also to be hugged by these other mom's who know way too well what I am going through....it just would be so healing. I looked up the tickets.....Sold Out. Did Satan win this battle?...God is in control and those ladies are going to have such a blessed time and God will be glorified.....so no Satan is a big loser even though I will not be there.
Wow...and I thought I talked in circles before things went all crazy on me....So, I am not sure where I am going with any of this.....that is why I always hesitate to write....I am just brain barfing....(you like that mind picture, don't cha)
Do I wish I could go to Atlanta?....YES! Do I understand God's timing?....not all the time but I will obey...there are times as parents we say "no" and our children do not understand why....that's just how it is. Do I feel major spiritual warfare?....YES!....it's scary.....I have to be solid at such an easy time for weakness. Am I up for the challenge?....YES....if it will bring me, my family and friends closer to God and help lead others into a relationship with Jesus Christ, then I am up for it.....
....strap on my armor and charge ahead without a thought of what is left behind.
(someone get the Clorox to clean up this mess!)
A Tribute To Jacob - Posted On A Friend's Blog
Jun 7, 2008
A New Son and a New Name
First an introduction. Simon Jacob Pollock was born on June 6, 2008 at 5:30 in the morning. [This is where weight and height would be inserted.. but I’m not really sure why people give those stats, so I’m leaving them out.] He looks just like a Pollock. Below is his very first picture.
Now for the story of his name.
Simon’s name was not always to be Simon Jacob. Just a day earlier it was to be Simon Clayton. Clayton was a family name and so initially we thought it made a fine middle name for Simon. The hours surrounding his birth would change all that. On June 5th we traveled to be with friends who were celebrating the death of their young son Jacob.
I say celebrated, and not mourned, because celebration definitely characterized the event. The Fahmer’s believe, as do I, that a child who has not sinned is not subject to the demands of the Law and therefore the Wrath of God (not the case for the rest of us who have knowingly transgressed the commands of our loving heavenly Father). It was a celebration because he is in heaven where he continually get’s to behold the face of the Lord Jesus and is free from the suffering that characterized his short life (138 days).
Jacob Fahmer was born with Trisomy 18, a life shortening condition (you can read his whole story here). His life was short, by God’s own choosing, but it was not without value or significance. He, like,all creatures made in the image of God, brought a certain reflection that is not limited by length of days. For one, the Fahmer’s life has forever been changed, by the gift of his life. Secondarily, I believe (and you can read testimony for yourself in this post and in others on Jacob’s blog) that people have been caused to consider their lives and their God. What other purpose and hope can one have?! What else is lasting and enduring, than to have the effect of causing people to reflect on their standing with the Eternal God.?!
As we celebrated Jacob’s “home going” my wife began to experience the pangs of labor. We gathered our children, said a few quick goodbyes and headed home (a hour and 15 minutes away). On the way back, we could see that labor was beginning to set in. My wife’s contractions were becoming regular instead of fading away. At one point I looked over to my wife and said “If we have this child tonight I want to call him ‘Simon Jacob’”. My wife gave a quick nod of agreement.
Why the change?
I don’t believe in coincidence. I believe that God orders our days, our death, and our birth. It was not a mistake that my wife went into labor at Jacob’s funeral. It was God’s plan. It’s not just the timing of the event that leads me to see God’s hand, but also my understanding of God. God brings life and death together. He did it when His Son was crucified. Jesus’ death brought forth eternal life. The Creation testifies about this every day. You have to be blind not to see that God has ordered death to life. Plants & Animals that die and fall into the ground and nourish the next generation. A simple walk through the woods could teach this to the attentive eye. All through the Creation death and life are caught up together to point us to the revelation of Jesus’ death on the Cross and Resurrection three days later.
This is the story I want to characterize my life and the life of my family. The story of Jesus’ death and resurrection. He is embedding that story in our lives, even through the simple “happenings” of life. Jacob’s death.. Simon’s life have been tied together in a narrative that God is writing. I am happy simply to see it, acknowledge it, and worship because of it.
Simon Jacob – because God brings life out of death.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Celebration Of Life Service
Many of you were not able to be there for the services so I've uploaded all the video. Sorry about the quality.... it's just a home video shot by a volunteer high schooler! (Thanks Cooper!) The only real thing you miss in the video is that at the very beginning when the violin is playing "You Are My Sunshine," Joshua and Jonathan are bringing a wagon full of Jacob's stuff down the aisle. They were very shy and Joshua literally hid his face in his own shoulder the entire way down the aisle! It was very sad and cute at the same time. I've also uploaded a copy of the program from the service as it has some neat testimonies from blogland about how Jacob impacted people's lives. Take a look here - maybe you were featured! Here's some shots from before the service of all our prep work and some of the pretty tables and such: 
Here's a shot of the wagon that the boys brought down the aisle. It had Jacob's cremated remains and all his favorite stuff... check the program for a list of everything in the wagon! 
