Although we miss you, precious child, we know that you have been having the time of your eternal life in the presence of our Creator. There hasn't been a single one of the past 365 days that we didn't wish we could touch your soft hair, gaze into your blue eyes, poke your tiny scrunchy nose, and roll your pea-size toes....but we know that you have been made whole and live fully in the presence of the One who made everything about you perfect. We are so proud of everything you did in your time here on earth and your memory continues in the hearts left here. We miss you sweet boy (understatement).....Happy Heavenly Birthday.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
So, here we are.....in the 51st week after Jacob's death (I didn't really count....I just know there are 52 weeks in a year so I did the math). There aren't many weeks that I play back in my mind, but this one is just too significant not to.....it was his week of lasts.....and although we were blessed with so many firsts and seconds and thirds, it's the thought of his lasts that overwhelm so many of those thoughts. His last birthday celebration where his older brothers leaned over his sweetly sleeping body and sang happy birthday ever so softly as to not disturb him. His last cardiologist appointment. His last doctor's appointment (of so many) where we expected him to overcome since that was what he always did. His last nurse's visit. His last bath. His last visitors. His last night with his mama on the couch. His last blog entry. His last boys night. His last snuggle on his mama's chest. His last kiss from his mama. His last breath.... (the thought of it....since I missed it). Overwhelming. Everyday it is overwhelming. Every night before I fall asleep I fight the overwhelming thought of "this actually happened." I don't need a date to remind me that I miss my sweet boy. I don't need a calendar to tell me when to weep....we just deal as we go. I just know that there is something missing. A mother's job is to be needed and busy among her children....I no longer have that earthly job with Jacob physically and I haven't for the past year but it is a job that I will forever feel I need to fulfill. So although he had all his lasts just about a year ago, his memory is forever lasting in the hearts of those who love him and who have been changed by his 138 days on earth. God continues to use Jacob's life for His glory even today, almost a year after he has passed. So Jacob hasn't touched his last heart.....he is lasting, remaining safe in the arms of Jesus, where he will be.....until I get there and snatch him up! :) And my precious boy lasts here in my heart and the hearts of others until our last days. I know my last tear has not fallen for my sweet tiny boy....there will be many more....I'm taking one day at a time, until we reach our last.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Well Hello there! The past few weeks have been so busy with lots of good things and I just wanted to let you all know that things are well. Our Baby Boy Fahmer #4 has taken on the name Jeremiah Gabriel.....the boys pray for him as Jeremiah and talk to him as Jeremiah so Jeremiah it is. Jeremiah is growing strong....his kicks are very noticeable inside and out, his heart beats are strong, his cardiologist says everything looks great, and we have no red flags. We understand that good reports from doctors doesn't mean God will give us another day with Jeremiah but it is nice to have hope of a baby we just may be able to keep. The boys pray for him to be able to grow up with them multiple times a day and love to take a shirt or pants they have grown out of and put it in the nursery for Jeremiah to grow into. I have been feeling well. The dramatic weight gain always takes a toll on any body so I am feeling that but I haven't been dragging and terribly sleepy.....I have energy! Jason is careful to make sure I don't over-do it outside with our boys or in our gardens or around the house....I am spoiled. I will be 27 weeks on Tuesday so I am into my third trimester already! Jeremiah measures right on time, my tummy measures just under 25 weeks (I have always measured small) and time is flying by as we approach summer.
Emotionally, when I think of Jeremiah, I am excited and loving my everyday of having him to myself and hopeful of sharing him with the world. I have very brief in infrequent moments of weakness (or should I say reality) that I may not be allowed to keep him but I am not fearful. Emotionally, when I think of Jacob, I miss him....terribly. I fight the thought of the 31st this month and remind myself that it is just another day that I will miss my sweet boy and no matter the day or time, I will not miss him any more of less. Just this time of year, the boy is constantly on my mind. I spent last year in my garden while he slept at times and we would run in and check on him and then there were other times when we would bundle him up and he would spend the day with us outside in the fresh air and be in our yard in his stroller or on my chest. It is just funny how last Spring, just that one with Jacob in my lifetime, with spending my every day and night with Jacob conditioned me on what Spring feels like and now anything different than having him is just different....someone is missing and every fiber in me knows it and that feeling is in full bloom.
Mother's Day was so sweet. The boys made me breakfast in bed and showered me with homemade gifts that mean nothing to anyone else but mean the world to me :) And Jason helped the boys get me a beautiful picture frame with this poem on it:
"Dear Momma, If I could give you diamonds for each tear you cried for me, If I could give you sapphires for each truth you've help me see, If I could give you rubies for the heartache that you've known, If I could give you pearls for the wisdom that you've shown, Then you'll have a treasure, Mother, that would mount up to the skies, That would almost match the sparkle in your kind and loving eyes. But I have no pearls, no diamonds, as I'm sure you're well aware, So I'll give you gifts more precious, My devotion, love and care. We love you soo much Mommy, Joshua, Jonathan, Jacob and Jeremiah - 2009"
Talk about tears! They put a picture in it of Joshua holding Jacob's bear and Jonathan holding Jeremiah's ultrasound....my 4 boys.
We also had a vacation to Walt Disney World! My parents had talked for a few years about taking us and the time finally came and we all went for a week the first week of May. It was a great time! But talk about walking!....I can't believe I still gained weight after walking how ever many miles.....it was a great motivation to get me to walk more here at home. The boys loved the rides (they both did the big kid rides like Tower of Terror and Thunder Mountain Train Ride....and Joshua even did the Rockin' Rollercoaster!) but yet enjoyed the simpler rides (that I could do!) and shows, they liked seeing the characters and getting their autographs and pictures. My sister Juli was able to drive from the West Palm area to spend 4 of the days with us and that was great time for her and the boys just to be auntie and nephew....and she loves rides so that gave Jason a break! They just loved being at the hotel and jumping on the beds and swimming and racing up the stairs or elevator. One of the highlights of our week was at Magic Kingdom when Jason, Joshua, Jonathan and I wore our "Official Fan of Jacob" shirts and everyone asked us about him. The boys had "cast members" ask about Jacob and we had people standing in lines wanting to know who Jacob was.....it was a "magical" day that we got to spend talking about our sweet heavenly boy. It was an exhausting week, but a memorable one that we are very thankful that we were able to do.
So there is a quick update on us....I apologize for it taking so long! Maybe I will get better....but with the weather being so great and my gardens blooming, I just love to be outside with my boys and not inside on the computer....you all can understand that! Just know we are well and I will keep you updated as much as I can. Love you all and miss you all!