Overall the service was incredible. We had many people tell us it was the "coolest funeral" they'd ever been to. It was "inspirational" and "beautiful." If you were there, please feel free to comment what you thought of it as you sat there... except for "it was stinkin' hot!" I know, I was sweating for like 5 hours straight! If you missed some parts because of a barking dog or a crying baby make sure you go back and re-watch that part on the video! :) If you didn't stay for the reception afterwards and we didn't get a chance to talk we'd love it if you shot us an email or posted a comment to let us know how Jacob impacted your lives... it's part of what keeps us going these days!
So many people came up to us after the service and told us how "inspirational" we were... how they admire our "strength" and "don't know where we get the strength." And at the time we didn't do a very good job of deflecting that praise or answering that question. We had hoped that it was evident from the service where that "strength" comes from. We politely said, "Thank you" and continued on because we were weary and tired and missed our baby. But looking back we don't wish to have anyone be confused or misguided. We don't wish to have anyone think that somehow we are "special people" who have been able to do something extraordinary of our own power. One of the songs sang at the service states, "I look up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." We aren't strong or inspirational. Honestly, we are broken, weak, hurting people with all the same heartaches, temptations, trials and failures that each of you has. The only difference may be that we have trusted Christ as our Savior and pray that the Holy Spirit would guide our every action to bring glory to the Creator who made us. He is our Rock and our Shelter. Our refuge in times of storm. "The name of the Lord is a strong tower the righteous run into it and they are safe" (Proverbs 18:10). "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:30-31). Philippians 4:13 states, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." We want our actions to show that there is a God who loves and cares for us regardless of how terrible life may seem. We want that to be appealing to you because we would want you to know God in a personal way so that He may guide and strengthen you as He does us daily. To many "religion" is about a church or a set of rules or some mysterious unknown or some thing that you have to do. And, really, that is what "religion" is. And it amounts to nothing. But a relationship with Christ is not a religion. Religion tells you all the things that you have to do to please God. It's you attempting to reach up to God and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. But with Christ, it's about God reaching down to us and lifting us to a place we could never attain on our own. Knowing that there was nothing we could do to earn favor with God, He sent His Son to DO it all for US! We must simply realize that we all fall short of God's glory (Romans 3:23) and because of that we deserve to be separated from Him forever through death (Romans 6:23) but while we were still sinners Christ died for us (Romans 5:8) and if we would simply call out to Him in faith He is faithful and will save us (Romans 10:9-13). That's it... no churches, no programs, no secret writings, nothing more for you to do than believe... it's a gift of God (Ephesians 2:8-9) that will transform your life forever! 1 John 5:13 states that there should be no guesswork involved - we may "know that we have eternal life" by "believing on the name of the Son of God." If you haven't done that would you do it now? Simply call out to God by faith and ask Him to forgive you of all your sin because of what Jesus did on the cross for you. He loves you and is just waiting for you to ask Him to do it!
Thank You.
Thank you so much to all of you who attended Jacob's Celebration of Life Service. It meant so much to us. Unfortunately I know that neither I nor Karen were able to speak with all of you that night but we sincerely appreciate you coming and hope that God spoke to you through the service. It was so amazing to see the entire church filled with friends and family who loved Jacob. For those of you who weren't able to attend I'm working on getting a copy of the video on the blog... it should be available in the next couple of days hopefully! Thank you to all who have sent cards or emails expressing your sympathy for our family. Your kind words have helped carry us through these hard days. And of course thank you to all who have and who continue to pray for our family!
Many asked me after the service who the wonderful photographer was who took all the beautiful shots of Jacob. I definitely want to promote her to any and all in the local area. Her name is Jenn Santora and her brand new website is http://www.first-lightphotography.com/. Check it out! Jonathan and Jacob are both featured on her website and Thursday night she showed me that Jonathan is actually the photo on her new business cards! Very cool! She was absolutely wonderful and gave us so many memories to cherish of our beautiful baby! Here's the new shots we promised: 
Friday, June 6, 2008
Letter I sent to My Family...seriously, it was in their mail box!...man am I good even from up here!
Dearest Mommy, Daddy, Joshua and Jonathan,
I just had to write and thank you all for being the GREATEST family in the world! (By the way, all the postage stamps in Heaven are FOREVER stamps:)) You showed me so much LOVE each and every minute that I was with you, and I am so THANKFUL that GOD let me be a part of your family, if even for just a short time. I know now why God gave me to you. May the LOVE of Christ continue to shine in your lives.
Mommy, I still don't know how you always managed to be so BEAUTIFUL, both inside and out, considering all the time you had to spend taking care of me. I am so sorry I missed your birthday since you didn't miss any of mine, but I guess God's birthday present to you was that I became completely HEALED. Praise the Lord!!!
Joshua and Jonathan, you guys are the BEST brothers in the world and so much FUN to be with! I would get tired just watching you! I think you will both be great fathers someday, just like your daddy. Continue to LOVE on each other as you did on me, it makes Jesus very happy.
I know you are all sad, but if you could see me now, you wouldn't be. I met Jesus when I got here, and HE is just like you guys always talked about. He knew my name and all about me, so I guess He must have been reading the blog like all those other people. You did such a great job with that daddy...it made people laugh, and it made people cry, and it touched more people than you will ever know while you're on Earth. I hope you have a GREAT Father's Day, you deserve it!
Heaven is so beautiful and AWESOME, and now I can do more than only imagine! I can do all the fun things now that I learned from watching my big brothers, like running and jumping. I miss you all so much and wish we were together again, but God said He still has some AMAZING things planned for you all, and that our day will come. I am not small and weak anymore, so when we do meet again I plan to love on you as you did on me, with a bear hug and big kiss!
Until that glorious day, I hope this letter helps you understand how much I LOVE YOU ALL. God Bless.
Your son and brother forever and ever,
Jacob
I just had to write and thank you all for being the GREATEST family in the world! (By the way, all the postage stamps in Heaven are FOREVER stamps:)) You showed me so much LOVE each and every minute that I was with you, and I am so THANKFUL that GOD let me be a part of your family, if even for just a short time. I know now why God gave me to you. May the LOVE of Christ continue to shine in your lives.
Mommy, I still don't know how you always managed to be so BEAUTIFUL, both inside and out, considering all the time you had to spend taking care of me. I am so sorry I missed your birthday since you didn't miss any of mine, but I guess God's birthday present to you was that I became completely HEALED. Praise the Lord!!!
Joshua and Jonathan, you guys are the BEST brothers in the world and so much FUN to be with! I would get tired just watching you! I think you will both be great fathers someday, just like your daddy. Continue to LOVE on each other as you did on me, it makes Jesus very happy.
I know you are all sad, but if you could see me now, you wouldn't be. I met Jesus when I got here, and HE is just like you guys always talked about. He knew my name and all about me, so I guess He must have been reading the blog like all those other people. You did such a great job with that daddy...it made people laugh, and it made people cry, and it touched more people than you will ever know while you're on Earth. I hope you have a GREAT Father's Day, you deserve it!
Heaven is so beautiful and AWESOME, and now I can do more than only imagine! I can do all the fun things now that I learned from watching my big brothers, like running and jumping. I miss you all so much and wish we were together again, but God said He still has some AMAZING things planned for you all, and that our day will come. I am not small and weak anymore, so when we do meet again I plan to love on you as you did on me, with a bear hug and big kiss!
Until that glorious day, I hope this letter helps you understand how much I LOVE YOU ALL. God Bless.
Your son and brother forever and ever,
Jacob
Thursday, June 5, 2008
More Q & A
Q: Will you be continuing the blog?
A: We are not sure to what measure yet. So we don’t know. Definitely not daily….that was A LOT of work! You were all worth it though. It just is too much to keep up with. So, we have yet to decide what we are doing. We have a computer program that takes the blog and puts it into a hardcover book so we will have that as a memory book so we’ll see what happens.
Q: My first son had a choroid plexus cyst (discovered at my 20wk ultrasound). It was monitored for 7 weeks thereafter and had diminished completely by that point. Did Jacob have one? We were very concerned the cp cyst could mean our baby had Trisomy 18 as they are associated. I'm just curious.
A: Yes. On October 3rd, I was 6 months along, we found out about Jacob’s heart as well as 2 choroid plexus cysts. We were told these cysts are common and could disappear yet could lead to other disorders if they stick around or be signs of other disorders. During this ultrasound, other Trisomy features were not detected due to his mild features…..his hands moved very well in the womb so this feature was never picked up. The cysts shrunk with each ultrasound and disappeared as expected from a normal baby. Other than Jacob’s heart, there were no detectable features that led us to believe he was a baby with Trisomy 18. Our doctors were amazing and had their eyes on everything….we were highly monitored and we were “strongly advised” to get an amniocentesis due to the fact that we were going through the process of setting up open heart surgery for him 7 days after birth and they were concerned about us being crushed if he had a disorder and then they couldn’t do the surgery….being told for 3 months they can fix your baby and then them saying there is nothing they can do can take a toll on people….but it didn’t matter to us at what time we found out if our baby had a terminal illness….we would have been (and were) crushed either way with a positive terminal diagnosis. As stated before, we declined the amnio putting his safety before our and our doctor’s curiosity….they would not have been able to do anything. I know this answer contains more than what was asked but I got going and just kept going….sorry!
A: We are not sure to what measure yet. So we don’t know. Definitely not daily….that was A LOT of work! You were all worth it though. It just is too much to keep up with. So, we have yet to decide what we are doing. We have a computer program that takes the blog and puts it into a hardcover book so we will have that as a memory book so we’ll see what happens.
Q: My first son had a choroid plexus cyst (discovered at my 20wk ultrasound). It was monitored for 7 weeks thereafter and had diminished completely by that point. Did Jacob have one? We were very concerned the cp cyst could mean our baby had Trisomy 18 as they are associated. I'm just curious.
A: Yes. On October 3rd, I was 6 months along, we found out about Jacob’s heart as well as 2 choroid plexus cysts. We were told these cysts are common and could disappear yet could lead to other disorders if they stick around or be signs of other disorders. During this ultrasound, other Trisomy features were not detected due to his mild features…..his hands moved very well in the womb so this feature was never picked up. The cysts shrunk with each ultrasound and disappeared as expected from a normal baby. Other than Jacob’s heart, there were no detectable features that led us to believe he was a baby with Trisomy 18. Our doctors were amazing and had their eyes on everything….we were highly monitored and we were “strongly advised” to get an amniocentesis due to the fact that we were going through the process of setting up open heart surgery for him 7 days after birth and they were concerned about us being crushed if he had a disorder and then they couldn’t do the surgery….being told for 3 months they can fix your baby and then them saying there is nothing they can do can take a toll on people….but it didn’t matter to us at what time we found out if our baby had a terminal illness….we would have been (and were) crushed either way with a positive terminal diagnosis. As stated before, we declined the amnio putting his safety before our and our doctor’s curiosity….they would not have been able to do anything. I know this answer contains more than what was asked but I got going and just kept going….sorry!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
More Q & A
Q: can we bring a dessert
A: If you are planning on attending the service and would like to bring a dessert, please take it downstairs prior to the service and have it ready to serve so the helpers do not have to cut things up. THANK YOU!
Q: How about bringing our kids? ( although in any other situation I would keep them home during a memorial service, being that they're so young, in this one I am feeling like they should be there....be honest, what are your thoughts...there may be others with this question too)
A: Those of you who have children and would like to bring them, this is up to you. Please know that this service is very important and if you feel your child will be a distraction to those around you and take you from the service, then you may not want to bring them so you can enjoy it….depending on their age, they may not remember a thing but this may impact you and others seated around you for eternity…..this is our hope. Please parent appropriately.
A: If you are planning on attending the service and would like to bring a dessert, please take it downstairs prior to the service and have it ready to serve so the helpers do not have to cut things up. THANK YOU!
Q: How about bringing our kids? ( although in any other situation I would keep them home during a memorial service, being that they're so young, in this one I am feeling like they should be there....be honest, what are your thoughts...there may be others with this question too)
A: Those of you who have children and would like to bring them, this is up to you. Please know that this service is very important and if you feel your child will be a distraction to those around you and take you from the service, then you may not want to bring them so you can enjoy it….depending on their age, they may not remember a thing but this may impact you and others seated around you for eternity…..this is our hope. Please parent appropriately.
Joshua's Artwork
Within minutes of Jacob passing away, during my crazed scramble to try and revive him and call the nurses and such, Joshua grabbed a pencil and started this drawing. It started off as the picture of Jacob and the "DED" arrow. When I saw it I said, "Oh buddy... why don't you draw him in heaven or something." At which point he added me and him on the bottom right "crying because Jacob was gone" and the arrow to show Jacob up in heaven. To be honest, I'm not really sure what's going on up there in heaven... :) ... some kind of door or something. It reminds me of what Jesus said in John 10: "Truly, truly, I say to you, he who does not enter by the door into the fold of the sheep, but climbs up some other way, he is a thief and a robber. But he who enters by the door is a shepherd of the sheep. To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice, and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he puts forth all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice. A stranger they simply will not follow, but will flee from him, because they do not know the voice of strangers. This figure of speech Jesus spoke to them, but they did not understand what those things were which He had been saying to them. So Jesus said to them again, "Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. All who came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them. I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep. He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and is not concerned about the sheep. I am the good shepherd, and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. I have other sheep, which are not of this fold; I must bring them also, and they will hear My voice; and they will become one flock with one shepherd. For this reason the Father loves Me, because I lay down My life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from Me, but I lay it down on My own initiative I have authority to lay it down, and I have authority to take it up again This commandment I received from My Father."
I love the fact that when Jesus spoke and no one understood that He took the time to explain it to them again in a different way. It gives me hope that Jesus will continue to teach me through this time of pain and some day help me to understand it fully.
Q & A
Q: My question to you is, what are the chances of you having another baby with Jacob’s disorder?
A: Trisomy 18 is a chromosomal defect that is spontaneous. When a full t-18 baby is conceived, it takes 1 chromosome from each parent (2 chromosome total) on each strand except for the 18th which they take 2 from one parent and 1 from the other….over achiever! There is no greater risk for our future children…..they do add a 1% chance for statistic purposes but the reality is there is no greater chance than the next person. It is not something carried in our genes.
Q: Did you ever find out/know if Jacob had cystic fibrosis?
A: No we did not. We did not test him any further than the newborn screening because at the time, he was showing no effects and we were treating him as symptoms of illnesses appeared. We opted out of any test that we did not feel necessary for treating him at that time.
Q: When will we get to see the last photo shoot you blogged about? Your photographer did a great job with the first ones and I always love new Jacob (and company) photos. I went to her site but it said you need a password/login.
A: These photos are included in a slideshow that will be shown at his celebration service. After this time, they will be available to view on the blog along with the slideshow. We included her site for those of you in our area who would like to take advantage of her marvelous services.....if you watch her slide show on her main page you can see a sneak peak of a new photo of Jonathan as well as the older photo of Jacob in my hands....we're famous :)
A: Trisomy 18 is a chromosomal defect that is spontaneous. When a full t-18 baby is conceived, it takes 1 chromosome from each parent (2 chromosome total) on each strand except for the 18th which they take 2 from one parent and 1 from the other….over achiever! There is no greater risk for our future children…..they do add a 1% chance for statistic purposes but the reality is there is no greater chance than the next person. It is not something carried in our genes.
Q: Did you ever find out/know if Jacob had cystic fibrosis?
A: No we did not. We did not test him any further than the newborn screening because at the time, he was showing no effects and we were treating him as symptoms of illnesses appeared. We opted out of any test that we did not feel necessary for treating him at that time.
Q: When will we get to see the last photo shoot you blogged about? Your photographer did a great job with the first ones and I always love new Jacob (and company) photos. I went to her site but it said you need a password/login.
A: These photos are included in a slideshow that will be shown at his celebration service. After this time, they will be available to view on the blog along with the slideshow. We included her site for those of you in our area who would like to take advantage of her marvelous services.....if you watch her slide show on her main page you can see a sneak peak of a new photo of Jonathan as well as the older photo of Jacob in my hands....we're famous :)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Your Questions & Our answers
We know that some of you may have questions about some thigns....Jacob's birth, death, treatments. We are pretty open with Jacob's story to help others understand. After jacob was born there was a night I searched other blogs just to fins out what others went through and theri story so I could maybe have some glimps of what to expect. We want to be here to support others. If you have questions, please feel free to ask...we are not easily offended so do not be shy......if there is something we do not want to share, we will respond appropriately. You can email your questions to babyjacobryan@gmail.com.
Q: How is it that you only found out a week after Jacob was born that he had T18?
A: We knew Jacob had a heart condition (complex congenital heart disease) back in October but we did not want to take that chance of miscarrying by doing an amniocentesis (1% of babies miscarry during/after this procedure). The doctors were not going to change their treatment so we decided not to put him in harms way and just wait for the genetic testing after he was born. The result of the amnio would not have changed our minds on how to treat him so we just made the safest decision for Jacob. Although we were curious, our curiosity was not enough to take that 1% chance to lose him. We kept it all in the Lord's hands and took nothing into our own.
All of Jacob's other features were mild and although there were a few other issues detected on ultrasound, they were nothing to lead us to this diagnosis.
The morning after he was born, the geneticist came in and did an exam based on his features and diagnosed him then. The genetic blood test was already being done but it took 3 days to get the results back. We found out the definite diagnosis on Thursday, January 17th.
Q: How is it that you only found out a week after Jacob was born that he had T18?
A: We knew Jacob had a heart condition (complex congenital heart disease) back in October but we did not want to take that chance of miscarrying by doing an amniocentesis (1% of babies miscarry during/after this procedure). The doctors were not going to change their treatment so we decided not to put him in harms way and just wait for the genetic testing after he was born. The result of the amnio would not have changed our minds on how to treat him so we just made the safest decision for Jacob. Although we were curious, our curiosity was not enough to take that 1% chance to lose him. We kept it all in the Lord's hands and took nothing into our own.
All of Jacob's other features were mild and although there were a few other issues detected on ultrasound, they were nothing to lead us to this diagnosis.
The morning after he was born, the geneticist came in and did an exam based on his features and diagnosed him then. The genetic blood test was already being done but it took 3 days to get the results back. We found out the definite diagnosis on Thursday, January 17th.
Another Fanmail
Jacob,I sit here on this beautiful sunny day that God has given us trying to find the words to express how I feel. Putting my feelings into words is not something I do well. My /'Official Fan of Jacob' /shirt arrived on Saturday May 24 and I wore it the following Wednesday but for some reason did not take a picture to send to you. On Saturday, May 31st, you reminded me to get my butt in gear and send you that picture. That same afternoon I told your mom that I would get it to you sometime his week. By that evening I was kicking my self for not taking that picture earlier in the week - for you went home to be with the Lord that evening. This has been tearing me up on the inside for the past two days. Jacob, my little buddy, here is my picture (I look like a dweeb) taken today, Monday, June 2, at the University of Buffalo, in front of the Jacobs School of Management (WOW! they already have a building named after you - okay, it was named after someone else but I won't tell if you don't).
I am not sure what God's plan was for you in my life. What I do know is for those of you that do not know Jesus as you savior do so TODAY. We may not have a tomorrow, a next week, or a next year. Our time on earth is short. Open your bible NOW and start reading in the book of John. /"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16)./ Jacob is now living that eternal life with our heavenly father.
I was glad that I got to know you in your short time here. I will miss our cuddling times and little chats. While it is a time of mourning it is also a time of celebrating your new life with our heavenly father. As the tears flow I know that one day I will see you again. Miss you and thanks to you and your family for letting me be part of your life. My prayers are with you all.
Miss Sue
(PS - I promise to keep your mom supplied with brownies)
Monday, June 2, 2008
A Note From Gramma
"Hey Jacob --- hey baby, are you OK?"
I always would be saying these words as I held my little grandson. (drove everyone crazy) But now I have my answer. He is OK and in the arms of Jesus.
We miss Jacob terribly but he was our witness of God’s Glory and Jesus' Resurrection. God sent us a witness in Jacob. He touched our lives for a short journey and we see God’s glory as he visited us here on earth. He touches our hearts and souls. God has given us this miracle so we can grow stronger and to bless us all with a burning desire to give glory to God through Jesus Christ.
Jacob is a gift from God. Let us rejoice and be glad.
I always would be saying these words as I held my little grandson. (drove everyone crazy) But now I have my answer. He is OK and in the arms of Jesus.
We miss Jacob terribly but he was our witness of God’s Glory and Jesus' Resurrection. God sent us a witness in Jacob. He touched our lives for a short journey and we see God’s glory as he visited us here on earth. He touches our hearts and souls. God has given us this miracle so we can grow stronger and to bless us all with a burning desire to give glory to God through Jesus Christ.
Jacob is a gift from God. Let us rejoice and be glad.
Jacob's Memorial/Celebration Service
There will be a memorial / celebration of Jacob's life service on Thursday June 5th at 7 PM at Grace Baptist Church located at 2525 Eggert Road in Tonawanda NY. Please come and join us to celebrate all that God has done in Jacob's life. There will be a dessert reception following the service where we would love to see you and hear how Jacob's life impacted yours. As this will be a celebration of life please don't feel the need to wear black.
In lieu of flower donations can be made to the Fahmer Family Fund which will be used to help support other organizations and families with special needs in honor of Jacob. Donations can be made online with the paypal button on the sidebar and the footer or in person at the service. Thank you.
In lieu of flower donations can be made to the Fahmer Family Fund which will be used to help support other organizations and families with special needs in honor of Jacob. Donations can be made online with the paypal button on the sidebar and the footer or in person at the service. Thank you.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
"This Sucks"
If there’s any words that sum up today for our family it would be: “this sucks.” It was probably said by myself or Karen one hundred times if it was said once. There’s no other words to aptly describe the feelings involved of waking up the first morning without your child. The day started with a flood of tears and ended the same. With numerous explosions in between. The grief comes in waves. Sometimes they lap at your feet … other times they knock you down and suck you in. I can’t believe I miss him this much already. Everything reminds me of him and everything seems so empty and lonely without his little squeaks and cries. This sucks.
Joshua was up at 6:30 this morning… which was ok because we were experiencing our first tidal wave just shortly before… and he came into our room and could tell that we were upset. He tried his hardest to make us smile and laugh and was acting completely goofy just to make Mommy and Daddy happy. We must have played one hundred hands of cards today with Joshua! After a long exhausting day when it was time for bed both boys broke down and cried out that they wanted their baby “Jakey” back. It was a sweet time of comforting and crying with them in their beds but still…. This sucks.
On a list of “Top 10 Worst Things To Do In Life… Ever”… #1 would hands down no questions asked be “Go with your spouse to a funeral home to plan your child’s funeral.” Oh wait… no… we can one up you on that one. Today was Karen’s 27th birthday. “Go with your spouse (ON HER BIRTHDAY!) to a funeral home to plan your child’s funeral.” Yeah… this sucks. Don’t worry I did sing to her. (“Sucky birthday to you, sucky birthday to you, sucky birthday, sucky birthday… never have a worst birthday for you!”) This rendition caused us both to laugh so that was good. Somehow we did manage to pull off a real rendition of the song but it was pretty lame given the circumstances. Thanks to Sue for bringing the ice cream cake… Jacob would have been happy to see us enjoying that.
And yet, in the midst of total suck-age, when we turn our eyes upward to Christ we are able to see some of the beauty of His plan. Even “amongst the wreckage” which was our day there were glimmers of joy and hope and love and grace. What sweet times with our boys where we allowed them to see our brokenness and let them expose their own so we can heal together. A friend from church stopped over this morning to bring us breakfast and hugs. Her and her husband came by later to check up on us and were happily recruited in to helping us arrange the celebration service at the church. All of the family and friends (AND BLOGGERS) who have expressed their love and willingness to help and pray. Thank you. A cooler of food from Gramma’s Merry Maid partner! All those who just came and sat with us or just listened on the phone today. The many churches around the world who some how took part in our journey for the past 4 months and who celebrated/mourned with us this morning. Beauty and pain. Beauty in pain. Beauty from pain.
A couple of weeks ago we had Jen from First Light Photography come back to take some more pictures of Jacob and the family. She’s the photographer that took all the fanclub shots. She let us know that she was busy and that the pictures may take a while to get to us. Well, wouldn’t you know in God’s sovereign plan, when do you think those pictures were finished? Yeah, last night. I woke up to an email this morning that had a link to the proofs online. I wasn’t sure what to do. I think I honestly sat there and just stared at the screen for like five minutes. Should I show Karen? Is now the right time? Well I’m kinda dumb so I gathered up the boys and sat on the couch with Karen and we clicked on the link. Hope you have your lifejacket …. Here come’s the wave! The pictures were absolutely beautiful even through the tears. There really couldn’t have been a more appropriate time to receive them. Thank you Jen.
On our way home tonight I prayed and told God that today was by far the worst day of my entire life and that despite that fact I was going to fight through the temptation to avoid Him. Aren’t we stupid? Why do we always try to ignore Him when we need Him most? I told Him that if He was here in bodily form right now that I would probably be beating on His chest with tears streaming down my face asking “why?” and end up slumped in His embrace. And I know He wouldn’t retaliate or defend Himself but rather would simply hold me and tell me He loves me. When I have nothing to offer, nothing to hold on to, nothing to make me stand alone and I simply fall into You and rest on You = Grace. Though I stand gazing at the valley of the shadow of death… I will not fear. For even on the worst day of my life… You are with me. You comfort me. You care for me.
Psalm 3
“LORD, how they have increased who trouble me! Many are they who rise up against me. Many are they who say of me, 'There is no help for him in God.' But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.
I cried to the LORD with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around. Arise, O LORD; Save me, O my God! For You have struck all my enemies on the cheekbone; You have broken the teeth of the ungodly.
Salvation belongs to the LORD."
It wasn't me......
Here is something very heavy on my heart. Many of you just found out that I was not here for Jacob's passing. When I found out he was going down hill after Jason's first call, I realized how far away I was and couldn't believe I was just drinking tea and eating mini sandwiches while this was happening at home. I was supposed to be there for this huge event. I was supposed to be holding him. I was in the van just in awe of it all. It was so weird......
Before I walked out the door for my birthday tea, I kissed Jacob on the head and said, "Wait for me baby, I will be home later.....just wait." I knew he was weak. Why I said that?...I don't know. I walked out the door. Why?...I don't know. I drove down the street and cried. Why? I don't know. I turned the corner of the road near my home and said while staring at the taillights of the white car in front of me, "Turn around. Go back." But I kept driving. Why?
HERE IS WHY.....BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN CONTROL. Although I wanted to be there for his passing with my husband, oh how I wanted to be there......I was not supposed to be. You see, every day of Jacob's life, whenever there was the littlest question of his health, I called someone. When ever I felt those feelings of "stop what you are doing and go hold your baby" I stopped what I was doing and I held my baby. Whenever I felt he was in distress, I called for help. May 31st, 2008 at 5:30pm was his time and God had to take me out of the equation to allow it to happen. I would not have allowed it. Jacob couldn't have done it with me there. I could not have been there. Every action I took yesterday was not natural ....the emotions I had were there but the actions were opposite......and everything inside me was saddened as I drove away from my home but God's power led me away because that was what was best for our lives. I didn't do it. I am a person who believes we rest our head on the nest we make and in spite of our choices, God works. I have been proven wrong in this belief. Yesterday, everything that was in me knew Jacob was going. Yesterday, I was a robot doing what I had to do but feeling so differently about it. God knew what was best and carried it out as He saw fit.
I proved this supernatural leading......I proved this with the 137 days that God gave me the wisdom and strength to make the right calls. There is nothing about this last day that is me......everything was different and that was because it was his time and I could do nothing about that. I was with him almost every second of his life.....oh how I miss him......God gave me the unbelievable strength to just go despite everything I felt.....
I would not have chosen this way. I would have been holding Jacob as he took his last breaths. I would not have chosen this. BUT if God said to me before I had any children, "Karen, you have two choices of children.....1) You have three strong healthy boys who grow to be big and strong godly men OR 2) You have two strong healthy boys and a third terminally ill baby who will pass away at 4 and a half months old.....make your choice." what would I choose....who wouldn't choose #1?!?!? So, what am I saying? I am saying that I would NOT have chosen Jacob and I would be sooooooo much less of who God wants me to be without that beautiful baby in my life. Now knowing Jacob, I wouldn't trade him for the world.....nothing can take that baby boy from me.....I want him back. So, what I am saying is that what I think I want, is not what is right and what my Heavenly Father wants for me....He knows best and that is why He gave him to me and that is why he chose this way for Jacob to pass. I have no regret. I feel so weird about the whole thing. I cannot believe that is how it had to be. But I accept it as what is best and I embrace it and I can actually see God's hand in it. It is amazing and beautiful and hard and sucky all at the same time. It is perfect though.
I walked up the stairs knowing that the beautiful baby boy I had asked 2 hours ago to wait for me just couldn't....he couldn't do it with me there......he had to go without me. He went in such a manly way....with his Daddy and brothers calmly and loved.
Jacob left us an absolutely beautiful picture that would not have happened had I been there holding him,......
He went from his earthly father's hands into his Heavenly Father's arms.
Praise God.
Before I walked out the door for my birthday tea, I kissed Jacob on the head and said, "Wait for me baby, I will be home later.....just wait." I knew he was weak. Why I said that?...I don't know. I walked out the door. Why?...I don't know. I drove down the street and cried. Why? I don't know. I turned the corner of the road near my home and said while staring at the taillights of the white car in front of me, "Turn around. Go back." But I kept driving. Why?
HERE IS WHY.....BECAUSE I WAS NOT IN CONTROL. Although I wanted to be there for his passing with my husband, oh how I wanted to be there......I was not supposed to be. You see, every day of Jacob's life, whenever there was the littlest question of his health, I called someone. When ever I felt those feelings of "stop what you are doing and go hold your baby" I stopped what I was doing and I held my baby. Whenever I felt he was in distress, I called for help. May 31st, 2008 at 5:30pm was his time and God had to take me out of the equation to allow it to happen. I would not have allowed it. Jacob couldn't have done it with me there. I could not have been there. Every action I took yesterday was not natural ....the emotions I had were there but the actions were opposite......and everything inside me was saddened as I drove away from my home but God's power led me away because that was what was best for our lives. I didn't do it. I am a person who believes we rest our head on the nest we make and in spite of our choices, God works. I have been proven wrong in this belief. Yesterday, everything that was in me knew Jacob was going. Yesterday, I was a robot doing what I had to do but feeling so differently about it. God knew what was best and carried it out as He saw fit.
I proved this supernatural leading......I proved this with the 137 days that God gave me the wisdom and strength to make the right calls. There is nothing about this last day that is me......everything was different and that was because it was his time and I could do nothing about that. I was with him almost every second of his life.....oh how I miss him......God gave me the unbelievable strength to just go despite everything I felt.....
I would not have chosen this way. I would have been holding Jacob as he took his last breaths. I would not have chosen this. BUT if God said to me before I had any children, "Karen, you have two choices of children.....1) You have three strong healthy boys who grow to be big and strong godly men OR 2) You have two strong healthy boys and a third terminally ill baby who will pass away at 4 and a half months old.....make your choice." what would I choose....who wouldn't choose #1?!?!? So, what am I saying? I am saying that I would NOT have chosen Jacob and I would be sooooooo much less of who God wants me to be without that beautiful baby in my life. Now knowing Jacob, I wouldn't trade him for the world.....nothing can take that baby boy from me.....I want him back. So, what I am saying is that what I think I want, is not what is right and what my Heavenly Father wants for me....He knows best and that is why He gave him to me and that is why he chose this way for Jacob to pass. I have no regret. I feel so weird about the whole thing. I cannot believe that is how it had to be. But I accept it as what is best and I embrace it and I can actually see God's hand in it. It is amazing and beautiful and hard and sucky all at the same time. It is perfect though.
I walked up the stairs knowing that the beautiful baby boy I had asked 2 hours ago to wait for me just couldn't....he couldn't do it with me there......he had to go without me. He went in such a manly way....with his Daddy and brothers calmly and loved.
Jacob left us an absolutely beautiful picture that would not have happened had I been there holding him,......
He went from his earthly father's hands into his Heavenly Father's arms.
Praise God.
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